


Hermosa.

by keala



Series: Hermosa. [2]
Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Also Some Broken Javi, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ass Play, Ass to Mouth, Blood and Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Cheating, Consensual Sex, F/M, Family Drama, Fluff, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Humor, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internal Conflict, Javi Is A Mess Basically, Mutual Pining, Near Death Experiences, Oral Sex, Reader Speaks English Because Nobody Wants To Read My Terrible Spanish, Reader Works For Sandoval, Rough Sex, Sarcasm, Smut, Some Soft Javi, You're Welcome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:21:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 84,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27999651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keala/pseuds/keala
Summary: You shouldn't have gotten so drunk at that Christmas party. You shouldn't have worn that tight, little dress. You shouldn't have offered to take a certain drunk DEA agent home.You also shouldn't have answered that phone.
Relationships: Javier Peña/Original Female Character(s), Javier Peña/Reader, Javier Peña/You, Slight Eduardo Sandoval/Reader
Series: Hermosa. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2084997
Comments: 355
Kudos: 445





	1. Wrong Phone.

Javi didn't know what time it was, only that he was far too comfortable to get out of bed. It was warm, the blankets soft against his rough skin. When was the last time he'd slept this good? He couldn't remember. Then again, when was the last time he'd drank as much as he had last night? He, again, couldn't remember.

His head was throbbing and he let out a groan of frustration as the phone rang, calloused hands grabbing the annoying device. "This is Peña."

Whoever was on the other line stayed silent for a second before responding. "Agent Peña? What-"

Brown eyes widened as the phone was abruptly grabbed from his hand, "Sorry, he grabbed the wrong phone."

The sound of your familiar voice caused his entire body to go rigid. His entire naked body. The phone was to your ear, barely covering the top of a very large mark. A bite that had clearly just begun bruising. The blanket was suddenly tugged a little bit further to your side as you sat up, long black waves cascading down your bare back. 

_Had you always had that tattoo?_

His thoughts were interrupted as he listened to the conversation. "No, Eduardo, we don't need to talk about my lack of a sex life, but thank you for reminding me. Yes, it's _still_ been three months. Thanks. He was way too drunk to let drive home so he crashed on my couch. I left the phone on the table. I'm an idiot and our phones look the same. You know those stupid ones the DEA gave us when they meddled in security? Yeah, that one. Hate this stupid thing. Anyway, what do you need?"

He could hear the sound of Sandoval through the receiver. He was laughing about something and it made your nose crinkle in disgust. Javi took the moment of your distraction to look around. He eyed the bra on the floor. Red lace? _That was hot._ Tired eyes scanned the floor and he noticed something odd. The lack of something, to be specific.

_No panties._

"-definitely don't know about that. Come on, Eddy, it's Christmas Eve. Get away from work. I don't mean out of the office, I mean actually stop working. I'm not helping with a work question right now. Nope. Don't know. Adios!"

"Is that a snake?"

You tossed the phone onto the nightstand and collapsed beside him, fingertips pressed to your temples. You massaged your head in small circles, heaving a deep sigh. His eyes stayed on you as you reached over to the nightstand again, grabbing randomly at the wood. Then, you rolled over, facing him and leaning over him to reach onto his side. The agent caught a nice view of your breast as you grabbed something and laid back down.

You popped a cigarette between your lips, last night's lipstick smudged slightly along your cheek. He absentmindedly brushed a thumb along the smear, catching your attention as he wiped the red away. Your gazes locked as you lit the smoke, taking a deep inhale and letting out a puff of white wisp. 

"Red looks good on you."

You handed the cigarette to the man and watched as he took his own puff. "You said that last night."

A thick brow quirked, "Did I? Don't remember."

You let out a sigh and massaged your forehead again, "Of course you don't. Look, I'm gonna keep this short and sweet, Javier. You passed out and I couldn't wake you up but, now that you're awake, it's time to go home. I can take you or you can take a taxi but-"

"I'm not riding in a fucking taxi."

You shrugged, the blanket falling further down your shoulders. "Then I'll drive you. You can't stay, though."

"Hell of a way to wake a guy up."

You glanced at him apathetically, stealing the cigarette back. "You woke me up. Why'd you have to answer the phone, anyway? Now I'm going to have to listen to my boss talk about my dry spell for another couple weeks."

"Dry spell?"

"Shut up. I don't know why I told you that."

"A woman that looks like you should never be in a dry spell. You kept your panties on last night but I'd be more than willing to fix that lacy problem for you.

Your eyes widened as you took another drag, thinking long and hard about how to respond. 

On the one hand, you could lie and save yourself a lot of trouble. You could pretend that he was right and that you'd done a little heavy petting at best. Make him get out of bed first, catch another greedy glimpse of that gorgeous cock, and pretend everything was normal. Second option, was to tell the truth. Tell him that the reason his good eye hadn't seen any panties was because you hadn't worn any. That you'd started making out the second you got to that door, barely getting the key in. He'd brushed that delicious mustache against your throbbing pussy and made you come harder than any man before him. You'd let him smack your ass hard and take you on the kitchen counter. Then again, in the bedroom.

Playing this game with Javier Peña was surely going to end in your loss either way. 

"We're _not_ talking about my sex life, Javier."

"No, we're talking about your lack of a sex life. It's a fucking crime. Should be arresting any man that doesn't look at you and immediately want to shove his face between those pretty thighs."

You inhaled sharply at his statement, cheeks flushing as you avoided his gaze. You'd known for a long time that Javier Peña was attracted to you. It was blatantly obvious in the way his gaze trailed down your figure during every meeting with Gaviria. The mere sight of him eye-fucking you always made your panties soak. Hell, sometimes even the sight of Murphy looking at you made you wet, if you were honest. 

Javi was right. That dry spell was a fucking crime.

"You're just saying that because you're naked in my bed."

"You knew I was naked this whole time?"

You smirked and rolled your eyes, "Course I did. You started stripping the second you stumbled through the damn door."

He hummed in response, reaching for the cigarette pack. He was oddly quiet, seemingly lost in his head. He sort of looked like he was trying to remember. You couldn't have that. So, you took another drag and handed him the half-smoked stick. The agent raised a brow, a silent question, and you smiled softly.

"All yours. Only wanted a couple puffs anyway. Plus, your smokes suck."

"You like what you saw?"

You yanked the blanket fully off of him in response, pulling a surprised yell from the man. Then, you wrapped it around yourself and stumbled out of the bed.

"You really think you're hot shit, don't you?"

You didn't look at him after you asked, opting to grab your dress off the floor. It was a skimpy little thing, worn with sexually driven intent. You see, breaking the dry spell had actually been your plan the night before. A Christmas party was the perfect place, so why not wear the tightest, sparkly green dress you owned? Only hiccup? Agent Peña hadn't exactly been your target. Oh no. Your target the night prior had actually been your boss. 

You were absolutely terrible. Hopefully, Eduardo would never find out about that.

"You've seen the way I look at you. Wanted to fuck you as soon as I saw you. Like I said, I wanna shove my head between those thighs, hermosa. Problem is, you're always ignoring me. Too good for me, huh?"

"You probably have herpes, Peña. How many women have you even slept with?"

You made a joke to bypass the question. He chuckled behind you and you carefully maneuvered yourself to pull the dress back on, attempting to cover your lower half with the blanket so he couldn't see the truth.

"Never answered my question. Is it a snake?"

He hadn't gotten a good look at the tattoo. You'd been twisted in an awkward way before and the way you were hiding now definitely wasn't helping him, either. He was curious, though. Curious about every inch of your curvy figure. He hadn't been lying before.

He'd always wanted you.

"You're an idiot, you know that? But yes, it's a snake. I'd show it to you, but I'm a little busy at the moment."

"Drop the fucking dress and show me."

His voice was stern, void of the usual teasing undertone, and it made your pussy throb with need. He'd fucked you so good last night, how was your body already wanting more? Javier was like that, you supposed. He was like the nicotine in those cigarettes. 

A fucking drug.

"You've seen me naked already, Javier. I won't show you a second time."

You let the truth fall from your lips as you finally pulled the dress over your breasts, zipping the back as far as you could on your own. Then, you tossed your hair over your shoulders and turned toward him. A bad choice. You'd forgotten that you'd stolen the blanket before and, now, you were staring directly at the man. The very naked man.

His dick was hard and you made the mistake of lingering on that part of him just a little too long. "Now who's doing the eye-fucking?"

You glanced at his face and swallowed thickly. "Like I said, you know you're hot shit. You don't need me staring at you to confirm that. It's a nice dick, though."

He let out a loud laugh and stood up from your bed, shamelessly walking over to you in the nude. "A nice dick you'd like to sit on?"

He was close. Too close. Sure, you weren't tipsy in the slightest anymore, but Javier had this effect on you. If he got too close, you wouldn't be able to stop yourself. So, you took a step back and threw the blanket at his chest.

"Put some clothes on, Peña. We're leaving as soon as I have some coffee. You want anything?"

"You."

"You're ridiculous. Like I said, you already saw me naked. You just don't remember."

"I'd remember if I saw you naked. It'd be the best damn Christmas present I'd ever gotten."

You let out a loud sigh and walked out, ignoring the slight pang in your chest at his words. He didn't remember anything about the night before, that much was clear. You absentmindedly rubbed the hickey on your neck, reminiscing in the feeling of his lips on your neck. Fixing yourself a cup of coffee, you made a second. Black. That was the way Javier took his, that much you knew.

Well, really you knew far too much about him. 

Enough to know that he was standing right behind you, based on the scent of his cologne. "Coffee's done. If you need water or aspirin, it's-"

The words died in your throat the second you felt a rough finger trail along your upper back. The dress was cut low in the back, the tattoo probably mostly visible beneath your hair. He traced the outline and you shivered, clenching your thighs in response. 

"Hermosa."

You let out a quiet laugh, "It's decently well done for how old it is. Got it when I was nineteen."

"And that was…how many years ago?"

Your entire body stiffened at his question. "You don't even know how fucking old I am? Jesus, Javi."

"How old am I?"

You responded instantly, "43."

He was silent behind you, his fingers stilling on your spine. "Point taken. I'm an idiot."

"Thirteen, by the way."

"Is that how old you think I act, or-"

You turned around abruptly, his hand moving from your skin as you handed him the coffee cup. "How many years ago. I was nineteen about thirteen years ago. So, you can do the math. You won't bother remembering, though, so I'm not really sure why you asked."

He was too close again, clad in only his jeans. They were low on his hips, a thin strip of hair trailing up to his belly button. You tried to ignore it, though, sipping on your own coffee. He was staring at you thoughtfully, brown eyes searching yours. Then, he set his coffee down and stared at it.

"Black?"

"That's how you take it. Unless you've been lying to everyone to seem more macho."

He groaned, "Fucking hell, you're killing me."

Taking another sip, you raised a brow. "Pretty sure it's the alcohol and nicotine, actually. Maybe even the job? Getting shot at and all isn't doing you any favors."

He didn't laugh, grabbing your coffee and setting it down beside his. You let out a complaint until he silenced you by stepping closer. He had you pinned against the counter, the warmth of his body radiating to yours. 

"You're fucking gorgeous, you know that?"

His voice was serious and it made you slightly uncomfortable, so you cracked a joke. "Stop it, Javier. You're going to inflate my ego. Then, neither of our heads will fit through doors."

"Your birthday was in March, I remember that. There was a big cake and flowers on your desk."

You sighed again, pushing your palm against his bare chest to push him back. "October. My birthday is in late October, Javier. March was President Gaviria's birthday. I bought the cake."

"Fuck."

"It's fine. I don't expect you to remember anything about me. We don't even technically work together."

"You taste like sugarcane. Sweet, and a little earthy. There's a freckle on your right buttcheek and two cuter ones on your left nipple. You make cute little whines when I flick my tongue just right on your-"

"You knew the whole time?!"

Your question was a shriek and you found yourself mortified to be near him. He'd known the entire time that you'd slept together. That your dry spell had been over the second he'd brought you inside. That he'd made you see stars for a solid hour and a half. 

He smiled softly, stepping closer again and gripping your waist. "Didn't at first. I remembered when I mentioned eating you out. It reminded me that I already had. I don't remember your birthday but I'll be damned if I don't remember every little thing about last night. Told you, I've wanted you since-"

"Yeah, yeah. Since you saw me. You finally got what you wanted, Peña. Now, let's get you out of my house. Come on."

You made a move to leave and his grip tightened slightly, not painful in the slightest. "No way. Not until you tell me what _you_ remember about last night."

"Everything. You know I remember everything, so why bother asking? Is it more satisfying if I tell you how good it was? If I tell you that the feeling of your dick inside me while you bent me over my own kitchen counter was one of the most incredible things I've ever felt? That I want to cum on your tongue every second of every day? That I'd get on both knees right now if-"

He growled and crashed his mouth onto yours, tongue slipping through your parted lips. He tasted like nicotine and coffee, the most delicious combination of bitter flavors on your tongue. He pulled you against him, fingers trailing down your back to yank the zipper of your dress down. The shimmery fabric pooled at your ankles and he grabbed your ass, lifting your naked body so that you were wrapped around him.

You pulled away for a second, panting against his mouth. "Javi…"

He dropped his mouth from yours, boosting you up further as he latched his mouth to your nipple. "So fucking gorgeous. Freckles. Right here."

He scraped his teeth on your left nipple and you whined, a hand fisting in his hair. You tugged at the short waves and he let out a groan. He moved his mouth, hovering right above the swell of your breast and then he bit down, sucking hard on the new mark.

So lost in the moment, you didn't even notice that he had walked you over to your door, pressing your bare back against the wood. He trailed his lips across your shoulders, swirling the tip of his tongue across the slightly healed mark on your neck before setting you down. Then, he knelt down between your legs.

You let out a whine in anticipation and he laughed, hot breath cascading over your clit. "Hermosa."

You whined again, "Javi, please. As much as I love this I don't need it."

You were telling the truth. He could tell by the glistening of your lower lips that you didn't need any foreplay. He could dive his dick right into you and you'd take him perfectly. Still, he didn't care. 

He pressed his tongue against your core and you let out a throaty moan, jolting against his mouth. He set a brutal pace, shoving his tongue into your warmth and then sucking gently on your clit. You were shaking, legs nearing the edge of giving out, and he pulled away just before you reached your peak.

You glared down at him, "What the hell, Javi."

He smirked against your thigh, nibbling on the delicate skin. "Thought you said you didn't need it."

You had said that, hadn't you? 

You let out a huff and nudged him backward with your knee, moving to pull away. He didn't let you get far, moving far too quickly for you to respond. In a split second, he had your chest pressed against the door, ass directly in front of his face. He smacked your ass hard, receiving a desperate noise from you in response.

"What did you call me the other day? When I was talking to that receptionist?"

You rolled your eyes at the memory. He'd been sitting on her desk, leaning over and twirling a strand of her over-dyed hair. You'd turned your nose at the sight, rolling your eyes as he'd hopped off her desk. He'd followed, having waited for you specifically, and you'd called him a name before he could even say a word.

"Bottom feeder."

He smacked your other cheek and you moaned loudly. "Good girl. Now, I'm gonna prove you right. Spread your legs."

Still pressed against the wall, you blinked in confusion. He didn't give you long to think, pushing your thighs apart. The position made you flush with embarrassment, his face directly in front of your-

_Wait. Bottom feeder?_

You yelped as a warm wetness made its way around your rim. He placed a broad lick along your asshole, dipping the tip of his tongue into the tight hole.

"Holy shit, Javier."

He hummed against your backside, "Wanted to do this last night but someone was in a hurry."

The feeling was indescribable. It was a new sensation, no man having ever touched you there before. It was the only virgin thing about you at this point. Deft fingers slid between your thighs and you bit down on your lip as they made their way inside of you. As nice as the feeling was, you were far too impatient to truly appreciate it.

"Javi...please."

He pulled away slightly, placing a gentle kiss on your left cheek. Then, you felt his fingers retreat as he stood up. Your eyes were glazed over, face flushed as he moved behind you. Soon enough, you let out another louder moan as he pressed the tip of himself against your core.

"Hermosa. Took you in the kitchen and the bedroom last night. Let's fucking christen this living room."

"Anywhere. You can fuck me anywhere, Javier."

"Maybe we can fuck in Gaviria's office next time."

_Next time?_

The implications of his words shook you and you gasped, nipples pebbling as they pressed against the cold door. You didn't get to ask him about the statement, when he was pushing himself inside of you. If you were a responsible adult, you'd have insisted he wear a condom. He hadn't worn one last night, though, so did it really matter now?

_Yes. Yes but, to you, no._

He gripped your waist with one calloused hand, the other gripping your ass tightly as he pounded into you. There was nothing intimate about it. It was pure, carnal sex. You'd gotten the intimate part of him earlier, anyway, when he'd spoken about your body. The way he'd remembered even the small detail of the freckle on your behind made you swoon.

Well, it would have if you weren't currently brain dead as he fucked you against wood.

"So fucking tight. So wet for me. Tell me, hermosa, would Eddy have fucked you like this?"

Your eyes snapped open, "What?"

His hand on your ass tightened, right before he lifted it to give you a good smack. "You remember what you told me last night? Right after I tasted that perfect pussy?"

You couldn't remember, actually. Your brain had been fuzzy for most of the first half of your previous night. He'd been far drunker than you, though, so how the hell did he remember?

"No. I don't remember that part."

He growled, lips directly beside your ear as he thrusted. He was rubbing against you so deliciously that you almost missed his response. Well, you would have if he hadn't been right beside you, nibbling on your ear before he spoke.

"You told me you wore that dress for Sandoval. He told you that you looked stunning in it one time so you put it on last night. Saw you guys talking at the party. He tell you that you looked fucking incredible? I know I did."

"Javi, were you jealous?"

He smacked your ass again and you yelped, the pain and pleasure mixing together in harmony. "You know what? Yeah. I'm fucking jealous. Jealous that you put that skimpy little dress on with no fucking panties and all for Sandoval. Guess I shouldn't complain, though. He's not the one balls deep inside you right now."

You cried out as he thrusted. He was so good. Even better than the night before, if that were possible. His hand fisted in your hair, yanking your head back and you arched your back. He was ruthless, his pace absolutely brutal as he pounded into you. If he were anybody else, you'd have pushed him off by now. You'd have told him to go easy on you. 

But this was Javier and you craved him in the most glorious way now. You wanted your pussy to throb any time you saw him. You wanted to have vivid dreams about his face between your legs. You wanted to not be able to walk after the holidays.

Hell, you almost wanted to spend Christmas with him, fucking all damn day.

You clenched your walls at the thought and he groaned into your neck, "Fucking hell. Your pussy was made for me. She fucking knows me."

You nodded frantically as he kept pushing into you. "It's yours, Javier. Anytime you want it. Say the fucking word and I'll let you fuck me. Whenever. Wherever."

"You doing anything tomorrow?"

You pressed back against him, moaning loudly as you thought about his question. "Tomorrow's Christmas, Javi."

He snapped his hips against yours and kept going, "I know. Family's in the States. Connie and Steve invited me over but I can think of someone else I'd rather spend the day inside with."

You groaned against the wood of the door. Did he even know what he was asking you? What he was implying? The _hell_ you'd have to go through if you said yes to him? 

You'd never hear the end of it. You had a history, since working for the President's office, of going to Eduardo's for Christmas. His family had welcomed you with open arms and it felt rude to say no. Especially, if the reason was the handsome DEA agent currently buried deep inside you.

You must have taken too long to respond and he slowed, "Don't have to if you don't want to. Just an idea."

Javi had this way of pushing people away if they got too close. This was him doing just that. You hadn't jumped at the opportunity, so his stupid pride wouldn't let him take a potential loss. Instead, he'd pretend it wasn't a big deal and he'd push it to the side.

"Javier-"

There was that stupid male pride again. He thrusted into you faster, making spots appear in your vision. It was an attempt to drop the subject. He thought it wasn't going to go in his favor, so he was fucking you senseless to make you forget he'd even asked. It would have been a foolproof plan...

On anybody else.

But you knew Javier Peña better than that.

His thrusts were becoming erratic, a tell tale sign that he was close. Good. So were you. You pressed back against him, meeting his thrusts, and he groaned loudly. You pulled your hands from the wall and reached one behind you, holding the back of his head so that he couldn't move too far from his spot beside your cheek. The other trailed down, covering his hand as it gripped your waist. There was something intimate about the position. He must have liked it, too, because not a second later he was grunting into your ear and stilling behind you.

"Fuck."

Your chest heaved as he throbbed inside of you, filling you with his hot seed. You should have been upset that he hadn't pulled out. You should have pushed him away. 

You didn't. 

Instead, you relaxed in the comfort of his arms. He didn't leave you be for long, though. Soon enough, he was pulling out of you and rough fingertips were sliding into your aching core. He pressed any leaked fluids back into you, diving his long digits into you. Pressing a thumb to your clit, he applied just enough pressure to push you over the edge. You hadn't needed much more, just the little bit to get you to the finish line.

You gave him a throaty moan and collapsed against the door, clit throbbing in the aftermath. You stayed like that for a bit, catching your breath as he slowly moved behind you. He gave you a couple minutes before speaking.

"You gonna be okay to drive me back? Or should I find another way home."

Your eyes snapped open, arms pushing you from leaning on the door. "What?"

You turned to find him staring off into the distance, not looking at you as he continued. "I can get a cab. Or I can call Steve. He'll ask me a shitload of questions but I'll just lie and say I crashed here like you told Sandoval. That way-"

"Javier. Stop."

He obliged, gaze flickering to your tortured face. His cum was dripping lightly down your thighs and you clenched them together, eyes downcast. He wanted to leave. 

"Look, I'm sure you have more important stuff to do today. Don't let me keep you."

"If you wanted to fucking leave, Peña, why didn't you say so earlier?"

Now, you were pissed. His brown eyes were wide in surprise at your outburst, having never heard anything quite like it. He didn't know what to make of it.

"The hell's your problem? I'm just trying to answer your question from earlier. You asked if I wanted a ride-"

"Fuck you. You're upset because I didn't answer your question. You know why, Javi? Because I don't know what you want from me. You just asked me to spend Christmas with you. Do you realize that? Does it register that you just asked a woman, who you don't even know the age of, to spend a major holiday with you? Maybe, I need to actually have a coherent brain when I answer."

He ran a hand down his face in frustration. "I asked you if you wanted to spend the day with me. Not if you wanted to get married and buy a goddamn farm."

"Have you ever spent a holiday with a woman? Just the two of you?"

You stared him down as you waited. It didn't take him long. "Well, no."

You waved your hands in the air, "Then there you go! Stop being an asshole. I hesitated because if I spend the day with you, I have to make up an excuse for the people I usually spend it with. Now, before you go getting your tight ass jeans in a wad, I'm not opposed to the idea. In fact, I like it. Thing is, I just want to know what I'm getting myself into. Is that so terrible?"

He sighed, "Fine. I don't know, okay? I don't know what people do on Christmas anymore. Should we fuck all day? Bake some damn cookies? Watch a movie? What do you want to do?"

You snorted at his options before taking a step toward him and pressing a kiss to his lips. "All of the above. How about that?"

You tugged at his bottom lip with your teeth and he groaned against your mouth. "Fuck, you're perfect."

You were stopped by the sound of a phone ringing in the distance. Probably Sandoval again. You gave Javi an apologetic look and pulled away from him, walking swiftly toward your room in the nude. He let out a whistle as your hips swayed and you laughed. 

Finally, you got to the room and picked up the phone. "Eddy I swear if this is another work question-"

A man's voice came from the other line, but not Sandoval's. "Y/N?"

_Shit._

You slapped a hand to your forehead, "Sorry, Steve. Let me go give the phone to Javier."

You scrambled out of the room and his laughter came through the receiver. "Nah, I don't wanna talk to that asshole now. I'd rather find out why you're answering-"

You tossed the phone at the confused agent in your kitchen and mouth an apology. Then, you watched as his eyes widened when he pressed the phone to his ear.

The two of you were in such deep shit now.


	2. The Best Present.

Feet tangled in the sheets, you draped your arm around the agent's chest. You'd been awake for an hour now, running out of the house for a bit while he slept. You'd had something to grab before he woke up. Then, you'd taken your clothes off again and crawled back beside him so that he'd never know. He'd been on the verge of waking up when you got back and you were no doubt increasing that by trailing your fingertips across his chest. As if to confirm the fact, Javi let out a noise of disapproval.

"Just a little longer."

You rolled your eyes, pinching his nipple and laughing when he yelped. "I'm pretty sure _someone_ said we'd bake cookies and watch movies. Not that I don't like this, but I'm hungry."

Brown eyes flickered to eye your face from beneath his own arm. "Hungry? I've got something you can ea-"

You pinched his nipple again. "Not in the mood for salchicha, Javier. Maybe later."

"Maybe?"

You huffed and rolled out of the bed, shamelessly walking to your closet in your birthday suit. Nimble fingers ran through the options of fabric until you settled on something. You didn't have any grand Christmas plans, so comfy clothes were best. You still wanted to look presentable, though. After all, it was Christmas. You pulled out a white cropped shirt and a suede mini skirt.

"Got a hot date?"

You'd just finished zipping the skirt when he spoke. "Yeah, actually. He's about 5'11. A little full of himself but he's really good in the bedroom. And that mustache. Don't even get me started."

"Never realized you had a thing for my mustache."

Boy, did you ever. You fucking loved that glorious mustache.

You nodded, turning to find him already propped up on the pillow. He was looking at you in a way you hadn't seen before. Like he was trying to figure you out. You gave him an easy smile in response.

"What are you thinking about? Don't want you hurting that brain, Javi."

"What's your favorite color?"

You blinked in surprise, huffing out a laugh. "That's a really random question for how long you sat there staring at me."

"Give a guy a break, hermosa. What's your favorite color?"

You shrugged, taking a few steps forward to sit down on the bed beside him. "Red. Yours?"

"Blue, I guess." His response was a brush off as he continued. "Got any siblings?"

You nodded, "I've got a sister in Southern California. She does real estate."

He grabbed a lock of your messy hair, twirling it around a finger. "Bet she's not as pretty as you."

"Why the game of twenty questions, Javi? You've never-"

"Exactly. I've never bothered asking. So, I'm asking now. You're 31?"

You snorted, "32. You suck at math. Anything else you wanna know?"

"Your parents live here in Colombia? Your English is way too good. It's mostly all you use, even around Sandoval and Gaviria. I've always meant to ask about it."

"One does. My father is retired now but he used to be a cop here. Met my mom when she worked at the embassy. She lives in California near my sister now. That's where I was raised most of my life. They're divorced."

"Sorry."

You shook your head at him as his hand trailed down your arm. "Don't be, Javi. They were terrible together. I don't need to tell you how time consuming being a cop in Colombia is. He was married to the job and she stressed every damn night. Now, they're happy. She loves California and I love the vacation I get when I visit. Even though he lives in Ibagué, I don't see my dad much."

"Any particular reason?"

It was weird. Him being like this. It was almost like he wanted to get to know you. He'd never made an attempt before, only ever trying to get in your pants. Now, he'd gotten that far and was making the effort to get to know you. 

It was backwards. Javi had always been a man to act first and ask later, though.

"I work a lot. You know that. I usually see him for a family trip every year but the holidays he spends with his new wife's family. I'm sure I could go if I wanted to but I don't like her much."

"Family trip? The one to Hawaii?"

Your eyes widened and you turned to face him, impulsively leaning forward to capture his lips with yours. You didn't know why, but Javi mentioning even something as trivial as where you take your yearly vacation stirred something inside you. It forced out a longing you hadn't known was there. Maybe it had been the entire time and you'd pushed it away. 

Maybe you'd always felt something deeper for the stubborn agent and that had scared you.

You pulled away from the kiss to make eye contact with him. "Hawaii. Every year in May. With-"

"Your sister."

You lit up and nodded, pressing another kiss to his cheek. "Yup. Now, can we go bake cookies?"

"Only if I get a different treat later, hermosa."

You tugged at his earlobe with your teeth before you pulled away, "Told you. Anytime, Javier. Anytime."

* * *

'Anytime' ended up being while the cookies were in the oven. He dipped his finger in the remnants of batter that was in the bowl and held it in front of your mouth. Locking eyes, you immediately wrapped your lips around the digit, sucking gently and swirling your tongue to get every bit of the sweet dough. He groaned and you pulled away, smiling sweetly.

"You did say you wanted a treat, right?"

His eyes darkened and he wrapped a hand around your waist, tugging you closer so that he could kiss you. You moaned into his mouth, giving him easy access to explore your mouth with his tongue. Mustache brushing against your upper lip, you slid your palms under his shirt and trailed them up. He pulled his mouth away from yours, dotting your cheek and neck with quick kisses.

"Can't decide if I wanna fuck or if I wanna see your pretty face looking up at me with your knees on the fucking floor."

You gasped, "We can always do both."

Nibbling on your neck, he let out an amused huff. "I ever tell you that you're fucking incredible?"

Your hands reached down, tugging at the zipper of his jeans. The thought made you smile. Only Javier Peña would wear jeans to a Christmas Eve party with the President of Colombia present. You remembered being amused by it at the party, giggling when Eduardo had complained that the DEA was far 'too casual' around Gaviria. 

At least Javi had the good conscience to wear a button down and a tie. That was formal enough, right?

You impatiently popped the button of his denim, tugging the sides to drop his pants to the floor. Then, your knees. You tugged his hair to pull his mouth from your neck and dropped yourself to the floor, his dick standing at attention directly in front of you.

You wasted no time.

Neatly manicured fingers wrapped around him, tugging experimentally. He cussed above you and you looked up, immediately locking eyes with him as his chest heaved in anticipation. You picked your lips, smirking up at him before leaning forward to take him in your mouth.

You flattened your tongue along the bottom of his cock, sucking gently and rewarded with praise from above you. "Fuck, that's good."

You hummed in response, receiving a jerk of his hips at the vibration. You gagged slightly, but continued, only turned on more. Hollowing your cheeks, you pumped your hand at his base and kept going. You swirled your tongue around the head, dipping into the tip where his precum leaked. He was salty, the usual flavor with a bit of a Javi twist. There was something unmistakably him in the taste. 

The thought made your pussy throb. 

Bobbing your head, you took a deep breath and your hand let go of him. You opened your mouth wide and swallowed, taking him to the back of your throat. He jerked his hips again, groaning loudly and wrapping a hand in your long locks. You'd never liked it when a man pushed his cock deeper into your throat. It had always felt forced and far too rough.

When Javi did it, though, it was bliss.

He thrusted gently as you took him deep into your mouth, making you moan around him. You reached a hand down between your legs, slipping between your thighs to touch yourself. You'd never put any panties on, knowing full well that they'd only be removed if you had. Silently thanking yourself, you moaned louder as you pressed the tips of your index and middle fingers into your wet cunt. You were certain he could hear the wet noise, but you didn't care in the slightest.

You dove your fingers inside the warmth, whining as you fingered yourself. The only sounds in the kitchen were the squelching of your pussy and the gurgle at the back of your throat when he thrusted into your mouth. His hips were jerking, a sign that he was probably close, and you pressed the pad of your thumb against your clit in response.

Another throaty moan escaped your lips and he tightened his hand in your hair. "Fucking hell, you're so good at this. You like it too, don't you? Touching yourself while you fucking swallow my cock. I wanna cum down your fucking throat, hermosa. You gonna let me?"

You nodded as much as the position allowed, humming around his throbbing cock in an affirmative. He groaned, picking up his pace as you breathed through your nose. There was probably saliva dripping down your chin and you were certain that you looked wild. He moved faster, chasing his own release as his balls slapped your chin. 

Peering down at you, he smirked. "I'll let you have it if you do something for me."

You bobbed your head more and he groaned again, "Stick one of those wet fingers in your ass, hermosa. I promise it'll be fucking worth it."

The idea was dirty, far filthier than anything you'd ever done. Still, you were tempted. He'd taken a couple licks of your asshole the day before and the feeling had been indescribable. He was far more experienced in the bedroom, of that you were certain, so you made an impulsive decision. You moved your hand lower, fingers wet with your own juices. You kept your thumb pressed to your clit and dipped your middle finger into the tighter hole. You were met with resistance at first, but kept at it until your finger made its way deeper. The odd feeling of stretching made you cry out and he gave you a noise in response.

"That feel good? You wanna cum like that?"

His dirty words made you move faster, tiny circles on your clit pushing you closer and closer. Add in the new feeling of an intrusion in your ass, you were certain you were going to do exactly that. You were going to cum with Javi's dick in your mouth and your own finger up your ass. 

He jerked his hips a couple more times and locked eyes with you again, "I'm gonna fucking cum. Swallow every drop, hermosa."

You sucked in your cheeks and hummed again, pushing him over the edge. He came with a grunt, spilling himself down your throat as you moaned wildly. Finger still in your own ass, you cried out around him as your clit throbbed. You came loudly, pussy pulsing as you pulled off of him and yanked your fingers away from yourself. You collapsed onto your throbbing ass, gasping for air as you stared up at him. A trickle of cum leaked from your lips and you licked it up.

He raked a hand through his own hair, looking down at you as you sat on the floor. "Fuck, that was hot."

You leaned your head back against a cupboard and laughed. "I don't know that I'm gonna be hungry enough for cookies now."

He shook his head in amusement and tucked himself back into his jeans, zipping and buttoning them quickly. Then, he held out a hand for you to take. You nodded, grabbing onto it so he could pull you up off the floor. It ended up being perfect timing, as the beeping of your timer started going off. 

* * *

How the two of you had managed to do anything productive after your rendezvous in the kitchen, was beyond you. Still, you smiled brightly as you munched on slightly under baked cookies and watched telenovelas. Sure, they weren't Christmas movies, but they'd do. Besides, Javi didn't seem to be paying any attention to them anyhow. 

"You like dogs or cats?"

You plopped another cookie into your mouth, gaze flickering to his handsome face as your ankles were crossed in his lap. "Dogs. They're loyal. Cats are assholes."

He laughed, yanking the other half of the cookies from your lips and tossing it into his own mouth. "I ever tell you about Murphy's cat?"

Before you could respond curiously, your phone rang loudly. You had put yours on that side of the table so this was-

"I think that's your phone this time, Javi."

"You sure? I thought mine was over by you."

The two of you stared at each other for a second before he sighed, accepting your decision, and grabbed the phone. "Peña."

Someone began speaking in Spanish and you heaved a sigh of relief. Almost nobody ever spoke to you in Spanish on the phone. You were grateful that you had actually managed to give the correct call to him. That is, until he cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Yes, sir." He handed the cell to you.

"Who is it?" You pressed the phone to your ear. "This is Y/N."

"Hola, mija."

You almost choked on the remnants of the cookie in your mouth. The voice was deep, rough with age, and the familiar sound made your entire body still. It wasn't that you were unhappy to hear it, it was just that you were mortified that you'd made Javi answer it.

"Hola, Papa. How is everyone?"

"Good, good. Carmela is slaving away in the kitchen. Let's not talk about that. Let's talk about la policia que answered your telefono."

His use of Spanglish had always made you laugh, his years of dealing with you and your sister's English having worn on him. Well, it always made you laugh except for in this moment. "Police? I don't know-"

"I recognize a cop when I hear one, mija. Who's the hombre spending Christmas with my baby?"

You bit your lip, contemplating how to respond. "Can we talk about why you actually called, and not my love life? Por favor."

The agent beside you looked severely uncomfortable, fidgeting with a stray thread on his jeans. It was understandable, really. You couldn't fault him in the slightest. After all, it was probably already out of his comfort zone to spend an entire day with a woman, let alone a holiday. Then, he'd accidentally talked to her father. Not comfortable in the slightest.

You were shocked he wasn't making excuses to leave.

You were in the process of tuning your father out as he spoke about golf. A beyond boring sport, in your honest opinion, but his favorite pastime. It seemed to be one of all older men's favorite hobbies. You'd mumbled affirmative responses at the man until he'd asked you one specific question. 

"Any niños for you and that cop?"

You coughed loudly, Javi giving you a concerned look, and you were certain that your face was bright red. "No! I mean, I don't know! Why are you asking me that?"

You pushed yourself off the couch and marched into the kitchen, away from curious ears. You didn't want Javi to know anything about what your dad was asking. You could hear slight rustling coming from the living room, but opted to ignore it to listen to your father.

"I worry about you, mija. I'm shocked your Mama hasn't yelled at you about it. You always wanted-"

"Can we drop it, please? I don't know when I'll have kids. Go bug mi hermanita. She's got a boyfriend."

The banter continued on until, finally, you heard your stepmom yelling in the background. Saved by satan herself. She was screaming about your father not helping enough and you smirked. It didn't take him long to respond, apologizing and hanging up the call. 

You heaved a sigh, massaging your temples and reaching up into a cupboard. You pulled down two short glasses, grabbing a bottle of expensive scotch from the next shelf up. You poured two glasses and walked out into an empty living room.

"Javi?"

Your home was quiet, the show you'd been watching now turned off. Your brows furrowed as you took in the scene before you. He'd foregone the dress shirt before, opting to leave it on the floor all day. He'd stayed in his undershirt instead. That red button down, though? Gone. Dress shoes? Gone. Watch? Gone. Aviators? You guessed it. Gone.

You checked the rest of the house, finding no trace of the agent anywhere, and were about to give up when you came to a realization. How could he get anywhere? You'd never taken him home. He'd spent the entire last two days with you, so how would he have gotten anywhere if he still didn't have his car?

You pulled a pair of shoes on and walked out the front door, immediately picking up on the sound of his voice from around the corner. He was frantic, tugging at the collar of that red shirt you'd been looking for before.

"No, Steve. Shut the fuck up, asshole. No, I said come pick me up. Come on, I know it's Christmas. Look, tell Connie I'm really sorry but it's an emergency. You gotta get me out of here, man. This was a mistake. No, I'm not going back in there. Fuck off. I know she's great but I'm just not into it, okay? I don't know what I was thinking. I-"

"You know, if you needed a ride home so desperately you could've just asked."

"Shit!" Your voice had startled him, causing him to drop the phone on the ground. "Hermosa, I-"

Your eyes were blank as you stared at him, shrugging nonchalantly. "I doubt she's going to let him leave now. I just need my keys and we can go. Tell Steve he can keep spending the holiday with his wife. You're all ready anyway."

His jaw clenched as he stared at you, bending down to pick the phone back up and put it to his ear. "You still there? Yeah. Uh huh. Fuck you, asshole. No, you can't talk to her. No-"

You stepped in front of him and grabbed the phone in annoyance, "What's up, Steve? Merry Christmas."

"Are you okay?"

"Nope."

Javi couldn't hear what the other man was asking, so what was the harm in being honest?

You heard him sigh heavily into the phone, "He's a fucking idiot. He wants to be there. Trust me."

"Why'd you ask to talk to me Steve? Your partner is going to lose his mind if he stays in my _miserable_ company anymore."

Your voice was tense as you spoke to the blonde, and you watched as Javi diverted his gaze from you. Was that...shame? Regret? _Good_. That's what he should feel. You'd sucked his dick less than an hour ago and he'd basically just claimed that spending time with you was a mistake. 

That being with you...was a mistake.

"I'm real sorry, Y/N."

"Not your fault, Steve. I offered him a ride home yesterday. Can't take it back now. Enjoy your Christmas."

"Yeah, Merry Christmas."

You hung up and handed the phone off. The second he took it back, you marched back into the house. You wasted no time, grabbing a coat and locking the door behind you. You brushed past him, only stopping when he grabbed your arm.

"Look, I-"

"Don't want an explanation, Peña. You've got all your shit so let's go."

"Stop. Let me explain."

You huffed, yanking your arm free and turning towards him. You hated yourself. Hated yourself for going to that party. Hated yourself for bringing him home. Hated yourself for discovering feelings. Hated yourself for crying like you were right now.

Tears cascaded down your cheeks and you glared at him, "Fuck you. You know, if you wanted to ruin my Christmas you could've found a million other ways to do it. You could've put too much salt in the cookies. You could've told me no when I asked to watch movies. You could've just fucking left when I told you to leave. I gave you a fucking out, asshole. Should've taken it. I don't want your explanation. Maybe you just wanted to fuck some more. You could've just been honest."

He took a step toward you and you instinctively took one away. "I'm sorry, hermo-"

"Don't call me that. Actually, don't call me at all. Lose my number. When I drop you off, the only place I want to have to see you is at work."

"Me being honest never makes anyone happy, you know."

"I know. I still would've been mad at you. Still would have thought what I think now. That all you wanted was to get in my pants. You did it. Go ahead, tell everyone about it. Tell them I begged you for it. Tell them I'm an idiot. I hope it was worth it. Whatever you do, you're going home now. You ruined half of my Christmas but you won't fucking ruin all of it."

You bolted past him, jogging to your car. Thankfully, your house had a spot right in front of the gate, and you hopped in. He got into the passenger seat without a word and you drove fifteen minutes in pure silence. Then, when you got to his house, you pulled over and turned off the ignition.

He didn't move to get out, sitting still beside you, and you sighed. "This is your place, right? I drove you here once before-"

"You remember everything, don't you?"

His question surprised you and you arched a brow, "I have a good memory. Are you _really_ trying to make small talk right now?"

"The way I take my coffee. How old I am. All of it. You remember everything."

Your voice was quiet. "Why does it matter?"

"I don't know."

You laughed, "You don't know? Get out of my car."

"Is that what you want?"

"Javier, it doesn't matter what I want. I didn't even know what I wanted until today."

"Until today?"

You shook your head, grimacing. "Doesn't matter. Go inside. Take a shower. Go over to Steve's place. Have a weird Christmas. A weird but happy Christmas. One where you don't have to spend time with a woman you barely know. One where you don't have to pretend you like sitting on her couch, sharing cookies and watching bad tv. One where you don't have to pretend you're _maybe_ into her. One where you don't have to tell her this was a mistake because she already knows."

"What are you gonna do?"

"Who cares. You don't. Maybe I'll grovel and go to Eddy's house like I usually do. Maybe I'll go to my dad's and deal with my bitch of a stepmom. Hell, maybe I'll go home and pretend that we didn't fuck on every damn surface. Pretend I didn't just suck your fucking cock in my kitchen while I drink the scotch I poured. Yeah, that sounds nice."

You tossed something at him and he caught it instantly. Brown eyes flickered to his palm as he stared at the small box. It was wrapped almost perfectly, tied together with a small red bow. He didn't know what to do. How to respond.

"Merry Christmas, Javi. Get out of my fucking car."

"I didn't get you anything."

"I know. So, give me the best present possible and get out of my car."

He took a second but obliged, opening the door reluctantly and hopping out. He'd barely had enough time to close the door before you were speeding off. You left him behind without a second glance, driving in a random direction.


	3. A Mistake.

You went into work two days later with the most excruciating headache you'd ever had. Your entire brain felt like it was on the verge of exploding and you popped another pair of aspirin as you walked in. A few people said hi, mixed with a lot of well rested and cheery faces that made you nauseous. Well, the nausea could have actually been the massive hangover but who cared.

"Y/N?"

The voice of your boss made you pause as you set down your third cup of coffee. "Eddy. How was Christmas? Sorry I wasn't there, I just-"

"You look terrible."

You winced as you sat down, all the alcohol from the last few days finally catching up to you. "Thanks. Those are the words every woman loves to hear. How _are_ you single?"

He sat down on your desk, eyeing you carefully. "You know what I mean. Are you hungover?"

"Yup. Christmas. What can I say? 'Tis the season, or something like that."

"Should I assume your Christmas didn't go well?" You shrugged, attempting to push the question away. "So, Agent Peña? Come on, Y/N. You could do-"

No such luck, apparently. "Better? Thanks. I thought we weren't going to talk about this."

He sighed and patted your shoulder gently, "Okay, fine. The DEA will be here soon, though. Want to go grab the mail?"

You leaned back in your chair with a groan, "Thanks, but I'm a big girl. I'll deal with it."

"I'm sorry, Y/N."

"For what? You didn't fuck me and then run away on Christmas."

His eyes widened and you shrugged, no longer caring what he knew. At this point, the entire DEA and Search Bloc probably knew that the agent had finally slid into your pants. Hell, they probably all knew about that lacy red number you'd worn under the dress at the party. Maybe, they even knew about the freckle on your ass.

He'd probably told them all every single detail.

"He's an idiot. You deserve better."

"Ah yes, Eduardo, because men flock to me. Please."

"You're beautiful."

"Could've told me that at the party. Maybe I wouldn't have taken him home." He was silent and you gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. I'm being an asshole. It wasn't your fault-"

"You wore my favorite dress."

You almost choked on your coffee, "Huh?"

"The dress you wore. It's my favorite dress. I know you wore it for a reason. Look, can I be honest with you?"

_Here it comes_. Not only had you just been rejected by a DEA agent, but you were about to be told, by your boss, that he also wasn't interested. This was great. How much better could your Christmas week get?

You conceded, "Why not? Can't really ruin my day. Go for it."

Leaning forward on your desk, he grabbed your cheeks in his palms and stared at you. "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever laid my eyes on. Stunning. You're intelligent, caring and stubborn. All the qualities I'd ever want in a partner. The thing is, I'm your boss. I'm your boss and you have feelings for another man. A stupid man, but another man. Comprende?"

You tugged your lip between your teeth, face flushed with embarrassment. You were about to respond when all of a sudden the doors to the large room were opened and five people walked in. Messina, Colonel Pinzón, that one CIA guy whose name you could never remember, and two DEA agents, one of which you'd hoped you wouldn't see again so soon. 

He looked tired as hell. And pissed.

Sandoval pulled away from you, standing up to greet everyone. His greeting to the mustached agent was far less cordial, offering him a nod instead of a pleasantry. He motioned for everyone to come into the room ahead, leaning over your desk one more time before he left.

"If anyone calls, the President and I are busy."

You gave him a nod, "Yes, sir."

"We'll finish our talk later."

You chewed on your cheek, "That's not necessary."

He nodded and walked into the room. Everyone followed except the two DEA agents. Murphy eyed you warily as Javier kept his gaze anywhere but on you. You didn't mind. It was easier to be near him if he wasn't looking at you.

Steve made the first move. "Rough night?"

You glared at him, "You're the second man to imply I look like shit in the last two minutes. I'm starting to think I should have put more concealer on."

"You always look good. You just look tired, too."

"I'm hungover."

He gave a nod of understanding and leaned onto your desk. "How was your-"

He stopped himself immediately and you laughed. "My Christmas? It had its moments, I guess. How was yours? How's Connie?"

He was grateful for the slight change in subject, giving you an appreciative look. "She's good. Almost had a heart attack when Javi showed up smelling like cookies. Motherfucker usually reeks of cigarettes and stale coffee."

_Shit._

The change of subject really hadn't lasted long. Steve was terrible at talking to you and avoiding the subject of his partner. Thankfully, or not, he was saved by the head of an annoyed CIA agent peeking back in. The balding man flicked his gaze to you, an amused look on his face.

"You fellas gonna keep flirting with the receptionist or do you think you can keep it in your pants for a bit while we have this meeting?"

He'd always called you 'the receptionist' and it had always bugged you. Thing is, you'd never voiced how much it bugged you. That was before. This was now. You had a splitting headache and you were surrounded by far too much testosterone. At the moment, you didn't care about appearances or being professional.

"I'm _not_ a receptionist."

The entire room was silent and you inwardly cringed at yourself, until the older man started laughing. "Well, I'll be damned. She _does_ talk to people other than you two idiots and Sandoval."

He apparently didn't care about your outburst, so you let it ride. "People, yes. Assholes, no."

He narrowed his eyes at you and you shuddered under his stare, "No assholes? That's a shame, really. Peña will be so disappointed when he finds out he can't come spend the night at your house again."

You'd been taking a sip of water and you choked on the liquid, eyes widening as you stared at him. He laughed loudly at your response and left the three of you alone. Your head was throbbing, now swimming with thoughts. Sure, you'd expected Javi to tell people. What you hadn't expected, was for him to tell everyone. You were mortified. You wanted to die. You wanted to go tell Pablo Escobar everything you'd done to help in the fight against him, just so he'd kill you.

Instead, your eyes watered in shame and you pushed yourself out of your seat, bolting for the other door. You bypassed the stunned agents and made your way out of the room. You walked past a coworker and pointed behind you.

"Nadie entra."

The man gave you a quick nod and went to stand by the door you'd just exited from. He'd probably noticed the tears streaming down your face but you didn't care. Your heels clicked against the floor as you walked quickly to the bathroom. Once inside, you locked the door and slid to the floor. Hopefully nobody needed to pee, because you were prepared to stay in that restroom until you died. Until you shriveled up and all they found were your bones.

_No_. You'd told Sandoval that you were a big girl and you could handle it. So, dammit, you were going to handle it. You pushed yourself up and walked slowly to the sink, taking deep breaths along the way. You stared at your reflection in the mirror, pulling a compact from the purse that you, thankfully, hadn't set down yet. Quickly fixing your makeup and applying some fresh lipstick, you took a deeper breath and emerged from the tile room.

You gave an apologetic look to a furious pregnant woman as you walked out but, the second she brushed past you, you sighed at the sight of who was waiting. "You okay?"

You ignored the way the sight of him made your lower body warm and pushed past him. "Just great."

Your pace was quick and he almost had to jog to keep up with you. "Look, I'm sorry about Stechner. He's an ass."

You whipped around and got in his space, whispering just loud enough for him to hear. "You don't even like him and you told him? What the fuck is wrong with you, Javier?"

An actual receptionist walked past the two of you, an amused smirk on her face as she dragged her gaze down Javi's attractive form. He noticed. He noticed and he actually had the audacity to look at her in front of you. He gave her a dimpled smile and you groaned.

"Nevermind. This is pointless."

His gaze snapped to you and he almost looked ashamed. "I'm so-"

"Sorry? You're sorry? Cool. Good. Yeah, that makes everything better, Javier. She's pretty, you know, you could do worse. In fact, you have done worse. _Me_. Plus, that one's _actually_ a receptionist. That CIA asshole will love that."

The words were bitter on your tongue and you turned back around, opting to ignore him as you made your way back to your desk. This time, Messina was there. She was giving the two of you a seriously pissed off look. You gave a silent thanks when you realized most of her attention was on her actual subordinate.

"Peña. Let's go. We don't have time for whatever _this_ is."

"Sorry, ma'am."

She entered first and he followed slowly, eyeing you as you sat and fiddled with a pen. You lifted your gaze and made eye contact with him, immediately turning your nose and pretending to busy yourself. You didn't want to see or talk to him anymore.

* * *

Their meeting had lasted about an hour and a half. You'd taken a lot of calls, mostly curious reporters that you loved saying 'no' to. One call had been the President's wife, asking to talk to him whenever he was available. Then, there had been a woman who had called for Sandoval. Her name was Paola and she'd sounded about the same age as you. Your curiosity piqued, you'd asked for a last name and a reachable phone number. It was all standard procedure, of course.

You _totally_ didn't take it and look her up through your connections. No, that would be unprofessional.

You'd gone home after work with a full rundown of her information. She was two years older than you and she had a son. A normal Colombian upbringing with two parents that worked hard. She worked at an upscale restaurant. She even sounded nice on the phone. 

She sounded perfect for him.

You stared down at the half empty bottle in front of you in contemplation. You needed to stop wallowing in self pity. You were better than this. Better than being jealous of a woman that your boss was possibly seeing. It was good for him. You weren't. Besides, he hadn't exactly been wrong before. You knew that now.

You knew that the real reason you were sitting in front of a half empty bottle of tequila, was because you had feelings for Javi.

Feelings you had tried so damn hard to push aside before that Christmas party.

You threw your head back, stretching out of your couch. Legs laid out in front of you, you stilled when you absentmindedly went to lift them. Like you had a lap to put them in. Like you had an attractive man sitting down at the other end, playing house and eating cookies with you. No such luck.

You barely had time to groan, when your phone was ringing again. You really wanted to throw that thing at the wall. You didn't, though. Neatly manicured fingers picked up the device and you put it to your ear.

"Hello?"

Your eyes widened at the sound of your stepmother's voice on the other end. She was frantic, crying loudly into the receiver. You could barely make out what she was saying, but you could make out the words 'accident' and 'hospital', so you put two and two together. Nearly dropping the phone, you cleared your dry throat and asked her to slow herself. To calm down. Easier said than done. She did so, though, and proved you right in your assumption.

Your father was in an accident and is at the hospital in Medellin.

You stayed calm, telling her you'd come right away and to call your sister. Even though she lived in the States, she deserved to at least be updated. Then, you hung up. You hung up and you let out a wail, falling to the floor and grasping at your long hair. Could this week get any worse? Your vision was blurry with tears and you knew you couldn't drive like that. Even if the hospital was in your city, you couldn't drive. So, you picked the phone back up and dialed.

Your friend Nadia first. She didn't answer.

Then, Eduardo. It took three rings but he answered.

"Hola-"

Your voice was rushed and you cut him off. "Eddy, I'm sorry I'm calling kind of late but it's important."

"Y/N? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

The tears kept streaming down, and you'd been about to tell him when you heard a woman's voice. It was a familiar voice. One you'd heard earlier that day.

"Is that Paola?" He was silent for a moment, so you continued. "I'm interrupting. Eddy, I'm sorry. Go back to your date, I'll figure it out."

"Y/N, you've been crying. What's wrong?"

You could tell him the truth. He'd help, you were certain of it. As per usual, though, you put him ahead of yourself. His happiness was worth your suffering.

"Don't worry about it. Tell her I said hi. I've gotta go."

"Y/N-"

_Click_. You hung up before you could change your mind.

You tried three more friends before you angrily threw your phone on the couch. One had apologized, she was on her break at work. The other two hadn't answered. You couldn't be mad at them, after all, it was getting late. Still, you needed to get to the hospital. So, you made a desperate decision. You dialed the only other number that you knew by heart. 

He picked up on the second ring. "Peña."

His voice sounded tired and you felt bad for interrupting his sleep. "Javi, it's me. I'm really sorry I'm calling this late but I didn't know who else to call and I-"

"Where are you?"

"I-I'm at home. It's just, I need to go to the hospital-"

"Are you okay? What the hell happened?"

"I'm fine. It's my dad. He was in an accident-"

Javi wasn't a patient man, and this time was no different. "I'm on my way. Be there in ten."

"Thank you, Javi."

He mumbled a response before hanging up. You scrambled to get ready, throwing on a pair of jeans and a white tee. Then, you threw your hair into a bun and slid on some sandals. You'd barely finished when there was a pounding on your door.

Ten minutes? More like seven. Had he been speeding the entire way?

You opened the door and were crushed into a warm embrace. He smelled like tobacco and...Javi. You breathed the scent in deeply before sobbing into him. He set his chin on your head and rubbed your back slowly. Then, he pulled you away slightly to look down at your teary eyes.

"Which hospital?"

"The big one. It's over-"

He laughed, "I know where the big hospital is, hermosa. Been there a couple times."

His attempt at humor helped a little, so you cracked a small smile. He ran a thumb across your cheek, wiping away a stray tear before it could trickle down. Then, he pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead and jerked his head.

"Come on. I left the car running."

You nodded in understanding and followed after him, his hand tightly clasping yours. It would have been a nice sensation if the moment hadn't been so terrible. You got into the passenger side and he closed the door behind you. Then, he hopped in, a newly lit cigarette between his lips. The drive was maybe twenty or thirty minutes, but Javi turned that into fifteen. You normally would have yelled at him for speeding but you couldn't bring yourself to do it this time.

He parked the car, jumping out and then rushing to your side to help you. "I'm not gonna break if I open my own door, Javi."

Your attempt at a joke fell on deaf ears as he shook his head. "Do you know which side of the hospital?"

You shook your head. You'd never seen him so serious. Something about it warmed you. Here you were trying to lighten up the mood but he knew that it was a heavy moment. He was taking it seriously for you. So that you didn't have to. He was taking the reigns so that you could avoid too much heartache.

He was being sweet.

He grabbed your hand, gently pulling you inside. He started the conversation with the woman at the front desk, giving her your last name. You found yourself surprised that he had remembered it and you smiled when he turned back to you. The smile must have caught him off guard and he furrowed his brow at you.

You shifted your gaze, "Sorry, I was distracted. What did she say? I wasn't paying attention."

"He broke his leg. A few cuts and bruises but nothing serious. Apparently, he fell while dancing on a table."

Your eyes widened, the tears diminishing instantly. "Are you fucking-"

"Y/N!"

You turned to find your teary eyed stepmother running toward you. You took a deep inhale, gritting your teeth as you took a step forward. You barely had time to get to her, when a hand was grasping your shoulder and stopping you. You were fuming and you turned to find Javi rubbing at his forehead beside you.

You felt like an idiot. You'd called the man that had fucked you and tossed you to the side, for this? For a broken leg? 

Your stepmom grasped you tightly, squeezing your heaving midsection. "Estaba tan preocupada."

"Why was my father dancing on a table?"

She stilled against you, pulling away slowly and smiling sheepishly, accent thick as she spoke. "Well, you know how your father gets. Too much tequila-"

"You fucking called me for a broken leg? Do you have any idea how scared I was? Do you have any idea how fast we drove here? The laws we probably just broke? For a drunken accident? Are you even-"

"We?" She shifted her gaze to the annoyed agent beside you and smiled brightly, "This must be the officer your father was-"

Javi's eyes widened and you yelled again, "Stop. Don't finish that sentence. Papa was exaggerating. Leave it alone."

A frown tugged at her lips as you responded bitterly. She could probably tell that he didn't want to be there with you. Hell, you could tell. Sighing heavily, you turned to him.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have called you. If you want, you can go home. Go back to sleep. I'll stay and-"

"Is that my favorite daughter?"

Your body stilled at the sound of a very tipsy man. He had terrible timing. Your father had chosen the worst possible time to be wheeled out of the back of the hospital. You tilted your head to peek behind your stepmom as she lit up. She squealed, shipping around to run to your injured father. You watched in horror as she kissed his face over and over, smearing lipstick on him. 

_Disgusting._

Then, she took over for the nurse and pushed him further toward you. "Is that my idiot father? What the _hell_ were you thinking?"

He let out a bellowing laugh, "It was tequila time! You should know, you smell like alcohol, too!"

Your eyes widened and you held a hand in front of your mouth, breathing out and crinkling your nose in disgust when you discovered he was right. "Whatever. At least I didn't fall off a table and break my fucking leg."

"Watch your language, niña."

"Bite me. Do you even need me here or can we go? I think she can wheel your dumb ass home."

"We?"

It was in that moment that you realized your driver was nowhere to be found. Not surprising. You'd told him he could go, so he probably took you up on that offer. He hadn't said he was leaving and that was what bothered you most. You didn't disguise your disappointment, sighing loudly.

"Nevermind. Can _I_ go?"

"Well, do you need a ride home? It's the least we can do since Carmela scared you."

You'd been about to respond when a familiar calloused hand stuck a cup of coffee in front of you. It was slightly milky, the perfect shade of tan for your taste. You turned to find Javi beside you once more, other hand holding a cup of his own.

"Figured you probably need this. Maybe some aspirin, too."

You graciously took the cup, moaning as the slightly bitter liquid cascaded over your tongue. "You're a saint, Javi. This is perfect."

"Two creams and half a sugar. Right?"

You mumbled an affirmative, turning your attention back to your family. "Will you guys be fine if we leave? No more drinking?"

"We'll be fine. Now I can drink and drive this wheelchair! I'm more worried about you. You look tired, mija."

You groaned. That was three times, now. Three times that someone had basically told you that you looked like shit. This time, again, it happened to be in front of the man that made you look this way. The source of all your current problems.

"You know why I look tired. You told me I smell like alcohol, Papa. I had a rough day at work, okay? Now, instead of sleeping, I'm here because you decided to fall off a table."

"You look like you haven't slept in two days."

That was...accurate.

Your father was completely correct in his assumption. You hadn't gotten much sleep since everything happened with Javi. Your bed was just constantly reminding you that he'd been there. Your couch wasn't comfortable enough to sleep on. So, you'd been choosing to do paperwork and drink at night instead of actually sleeping. It had clearly caught up to you.

"I told you, lots going on at work. I'll be fine. If you wanna bug one of your daughters about her life, feel free to pick the other one. She's the baby, you know. Ask her how the housing market is or something. I think her boyfriend golfs if you wanna talk game."

"I'd rather talk about your boyfriend, mija."

You stiffened, "Javi's not-"

Your father chuckled, "He knows your coffee order."

You grabbed the DEA agent's arm and gently tugged, "Alright, time to go. If you need anything, call me! Unless it's alcohol or about you dancing too hard again. Te amo. Adios."

You yanked Javi down the halls, chugging the coffee in your hands. You chucked the empty cup into a trash can, ignoring everything around you as you stormed toward the doors. At least, ignoring it until he tugged back to stop you. You let out a squeak as he pulled you back and pressed you against a wall. Your eyes were wide as he stared down at you.

"Javi? What are you doing?"

"Why'd you call me tonight?"

You blinked at him in confusion, "Because I thought my dad was having an actual emergency?"

Brown eyes bore into you and you shivered under the intense gaze. _"Why me?"_

You stayed silent, biting at your lip in contemplation. "What do you want me to say, Javi? I called a girlfriend and she didn't answer. Half my family is in the States. Eduardo was-"

"You called Sandoval first?"

He didn't sound happy in the slightest, eyes narrowed, and you shrugged. "He's my friend. He lives nearby. I figured it was a safe bet, but he was busy."

"Too busy for you?"

Another shrug. "He's a grown man, Javi. He's got a life outside of work. He was on a date, I think. Paola. She sounds sweet."

You made sure to add in the fact. You weren't sure why, not understanding your own thought process. You felt the need to tell him that Eduardo was basically taken and that you weren't interested in him anymore. At this point, you weren't sure you ever had been. Maybe he'd been right and you'd had feelings for Javier the entire time.

_No, not maybe. It was true._

He tilted your chin up with his index finger. "Bet she's not as pretty as you, hermosa." 

You let out a breath, "Oh, shut it. Let's get out of here so you can go back to bed, okay?"

"Not until you tell me why you called me."

You groaned in agitation, throwing the back of your head against the wall. "I don't know. When a couple people I'm close with didn't answer, you were who I thought of. I have your number memorized. Figured you'd be awake. I honestly wasn't sure if you'd help or not, but-"

He interrupted you by leaning forward and brushing his lips against yours. He tugged at your chin, opening your mouth for him and sliding his tongue between your parted lips. You let out a noise of surprise, but quickly responded. You'd missed him, you decided, so you eagerly kissed back. He tasted so good. Like the sweet nicotine you'd been craving since he left you on Christmas.

He pulled away slowly, pressing another sweet kiss to your forehead. "Next time you need something, you call me first. Got it?"

His hands trailed down your arms and landed on your waist, squeezing lightly at your curve. You peered up at him through your lashes. The way he was staring down at you was the same way he'd looked at you a couple days ago. Like he was searching for something. Like he was trying to understand you.

"Why?"

The question caught him off guard and he quirked a brow. "What do you mean, why?"

You wrapped your arms around his neck, toying with the collar of his teal shirt. "Why is it so important to you that I specifically call you? Why did you come as soon as I called? Why did you stick around even though my family is insane? Why do you remember my coffee order? Why are you being so sweet? I've got a million questions, Javi. Take your pick."

He stilled, "I told you before. I don't know."

You sighed heavily and pushed him away slightly. "Okay, then answer this one. Why'd you tell Stechner? You hate him."

"I didn't, hermosa. Promise. He's CIA. He keeps tabs on everything Steve and I fucking do. He's a psychopath." His eyes looked sincere and you found yourself surprised. "I didn't tell anyone. Besides Steve, who already knew."

"Nobody besides Steve?"

He shook his head, "Wouldn't do that to you. The guys give you enough of a hard time."

It was true. Anytime you had to bring documents or go with Sandoval to a meeting, the men of Search Bloc felt the need to catcall or tease you. You'd often ignored it. Sometimes it was unnerving, but sometimes it felt kind of nice in a weird way. 

Not as nice as having the attention of the man in front of you, though.

You took a deep breath and prepared yourself for potential let down. "I'm gonna ask you another question, Javi. One you probably won't answer. Why'd you freak out on Christmas?"

His body went rigid at your question and you took that as its own answer. He'd probably never say it to your face. He wasn't interested. He was here, being sweet and kissing you like you meant something, but he didn't want anything serious. He'd meant what he said on the phone to Murphy that day.

_This was a mistake._

_I know she's great but I'm just not into it, okay?_

_I don't know what I was thinking._

He wasn't going to answer, so you sighed and pulled away fully. Away from the previously sweet moment. Away from the intimacy. Away from the only man you knew that held any power over your emotions.

"You were right, you know. The other day."

He clenched his jaw as you moved, "About what?"

You began walking toward the exit, smiling sadly over your shoulder. "What you said to Steve on the phone. This was a mistake."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm convinced that Pedro Pascal likes playing the most difficult men on television...but I love him and them. Mega thank you to you guys for all your comments T_T I don't deserve your love. I update my other story every Tuesday, so I'm gonna keep that schedule here, too! I don't know how many chapters I'll do...I'm kinda just going with the flow. This is chapter three and I have at least three more already typed up. We'll see how it goes. I do already know how I'm gonna end it though........hehe.
> 
> See you guys next week!


	4. Missionary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves! I was in the mood for writing yesterday, soooooo this may or may not be the first of two chapters you get today. This chapter was already done but then I got inspo for the next chapter and now it feels necessary to give you guys a Christmas present with a double post. Well, a present if you even celebrate. If not, here's two more chapters anyway! Enjoy~

It had been a few weeks since the hospital thing and you hadn't seen much of Peña. He'd dropped you off right after the hospital, saying nothing as you left the car, thanking him. Sure, he'd been in a few times with Steve but you'd always immediately gone to make copies or send faxes. Now, you were seated at your desk, talking to Sandoval's newly official girlfriend. 

Paola had been waiting for him for about twenty minutes. He should have been out of the office by now, but the life of someone that worked for the President hardly had a perfectly set schedule. So, you kept her entertained. You'd been right before, she was sweet. She spoke nearly perfect English, too. That made life so much easier for you. Your Spanish was good, sure, but at this point English was always easier. Those years in the States had really pushed a lot of your Spanish to the back of your mind. It was hardly your first language anymore.

"-and then Eddy made this incredible pasta. Dios mío."

You laughed softly, "He's an incredible cook. Make him always cook for you. You'll gain ten pounds but you'll be the happiest woman alive, I swear."

She nodded in agreement. "I like the way you think. So, do you have any dates this week?"

_Oh, yeah._ You'd been going on dates recently. A lot of them. Now that Javi was out of your life, it was as if the entire male population was interested in you. They were hitting on you everywhere you went. Getting coffee in the morning? Here, have a phone number. Buying groceries after work? Another number. Hell, one had even stopped you outside work because he'd just come from a meeting. It was an odd but welcomed feeling. 

Well, it had been until you realized that most men were not _nearly_ as exciting as Javier Peña.

You shook your head, "No, not this week. I need time off from them. I think they're making me insane because I could've sworn I saw Murphy at the same place as one of them. Plus, the last three have been sweet but so boring. Stock broking. Accounting. Insurance. I'm sure they'd all only perform in missionary."

She let out a loud laugh and gently smacked your arm, "¡Ay, que sucia!"

You stretched as you stood up, laughing along with her. There were reports coming from the printer, most likely from Sandoval, and you walked over to retrieve them. Lots of standard documents that needed to be signed for the DEA and CIA. After all, they were working with the Colombian government to take down Escobar. It only made sense that there needed to be the appropriate documents for approval.

Eduardo walked out of his office, lighting up at the sight of Paola. She hopped off your desk, hugging him softly and pressing a kiss to his cheek. Then, she fixed the knot of his tie and turned to you.

"Can I steal him now?"

You laughed, "You do know he's technically _my_ boss, right? Not the other way around."

She shrugged, smiling at you. "You're his...como se dice...work wife! You're really in charge I think."

"Work wife? Yeah, I guess kind of." You turned to Sandoval, holding the stack of signed papers in your hand. "Am I faxing these over? Why'd you print them?"

He glanced at his watch awkwardly, "No. I'd take them myself, but we're late for our reservation. Their fax machine is broken. It's sort of on your way home, right?"

You knew exactly what he was implying.

You groaned, smacking the papers against your forehead. "Eddy, come on! Send one of the kids. I just finally got the image of his stupid mustache out of my head."

Paola looked intrigued, "Whose mustache? Is he handsome?"

Eddy shrugged, "If you like cabrón."

"Well I think maybe Y/N might. After all, stock brokers and accountants are too boring for her!"

You couldn't hold back a laugh at the joke, so you continued it. " _Missionary_ , Paola. Missionary for the rest of my life. It sounds miserable. At least Peña had the good sense to fuck me against a wall and a counter."

She put a hand on her chest in surprise. "Oh my. Wait. Peña? Isn't that the man who called you last night, mi amor?"

Your eyes snapped open at her question and you stared at your boss. He was grimacing, eyes anywhere but on you. He tugged at the recently tightened tie, ruining her work. Then, he glanced at the watch again.

"Look at that. We're really late. Thank you for taking-"

"Nope. Not getting off that easy. What the hell was Javi calling you for?"

"The documents. So, if you could take them-"

You interrupted him again, "Javi's not a paper pusher. He doesn't give a shit about paperwork. What did he call you about?"

Paola must have caught on by this point, so she fixed his tie again and pulled at his arm. "Sorry, Y/N, but we really must go. Have a good night!"

She dragged him to the door and your eye twitched. "Eddy, I swear if this is a trap I'm going to kill you!"

The door shut behind them and you groaned, tossing the stack of papers onto your desk. Maybe, if you stayed in the office long enough, he'd go home for the day and you wouldn't have to see him.

* * *

No such luck. You were impossibly screwed. In fact, instead of helping yourself by staying late at your own desk, you'd hurt yourself. It was nearly nine and now, the only people there in that area were Murphy, Trujillo, and Peña himself. 

You took a deep breath and walked through the doors, receiving three surprised gazes. "Don't mind me. Just running an errand for the boss. Apparently, dinner was more important than these forms."

Steve laughed, giving you a toothy grin. "Sandoval got a hot date?"

You nodded, pleasantly surprised by the relaxed topic. "He's had a hot date almost every night for the last two weeks. Never thought I'd see the day that a woman would put up with him and his ridiculous schedule. Then again, Connie's put up with you."

That one got a laugh from Trujillo, "Es la verdad."

Murphy groaned, "English, asshole."

You laughed in his face, dropping the files beside the blonde. "I'm getting you a Spanish dictionary. It'll be your late Christmas present."

"Connie's bought me like three. Shit doesn't stick."

"Start with the bad words. They'll stick. Trust me."

Blue eyes glanced at you in annoyance, "Yeah, I bet she'll love that."

"She's seen your pasty ass naked. I'm sure there's nothing she can't get past."

That one even got a laugh from Javi. Steve muttered something about 'being a gringo' and getting 'ganged up on' and you pat him on the shoulder. Then, you peeled back some of the papers to take out a paper clipped stack. 

You set them beside Trujillo, "These are for Search Bloc. Congratulations on getting a familiar face back."

It was the paperwork detailing Carrillo's upcoming arrival back in Colombia. Pinzón had resigned after the bombing and the President, along with Eduardo, had decided a change was necessary. Desperate times called for desperate measures and Carrillo was nothing if not productive in the war against Escobar. It was a rough decision, not backed by much support, but you agreed with their thought process. He'd get something done. If anyone could shake Pablo, it was him. 

He nodded, "Gracias, _hermosa_."

You watched as he gave Javi a smirk, clearly toying with him. Then, he grabbed his jacket and made a move to leave. You waved and Steve said bye. The other agent stayed silent. 

Shrugging it off, you pulled another thin stack of papers out for Steve. "These are for you. I'm assuming you asked him about something because I don't usually see papers like this for DEA."

He nodded, grabbing them and shoving them in his back pocket. "Connie was asking about these. Tell him thanks. I gotta run so I can call her before it gets late. You can give the rest to this asshole, he still owes me."

He didn't let you respond before he was waving and walking out the door to follow Trujillo. _Great_. Now, it was just you and the very man you'd tried to avoid. You glanced over at him to find him staring at you already, his lips in a firm line. He sighed, moving to grab a cigarette out of the box on his desk. All of a sudden, he stilled before his fingers touched the nicotine.

You knew exactly why.

"Figured it was a practical gift. You go through like a pack a day."

Tired, brown eyes locked with yours. "When did you even have time to get me anything?"

You took a seat on his desk, pushing the heels off your aching feet. "Christmas morning. You slept in later than me, so I went to Señora Rodriguez. She's my neighbor. Bought a pack off her because she smokes the same kind."

"The lighter?"

_Right_. You'd also given him a shiny, silver lighter. Again, you'd settled on practicality but you'd figured that the lighter could also be considered more personal. After all, you'd had it engraved. Nothing fancy, just his name. Well, the shortened version of it.

"She owns the little engraving shop down the street from this office. Took her a whole thirty seconds. It pays to know your neighbors."

He took the lighter out of his pocket, thumb rubbing against the engraving. "It's nice. Thanks."

You hummed, "You're welcome. Anyway, the rest of these papers are just-"

He lit a cigarette and took a long drag, staring you down. "I don't wanna talk about work, hermosa."

You tapped your neatly painted nails on the metal of his desk. "Hate to disappoint, but that's what I'm here for. Since your stupid fax machine is broken-"

"Ain't broken."

You blinked at him as he leaned back in his chair, "What?"

He folded his arms behind his head and nodded at you. "Getting Sandoval to lie to you was a bitch. Stubborn as an ass. I'll probably owe him for the rest of my damn life for that favor."

You were so confused. "Why the hell would you need him to lie to me?"

"So I could see you. Otherwise, you won't come near me."

"There's a reason for that, Javi."

"I'm a fucking idiot."

You pushed yourself off his desk, bending down to grab your heels. You'd only put one on when you felt a knuckle brush against your cheek. Hair falling in your face, you turned your head to find him staring at you again.

"What do you expect me to say, Javi? We're both idiots. It is what it is. I just-"

"I've never slept as good as I did the two nights before Christmas."

You stilled. You knew what he was implying. Still, you needed more than the confession of sleepless nights. You needed him to tell you what he even wanted out of this. You knew what you wanted now. After three miserable dates, you'd come to realize that good men were fine but they weren't Javi. There was something about him that you wanted, in any capacity.

Javi wasn't the kind of man that talked about his feelings, though.

So, you shrugged nonchalantly. "Pillow top mattress or something like that. Spent a fortune on it."

He groaned, "I'm not talking about the fucking mattress."

"Then tell me what you're actually trying to fucking say, Javier. Cut the crap. Be honest. Be honest like you were on the phone with Steve on Christmas."

"I wasn't honest then. Thought I was. He didn't believe me for a second. Said I wanted to be there with you, I just didn't know how. I didn't get what he meant but I think I do now."

You sighed, shaking your head. "It was a mistake, Javi. I should've taken you home-"

"You did."

You rolled your eyes, "Your home, not mine. I should've taken you to your house. I should've gone home and passed out. We could have avoided this whole mess."

"What if I don't want to avoid it? What if I like messes, hermosa? What if wanna wake up every fucking day next to your damn bed head and that sexy tattoo? What if I like that you make me coffee before I even open my eyes?"

His thumb brushed against your bottom lip and you stared at him. "Tell me what you want, Javier. Tell me what you want and I'll tell you what I want."

He leaned forward, capturing your mouth in his. The kiss was slow, intimate in a way. It wasn't like your kisses before. It wasn't rushed or messy, there was no tugging at lips or battling of tongues. It was just a soft, gentle kiss. One that made your heart stop.

He pulled away slowly, "You deserve better."

You raised a neatly done brow, "You're the second man to tell me that since everything."

"Sandoval?" You hummed an affirmative and he sighed. "Asshole."

"He called you the same thing."

Javi pulled away slowly and took another puff, "Yeah, I know. He called me that on the phone, too."

"He's not wrong. You're an asshole."

"Told you, hermosa. You deserve better."

"And?"

He raked a hand through messy brown waves and shrugged, locking eyes with you again. "And I should leave you alone. Let you find some nice stock broker-"

"Went on a date with one last week. Most boring man I've ever met." You lifted a leg to pull his chair closer with your foot, the wheels squeaking on the floor. "Tell me what you want, Javier. Not what I deserve. What you want."

He was chewing the inside of his cheek and you could tell he was thinking. You stayed like that for a while, bare foot in between his thighs as he pondered on your response. Finally, he took another drag and sighed heavily.

"You want the honest truth?" 

"Yeah."

You shrugged, attempting to pull your leg away until he gently grabbed your bare calf. He put the cigarette out in the ashtray beside him and sandwiched himself between your thighs. Then, he ran his hands up your legs until the fabric of your skirt bunched up just below your panties.

"I'm not a relationship kinda guy, hermosa. Too busy. Selfish. Not good at commitment. The last time I tried to commit to a woman, I left her at the altar."

"You're not answering my question, Javi."

"Simple answer? I don't know. I have no fucking idea what I want besides to be buried deep inside you. I'm not the guy that remembers your favorite food or what kind of music you like-"

You put a manicured hand over one of his, "How about the way I take my coffee? My favorite color? Where I go on vacation with my family every year?"

His eyes widened slightly as you stared him down. "Look-"

You shook your head, "No, listen. I'm not asking for the world, Javier. I've known you long enough to know that you're not going to meet my parents unless it's by accident. That you're never going to come on that family vacation. You probably don't want kids. A white picket fence doesn't suit you. You know what does?"

"What?"

"Sleepless nights. Whether it's because of Escobar or a woman. Jumping into action head first and thinking about it later. You're not a man of commitment, Javi, because if you were then you wouldn't be half the agent you are. Steve's great and all, but he's not you. You're a good man with good intentions, but you're willing to do bad things. Impulsive. You're the kind of man that fucks a woman even though she lied and said she wanted to fuck someone else."

"Lied?"

You nodded, leaning forward. "Remember how you told me that you thought you were telling Steve the truth on the phone but now you realize you weren't? That was me. When I went to that party in that incredible dress and told you that I went there to fuck Eddy. I don't want to sleep with him. Probably never did. The only man in Colombia that I want to fuck me is you."

"I made you cry, hermosa."

You made an impulsive decision, brought on partially by the heat of the moment and partially by his presence between your legs. It was probably going to end miserably. It would end with you sobbing into a tub of ice cream and watching bad television. It would end with you being reminded of just why you'd pushed aside those feelings for him. You'd be reminded that there was no winning in a game with Javi. Maybe that was the thrill of it. 

Maybe, you didn't care about winning.

You pushed him back, ignoring his grunt of confusion as you hopped off the desk to stand. You kicked off the shoe that you'd just put on and moved between his parted legs. Then, you straddled him and smirked when he groaned. Your skirt bunched up higher, arms wrapping loosely around his neck as you leaned forward. You pressed a firm kiss to his lips and then moved your mouth to hover beside his ear.

"Make me cry in a different way, Javi."

"This is a bad idea."

The erection pressed against you made you shrug. "Thought you said you were selfish."

He pulled his head away from you, hands absentmindedly trailing up your thighs and making you shiver. "I want to be. I'm trying really hard not to be. You're making this difficult."

"Not difficult. Messy. Just like you said you wanted it." He rolled his eyes and you smirked. "Favorite color is blue, yeah?"

An eyebrow raised, "What does that have to do-"

You smirked and kissed him again, tugging gently at his bottom lip as you pulled away. "Guess what color my panties are."

He groaned, fingers clenching at your thighs. "Hermosa, you're killing me."

"Dammit, Javi, just fuck me already. I never thought I'd have to sit here and convince you. We don't have to complicate this right now."

You narrowed your eyes at him and watched as his resolve wore. He made eye contact with you, fingers rubbing small circles on your bare skin as he slowly pushed your skirt up higher. He gave you a quick nod and you grinned, small fingers popping the buttons to your top and exposing a nice shade of teal lace. He sucked in a breath and moved his hands, putting them at your waist and tugging off your shirt. Then, he pressed a few kisses to the swell of your breasts, thumbs rubbing your hardened nipples through the sheer fabric. You rolled your hips slightly, whimpering when his clothed erection brushed over your barely clothed clit. 

"Hermosa-"

"Javi-"

"Christ, you two can't even keep it in your pants until you get home?"

You screeched at the sound of Steve's voice, burying your face into the crook of Javi's neck and laughing. "Fucking hell, Steve. Get out of here already."

You could feel the tension in his voice and you were mortified. Mortified, but very horny. The latter was stronger. A hand toyed with the hair at the nape of his neck and you felt him shiver. You should have put your top back on and saved some dignity. You should have pushed off of the mustached agent and grabbed your things to leave.

You definitely should not have trailed your tongue along the junction of his neck and shoulder. Javi's grip on your waist tightened in response, the other hand reaching behind him to grab something. Not a second later, you were covered with his jacket.

Steve laughed behind you, "Some poor cop is gonna pass out if he finds you two fucking in here."

Covered by his jacket, you trailed a hand down Javi's chest and down to his crotch, shifting your lower body so you weren't in your own way. Then, you ran the tip of your finger over the bulge, smirking when he cleared his throat. You unbuckled his belt, his hand pulling away from your waist to stop you.

You leaned your head up slightly to whisper, "You interrupt me, Javier, and you'll be using your hand tonight."

"You giving him a pep talk over there, Y/N?"

You didn't need to look at the blonde to know that he was rummaging through his desk for something. "Yeah, I'm gearing him up to help me kill you. Will you find whatever the fuck you came back for and go?"

"Not into an audience?"

You snorted, "Maybe your wife. Definitely not you, Murphy."

"Ouch. That hurts."

"Not as much as my foot going up your ass if you don't-"

"Alright, alright. I'm going. You two really gonna fuck in here?"

"Gonna fuck on your desk if you don't-"

"Okay!"

You could feel Javi laughing and you continued, unbuttoning his jeans and letting out a hum of approval when you immediately made contact with his cock. Precum leaked from the tip and you swirled your thumb across the head, shifting slightly as he took a deep breath through his nose. Steve hadn't quite left yet, but you were far too impatient to care.

Your voice was low as you continued to touch him, "Think I could get another taste of what you offered me on Christmas, Javi?"

He groaned in response, "Murphy, get the fuck out of here. Now."

You heard the blonde laugh, "Fucking animals. Don't touch my damn desk!"

The door closed behind you and you yelped when you were immediately lifted off Javi's lap. He set you down on the desk and glared at you, pulling himself forward and yanking your skirt all the way up to your hips. Then, you felt his fingers slide beneath the sides of your thong.

"Fuck, you call these panties? Doesn't cover shit."

You giggled, wiggling your hips as he slowly pulled the fabric down. "Is that a complaint? I can wear ugly underwear next time."

"Next time?"

He dropped the material and it caught on one of your ankles. You shifted nervously now. "I mean, if you want-"

He stood up, pushing your upper body down to lay you back on the metal. His jacket slid off your shoulders, the leather now draped over the desk. He was still hard, erection standing firm between your legs. He rested a calloused hand on your waist, pulling your ass to the edge of the metal desk. Then, he ran a thumb over your clit, making you moan as he rubbed the delicate bundle of nerves. Your eyes slid shut, head falling against the metal as you felt him line himself up. 

"I want this pretty pussy wrapped around me every fucking second, hermosa. Wanna be buried so deep inside you that you feel me even when I'm not there."

His first thrust was the only gentle one. There was no need for foreplay. You'd been wet as soon as you saw him. So, the second he made his way inside of you, he began a familiar, brutal pace. The chair behind him fell, the only sound in the room beside squelching and the squeaking of the desk. You gasped, moaning loudly as he fucked you. He was perfect, like he was made just to fuck you. Like he was made to be inside of you.

You angled your hips and let out a loud noise as he brushed against your walls. "Fuck, Javi."

The hand on your waist moved upward, pushing your bra down so that your breasts could bounce freely. "You have perfect tits. You know that?"

You let out a whine, rolling your hips in sync with his. His hand grasped onto one of your boobs, firmly tugging at the nipple and making you moan again. He was rough. Rougher than anyone else you'd ever been with. You'd never liked it rough before Javi.

You didn't like a lot of things about sex before Javi.

In between gasps and moans, you whined again. "More. Please."

He growled, pulling out of you and making you cry out. "Bend over the desk, hermosa. Wanna take you from behind again."

You didn't argue, nodding and pushing yourself up. Before you could turn around, though, he wrapped a hand around the back of your head and pulled you forward for a messy kiss. Mostly tongue. You moaned into his mouth and he slapped your ass to get you to move. 

You pulled away and lowered your gaze to his cock, biting your lip and dropping to your knees. He made a sound like he was going to protest, until you wrapped your mouth around him. You kept your hands on his thighs, hollowing your cheeks as you sucked him off. You moaned around him, causing him to let out a cuss as you bobbed your head. He was sweaty, cock sticky with a mixture of fluids. Tasting yourself on him was an indescribable experience and just thinking about it made you moan again.

"As much as I love filling your mouth, hermosa, I'm gonna have to stop you." His hand tugged at your long locks, pulling you away with a trickle of saliva dripping down your chin. "Fuck, you look incredible like that. I could cum right now, but I don't wanna. So bend that perky ass over this desk."

You looked up at him, nodding. "Yes, sir."

He groaned and you followed his instructions, leaning forward and arching your back. He wasted no time, burying himself inside you once more. A heavy hand smacked your ass and you cried out. Then, he trailed his fingers up your spine to trace around that tattoo between your shoulder blades. 

He was close. You could tell.

"Fuck, you feel so good. I'm gonna cum." You nodded against the desk and he snapped his hips again. "Where do you want it, hermosa?"

Your pussy was throbbing and you moaned, "Inside. Javi. Please. I wanna feel your fucking cum inside of me-"

"Fuck!" 

You talking must have pushed him over the edge and he came loudly, pushing into you a few more times before stilling. You could feel the familiar warmth of him spilling into you and you struggled to catch your breath. He was gentle with you, brushing your long hair off the back of your neck and running his fingers down the curve of your back. Then, he surprised you and leaned forward over you, pressing gentle kisses down your spine.

The intimacy of the action made you gasp, "Javi."

He mumbled against your back, "Fucking beautiful."

You were about to respond when your stomach growled, causing him to laugh against your skin. He slowly pulled away, leaving you feeling oddly empty, and he pulled your skirt down. You pushed yourself up, adjusting your bra and turning around to face him, cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

"Sorry. I haven't eaten since lunch."

He smirked, brushing your hair out of your face and tucking himself back into his jeans. "Maybe we get some food and then I can be dessert, hermosa. I didn't get nearly enough time between those pretty lips."

That sounded like heaven. You hadn't finished when he had, so another round or two sounded absolutely divine. You knew he'd get you there, given the chance.

You bit your lip, nodding as you locked eyes with him. "Tacos? At that little shop around the corner from your place?"

He groaned, stepping closer and pressing his lips to yours. "You're a mind reader. Thought you were gonna ask for some fucking five star bullshit."

You snorted, "You think I wanna go get fancy wine and a steak that's way too small? Please. If I wanted small meat I would've slept with Steve."

He laughed loudly. "You're incredible."

He grabbed your shirt off the floor, handing the blouse to you so you could get dressed. You buttoned it quickly, nimble fingers used to the buttons, and then bent down to pull your panties up. Staring at the teal lace, you stepped fully out of them and then tucked them in the front pocket of his jeans.

"You can keep these for now."

He groaned again, "You're killing me. You're gonna walk around with my fucking cum inside you and no panties on?"

You worked on slipping your pumps on, "Yep. Your car or mine?"

"Yours. Steve picked me up today."

You raised a brow, "What if I had left you here?"

"I would've had to make a really fucking embarrassing phone call. Steve would've called me a dumbass. I would've gone home to drink alone again."

The honesty in his voice shook you and, as you shoved your foot into your second shoe, you peered up at him through your lashes. "Again?"

His clothes were fully straightened out and he was seated in his chair, having picked it up off the floor. "Steve told me you've been going on dates. Not just a stock broker, huh?"

You stilled, keeping an eye on his expression. It gave almost nothing away. He was far too good at keeping a straight face. Tools of the trade, you supposed. Either way, the only thing you could make out was the tension in his jaw. Javi had always had dead giveaways to being pissed, no matter how good he was at hiding everything else.

You sighed, "I knew I saw his gringo ass at that restaurant."

"Said the guy was good looking."

He was avoiding your gaze and you gave another heavier sigh. "What do you want me to say, Javi? That he was ugly? He wasn't. He was terrible company, though. Asked to split the bill when I know for a fact he makes twice what I do. That _was_ the stock broker, by the way. All he talked about were investments."

The muscle in his jaw twitched and a small smile crept onto his lips. "I hope you didn't sleep with him, hermosa. It would've been the most disappointing twenty seconds of your life."

"Please, I have standards. Why fuck in missionary on a king-sized bed when I can get bent over a cheap desk?"

Your attempt at a joke wasn't appreciated and he swallowed thickly. "We could, you know."

You grabbed his discarded jacket and pulled it over your shoulders. "We could do what? Missionary?"

Broad shoulders shrugged and he lit another smoke. "Fuck in a bed. If you want."

"That an invitation, Javi?"

The leather was cold on your skin and you shivered as you took a cautious step forward. He was uncomfortable. Completely out of his element. The sight made you smile softly and you grabbed the cigarette from his hands before he could take another puff. He looked at you and you leaned up to capture his lips in yours. You set the smoke down in the ashtray, leaving it burning, and wrapped your arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. Strong hands rested on your waist and you moaned, allowing his tongue to enter your mouth. You stayed like that for a while, tongues battling as you explored each other's mouths.

He pulled away first, "Come over tonight, hermosa. Let's go get tamales and then you can come to my place."

You smiled up at him, pressing another quick kiss to his plush lips. "As long as you promise not to fuck me like a stock broker."

"I wouldn't fucking dare."


	5. Coffee Creamer.

Javi woke up to a cold bed, naked and alone, not out of the norm for him. What was out of the norm? The smell of fresh coffee wafting into his bedroom. He groaned, both a response to stretching and the delicious aroma. He glanced at the clock beside him and sighed.

**6:47 a.m.**

He still had over an hour before he needed to get ready. Part of him was tempted to stay in the bed and wrap the covers around himself to pass back out. The other part of him desperately needed that sweet caffeine. The latter part won out. He pushed himself out of bed, shuffling over to the closet and pulling out a pair of sweats. Colombia was usually warm enough to roam around the house in the nude but that cold, empty bed had made a chill form in him. 

He found himself not liking sleeping alone anymore.

He made his way into the kitchen and the sight made him stop instantly. You were standing beside the coffee pot, making quite possibly the saddest attempt to reach something high in his cupboard. You were on your tippy toes, cussing to yourself as your fingertips brushed the sugar that he kept on the top shelf. He wanted to laugh at the sight but he couldn't. He couldn't laugh because he was too focused on what you were wearing. Your hair was in a messy pony and you were clad in the same skimpy underwear you'd handed to him the night before and one of his button downs.

You looked absolutely incredible and he didn't know why. 

"Are you planning on helping a girl out, Javier, or did you want to stare a little longer?"

He broke from the trance to find you narrowing your eyes at him, an annoyed look on your face. You'd given up on reaching the sugar and he laughed quietly. Nodding at you, he took a couple steps and crowded you into the nook of the counter as he pulled the sugar down for you. Then, after he set it down, he tilted your chin up to give you a soft kiss on the lips.

You squeaked in surprise but quickly responded, face flushed when he pulled away. "What was that for?"

He genuinely didn't know, so he shrugged and made something up. "For making coffee before I woke up again. You're a fucking angel."

You laughed and the sound made him smile. "It's just coffee, Javi. You would have made your own without me."

"No, I would've grabbed the cheap crap at the base. Then complained to Steve that it tastes like shit because the guys don't know how to make a decent cup of coffee."

"Colombians that don't know how to make coffee? Arrest them, please. That's a crime." He laughed and you squeezed yourself past him, opening the correct drawer to grab a spoon. "Do you have any milk, Javi?"

"I can put some cream in that coffee. If you really want."

You made a sound of disgust and turned around, poking his chest with the spoon. "That's fucking gross."

He stared at the utensil and then back at you in curiosity. "You knew where the spoons were?"

You glanced down at the silver and then back up at the stunned man. "Honestly? I just guessed. Next to the sink is where most people put their silverware, right?"

"Guess so."

You shrugged, shirt falling slightly down your shoulder. He kept staring at you and it made you shiver. You weren't cold, but his gaze made your nipples pebble beneath the thin fabric. You were certain he could see them. You opened your mouth to apologize for stealing his clothes, when he took another step toward you and grabbed your waist. He crashed his lips onto yours and the spoon fell, clattering on the floor. Both of you ignored it and you trailed your hands up to tangle in his messy hair. You tugged at his bottom lip with your teeth and he groaned. You took it as a chance to slip your tongue between his lips and he instinctively gripped you tighter. He pressed his body against yours, causing you to hum against his mouth. The phone started ringing and you went to pull away, only to have Javi pull you back into him.

"Ignore it."

The demand made your core throb and, before you could say anything, his mouth was on yours again. The noise dulled, existing only in the background as he explored your curves with his hand. He'd felt you before but it felt different this time. Just like the kiss the night before had felt sweet and thoughtful, his touch as he kissed you now felt like he was trying to memorize you. Like he didn't want to let you go. 

And he didn't.

Mouth pulling away from yours, he trailed his lips down your neck and sucked lightly on an already existing mark. It was from the night before and you probably didn't even know it was there. The slightest speckling of purple, surrounded by a light red that was, no doubt, going to become far darker as he sucked on it again. You'd be pissed about it later, he was sure. He didn't care. He wanted to leave a mark on you.

Javi didn't know why but he wanted everyone to know, when they saw you, that you'd slept with him. _Only him._

You moaned loudly as he swept his tongue across the darker mark, fingertips raking lightly over his scalp as you tugged on his hair. "Javi."

"Tell me what you need, hermosa."

"Cream for my coffee."

He stilled against you, blinking and pulling away. "You're shitting me. That's still what you're thinking about?"

You bit your lip in embarrassment and mumbled something he couldn't hear. Your face was red, the blush trailing downward toward that pretty mark he'd left behind. You turned your head and avoided his gaze.

"What did you say?"

Your eyes shifted to meet the confused brown and you sighed. "I was trying to make a joke, Javi. You offered to put cream in my coffee, so I made a dumb joke."

_Oh_. 

He was an idiot. He'd thought you were genuinely asking for creamer. He hadn't thought of the possibility of a sex joke. Did that mean-

"So, you wanna have sex, hermosa?"

You groaned, slapping a hand over your face. "Well, now I kind of feel like I killed the mood. So, no? Yes, but no? I don't know."

He opened his mouth to respond and was interrupted by the phone ringing again. You were secretly grateful to whoever was calling. They'd saved you from your discomfort.

"Fucking assholes. Who the hell is calling before I usually wake up?" He pointed a finger at you. "You stay here. I'm telling them to fuck off and then I'm gonna put some cream in your coffee. Got it?"

You laughed, snorting at his use of your joke. Nodding in approval, you watched as he reluctantly headed for the phone. You knew he didn't sleep with underwear on, or ever really wear it in general, so you found yourself with a nice view of his erection beneath his pants. The sight of Javier Peña in sweatpants was a crime. You were absolutely positive that it was a crime for someone to look that good. 

After all, he probably thought you looked like a mess. _Right?_

His back was to you as he picked up the call. You weren't really eavesdropping, only catching a few sentences as you raked your gaze over his form. He had a few freckles on the back of his shoulders and you memorized them as he stood. A little further down, you could see the faint lines of scratches that you'd left. The thought made you feel powerful. Like you had placed a small claim on the man when you'd let him inside you. 

Like the two of you were in somewhat of a normal relationship, even though you knew full well that there was nothing normal about it.

"-busy right now, Steve. No. Fuck off, asshole. I said I'm busy right now. Can't Messina wait another hour? Come on. Tell her I didn't answer or something. Make some shit up."

The desperation in his voice made you snicker, receiving a glare from the disgruntled agent. He was trying so hard to gain a little bit more time, just to have sex with you. You liked the feeling it gave you, so you decided to torture him a bit more. He rubbed his face with his hand and you took the distraction as an opportunity to slowly unbutton the shirt you'd stolen. The sound of buttons popping got him to look at you again and his eyes went wide.

He pulled the phone away from his ear and covered the receiver. "Don't you fucking dare."

You gave him a fake look of confusion as you popped the fourth button, exposing your breasts. "Sorry, did you say something?"

Steve was yelling through the phone now and Javi cussed, putting his ear back on. "Yeah, I heard you. Seven thirty? Are you fucking with me? It takes me ten fucking minutes just to get there. Tell her eight. I don't fucking care what you have to do. I'm not coming in until eight."

You popped the last button and you could see his chest heaving as he stared at your half naked form. You smirked and dropped the shirt, catching it in a hand and tossing it at him. He caught it and gave you a wild look, shaking his head. You giggled, hooking your fingers in the sides of your thong and snapping the fabric against your hips. His adam's apple bobbed and you bit your lip, your eyes trailing down to catch the sight of a straining bulge in his pants. The sight of it made you shiver. You wanted him so badly now. The anticipation had built up far too much. Your pussy was throbbing as you stared at his clothed cock.

"Eight. Figure it out. I gotta go."

He clicked the button on the phone and chucked it into the couch, darting toward you and tossing you over his shoulder. "I'm gonna fuck your brains out. Fucking getting naked while I'm on the phone with my partner. Mala."

You squealed, giggling loudly until he landed a hard smack on your ass, causing you to moan loudly. "Javi-"

He tossed you onto the couch and yanked your panties down, exposing your wet core to him. He wasted no time. Your face was toward the cushions of the couch and he pulled your ass into the air, immediately shoving his face in between your thighs. You moaned again when his tongue made contact with your needy pussy. He groaned in response, lapping at your folds and squeezing the soft flesh of your thighs. 

Hands fisting the cushions, you bucked your hips in response. "Fuck, Javi. That feels so good."

He flicked his tongue on your clit, receiving another cry as he trailed it further back. He dipped into your core and then flattened his tongue as he made his way to the back. Then, he dipped the tip into your ass, causing you to let out a throaty moan. You could feel him smirk against you and he smacked your ass one more time, making you push your ass higher into the air as he ate you out.

He pulled away for a second, running a finger down onto your back entrance. "One of these days I'm gonna have to fuck you back here, hermosa. You ever had it up the ass?"

Your breaths were short and you shook your head, mumbling against the couch. "No. Never."

"Would you let me?"

_That was a stupid question._

You nodded. "Yeah. Anything, Javi. Anything you fucking want."

He groaned, spreading your ass with his hands and palming the globes, squeezing until you were fully exposed to him. "Fuck. Wish I could do it now but I don't have enough time to get you ready."

He moved behind you and you felt the tip of his cock nudge at your wetter entrance. "Javi. Please."

He groaned again, pushing slowly into your pussy and gripping your ass tighter. He started a slower rhythm than usual, slowly pulling all the way out and equally as slowly pushing back in. The feeling was bliss and he had your toes curling from the beginning. You cried into the fabric of the couch and he tugged at your ponytail, gently pulling your head back. You gasped, both in surprise and pleasure, and he began pounding into you. Your hands gripped the arm of the couch and you cried out as he thrusted.

"I wanna hear you. Fuck, I want the neighbors to hear you, hermosa. Want them to know how good I fuck you. How much you like it."

You moaned loudly and your fingertips clenched at the furniture. "So good. Javi, you're so fucking good. Oh my-"

You let out a throaty moan as he pulled your ass into him, snapping his hips against yours and pushing in at a new angle. He had your eyes rolling back, breath coming out in short pants. One hand still gripping your hip, his palm came down hard on your ass again. Your entire body shook from the impact and you could hear the squelching of your bodies connecting. He was rougher with you this time and you couldn't help but enjoy it. 

You liked everything Javi did when he fucked you senseless.

Your nipples brushed against the couch and his thrusts got sloppier. "Fuck. You're so tight. Told you this pussy was made for me. You want that cream now, hermosa?"

You laughed and it turned into a desperate moan as you pushed back against him. "Please."

"You gonna let me fill this pretty pussy again?" You nodded frantically and Javi reached under you, fingertips brushing against your sensitive clit. "Good girl."

He rubbed at you and you dropped your head against the arm of the couch, knuckles turning white as he touched you. "I'm so close. Please. Don't stop. Javi. Please."

He groaned and pressed more firmly on the sensitive bundle of nerves. "Fuck. I love it when you beg. You wanna cum for me?"

Lips parted, your cries got more high pitched as he fucked you. He pulled the hand off your waist and he held his fingers in front of your mouth. You turned your head slightly in surprise.

"Lick. I wanna try something."

The demand made you clench around him and he cussed loudly. You obliged, taking his index and middle finger into your mouth and swirling your tongue around the digits. Then, you sucked gently until he pulled them away. Curiosity piqued, you opened your mouth to ask about it until you felt one of the moistened fingers brush against your asshole. You whimpered and he rubbed gently at the hole.

"This okay?"

The cautionary tone in his voice made your heart throb and you nodded. "Yes. I trust you."

"You're fucking incredible."

He pushed slightly and you gasped. His other hand was still working your clit toward climax and he had slowed his thrusts slightly to focus on your other hole. He was gentle about it. He only used the one finger and he pushed past the sphincter. The foreign feeling of both holes being used made you moan loudly and you instinctively pushed back against him, causing him to move deeper.

You gasped in surprise. "Fuck."

"Is it too much? I can stop-"

"Don't you fucking dare. That feels-"

You threw your head back with a cry and interrupted yourself, legs shaking as you reached your peak. Everything felt incredible. He kept the finger inside you, wiggling it and moving it gently as he sped up the movement of his hips. Your vision was spotty as he pounded into you and you couldn't stop it. He couldn't either. 

"Fuck, I'm gonna cum. Inside?"

You responded instantly. "Yes."

He groaned, pace faltering as his cum poured into you. He pressed more firmly against your clit in messy circles, finally pushing you over the edge. You came loudly, dropping your head back down and screaming into the cushions. Your entire body trembled, glistening with sweat in the dim lighting of his living room. Your breath came out in short pants as the two of you stilled, his hand coming off your sensitive bud. He ran the shaky hand over waist and down to your hips, using it as leverage to slowly pull out of you. You whimpered at the loss, only to moan again when he pushed his finger further into your ass. 

He was seated behind you, watching your pussy quiver. "You look _so_ good."

Javi wasn't lying. At least, not in his own opinion. Brown eyes watched as a mixture of fluids dripped slightly out of your pussy, your ass still high in the air as he kept a finger in your back entrance. The agent couldn't remember a time he'd been so satisfied after sex. So entranced by a woman's body after he'd emptied himself into her. He pulled his finger slowly out of you, watching as your hole gaped. 

_That was hot._ The sight itself could have almost made him cum again.

You collapsed onto the cushions, sighing contently when he brushed a hand along your lower back. He kneaded at the sore muscles, pressing his thumb firmly into your aches. Then, higher until he got to your shoulders. He dipped into the nook of your neck and rubbed at the soreness there, too. 

You moaned. "Does every woman get this treatment after? That feels incredible."

Behind you, Javi's jaw clenched and he stared blankly at your tattooed back. He wasn't angry at you. No. He didn't know what he was feeling. Something stirred inside him, though, and he found himself frustrated. Jealous for you, in a way. Here you were, basking in the aftermath of incredible sex, and you were thinking about the other women he'd slept with. There'd been far too many, if he were honest with himself. Too many women that didn't even come close to you.

It made him impulsively respond. "I've never touched any woman the way I touch you."

His words made your eyes snap open and you found yourself shocked. His response had made you feel far too much. It made you think that this meant more to him than a fling. Giving you hope that this had the potential to be something more. You didn't want to get your hopes up like that. He'd just told you the night before that he didn't do relationships. 

The thing was, the words that Javi spoke and the actions that followed never quite made sense together.

You wanted to say something about it, but found yourself interrupted by a loud cuss behind you. "Fuck! How the hell am I already almost late?"

The couch moved as he jumped off, pulling his hands away from you. "Javi-"

"I'm sorry, hermosa. I gotta get ready. Fucking Messina and her bullshit meetings."

You shouldn't have been surprised. You knew he'd been on a time crunch. Still, as he darted toward the shower, you found yourself extremely let down. Your heart constricted in your chest and you sighed as he closed the door to the bathroom. It reminded you of who you were with. Javier Peña was a DEA agent. A busy man. You couldn't fault him for it.

The only thing you could do is prepare yourself to be let down every time. Work was a priority. You wouldn't get in the way of that. He was fighting an uphill battle against Pablo Escobar. He was doing something far more important than spending five more minutes on a couch with you. You couldn't compete. You wouldn't.

Eyes squeezed shut, you took a deep breath and pushed yourself off the couch. You grabbed your soiled panties off the floor and quickly went into his bedroom to grab the rest of your clothes. You buttoned your wrinkled blouse, hating how the fabric felt after wearing his shirt most of the morning, and you grabbed your things. 

Keys. Wallet. Purse. 

You sighed and put on your heels, ignoring the ache in your feet. Then, you glanced at the sugar on the counter. You could've put the coffee away. You could've dumped it down the drain and rinsed the mugs out. You didn't. 

Instead, you stalked to the door and turned back just as the shower turned off. You chewed the inside of your cheek and walked out, closing the door quietly and walking to your car to leave. You had to get to work soon, too. If you drove fast, you could go home and shower and still be on time.

* * *

Javi rubbed the towel through his damp hair and nearly ran out of the bathroom. He pulled on a pair of jeans, sliding his belt through the loops and buckling in record time. He glanced at the clock and let out a breath. He still had thirteen minutes until he had to be there. If he drove quickly, he could spend five more minutes here with you. He grabbed a salmon colored shirt, buttoning the front quickly and tucking the bottom of the short sleeve into his jeans. Then, he stumbled out of the bedroom.

He stumbled straight into an empty home.

He'd previously been in a really good mood. Frustrated by the short amount of time he had, but content in every other way. He'd woken up to a beautiful woman making him coffee. He'd gotten to kiss her for an unreasonable amount of time. He'd had incredible sex after. Every part about his morning, save for the annoyance of Steve's phone call in between, had been perfect. Until he got to this point.

He hadn't noticed the absence of your clothes in the room when he'd gotten dressed. You must have rushed out. He hadn't taken long in the shower. Four to six minutes tops. You'd had barely five minutes to put your clothes back on and bolt out the door. He laughed in disbelief as he looked over at the kitchen counter. The two mugs were still there, divided by that bag of sugar you'd tried so hard to reach. You hadn't touched yours at all. Part of him didn't want to drink his either, out of spite. 

He did it anyway. He grabbed the mug and took a large gulp, nose crinkling in disgust. It was more bitter than usual, bordering on disgusting. 

Then again, maybe it was just his attitude that was bitter.

He dumped both cups down the drain and grabbed his badge off the counter. He yanked his jacket off a chair and walked out the door. He didn't make it far before being yelled at by an annoying blonde.

"Hey, man, I'm here to pick up this guy. Think his name is, uh," Steve glance down at the dictionary in his hand, "Cabrón. You know him?"

Javi narrowed his eyes and made his way to the passenger side. "Fuck off, asshole. It's not like she gave us warning about the meeting. I was busy."

Steve gagged beside him. "Yeah, I know. _'You ever had it up the ass?'_ . Dude, fucking make sure you hang up the damn phone before you start."

Brown eyes widened and he glared at his partner. "Why the fuck were you still on the phone? Fucking piece of shit."

"Yeah, because I wanted to hear the soothing sounds of you going down on Sandoval's assistant. I'm never gonna get that shit out of my brain. It was worse than seeing her grinding on you last night. I'm traumatized. If Escobar needs any new torture tactics, I think I found one."

"I hate you."

"I hung up right after the ass thing. Of course you'd fucking like that shit."

"You should've hung up sooner, asshole."

Steve kept his eyes on the road and shook his head. "How are you making it my fault that you dropped the phone and didn't hang up? I was still fucking talking!"

Javi jabbed a finger at the other agent. "She _never_ finds out about this."

The blonde gave him a look of disbelief. "Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna tell her. _'Hey, Y/N, how's your day? You get your brains fucked out by my partner? Did you try anal this time? Yeah? Good!'_ Fucking hell, Javi. I'm not suicidal. She'd kill me."

He laughed in response. "Yeah, she would. Almost stabbed me with a spoon earlier."

"A spoon? I knew she had to be crazy when she started fucking around with you. Speaking of Y/N. Where was she? I didn't see her car."

Javi clenched his jaw and shrugged, looking out the window. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and put one between his lips, lighting it quickly and taking a long drag. 

Steve took his silence as an answer and actually had the audacity to laugh. "I'll be damned. She left you before you could leave her. Good for her."

His head whipped and Javi narrowed his eyes. "The fuck did you just say?"

"I said good for her. Don't take it personally, Javi. I just know you well enough to know that you probably always leave her first. Christmas ring a bell? You freaked out."

He wasn't wrong. He wasn't wrong and Javi hated that.

The older agent sighed, taking another puff. "Yeah, I know. I'm an asshole. She deserves better."

"Damn right she does. She likes you, though. I'm starting to get the feeling that you like her, too. More than you want to. Look at you, getting all pissy 'cause she bolted out of your house before saying bye. You probably usually kick them out yourself."

"I don't even let them sleep over."

Blue orbs eyed him curiously and Steve laughed again. "Fuck, she's got you by the balls and she doesn't even know it."

Thankfully, he didn't have to respond before they pulled up to base. It was 8:04. Messina would no doubt be in a mood. Sighing heavily, Javi got out of the car after it was parked and pushed his aviators up into his damp hair. Sure as shit, Messina was already standing outside. Her arms were folded and she was staring both DEA agents down.

"You're late. We pushed this back and you're still late."

Steve went to say something, probably about to make up a lie, and Javi stopped him. "Sorry, ma'am. It was my fault."

She nodded. "I know. We have a meeting at the President's office in an hour."

"The President's office?"

Messina eyed him carefully and nodded. "I'm sure you remember the one. After all, you definitely remember Sandoval's assistant."

Steve laughed loudly beside him and Javi turned to glare. "Fuck off, asshole."

"She got you."

"I don't care what you're doing with her, as long as it doesn't interfere with your work. Besides, I'm sure the Ambassador will appreciate us not using prostitutes as informants anymore."

Javi glared at his boss as she smirked at him. He was certain he'd pissed off a higher power. If he believed in one anymore, he'd pray for a break. No such luck, though. 

* * *

Your boss was staring at you like you'd grown a second head. You tugged at the collar of your shirt, clearing your throat in discomfort. He'd been talking to you about Paola, asking for your advice on a birthday gift, when he'd suddenly stopped talking. You knew why. You knew exactly what he was staring at. 

"Eddy, please stop staring at it. I know-"

"He had to give you a hickey in the most noticeable area? Cabrón."

You groaned. "Is it really that bad? I tried to cover it."

Light eyes stared blankly at you and you frowned. "It's the size of a golf ball, Y/N. The only thing that's going to cover that is a scarf."

"What am I going to do? The meeting is in like fifteen minutes!"

You had tried to pick a blouse with a high neck, but no such luck. Nothing in your wardrobe had been enough to cover the mark that adorned your neck. You'd tried the cold spoon trick. Nothing. Concealer? Not enough. The mark was still visible. It was a dark, angry purple that was clearly going to stick around for a while. It was almost the weekend and this was the only meeting you had to attend to before then, so you just needed it covered today. Covered was the problem, though.

Nothing covered this monstrosity.

Eduardo sighed, leaning over to grab the phone off your desk and dialing a number you recognized. "Hola, mi amor. Necesito un favor. ¿Tienes alguna camisa que te cubra el cuello? Sí. Voy a decirle más tarde. Gracias. Adios."

He hung up and your face was red, flush with embarrassment as he stared down at you in disappointment. "So, does Paola have anything?"

"She's bringing you a turtleneck. Do you still have that jacket you wore to the meeting a few days ago?"

You knew the one he was talking about. It was a houndstooth blazer, embellished with silver buttons. It was your favorite. You hardly ever had a chance to wear it but, considering your shirt was hardly going to be work attire, this was a good opportunity. You looked down at the rest of your outfit and chewed your cheek in contemplation. You'd worn a green pencil skirt and white heels. The heels were fine, but the skirt was questionable. 

You peered back up at him. "Yeah, I have it. Hopefully, I have a different skirt in my car. I'll be right back."

He nodded at you and you stood up, pretending to fix your collar when anyone walked by you on the way. You made your way outside and beamed when you saw the familiar silhouette of Paola walking toward you. She was holding a cream colored shirt and you pressed your palms together.

"You're a life saver. I owe you big time."

Her eyes widened when she looked at you, pushing your hand away and tugging your collar down to inspect the mark. "Dios mío. That is huge! Is that from the DEA agent?"

You groaned and pulled away from her grasp. "It's hideous, I know. I wasn't thinking about it. I should've stopped him."

"It wasn't in missionary, right?"

She was smirking and you laughed loudly, shaking your head. "No, definitely not. From behind. On a couch. Oh, and last night was on a desk and then I was on top in bed."

Her eyes were wide, mouth hanging open in disbelief. "Three times? You've had sex three times since I saw you yesterday?"

"Yep."

She clapped slowly. "Buen trabajo, Javier."

You shook your head in amusement and pointed in the direction of your car. "I have to go to my car. Come with?"

"Sure!"

The two of you made small talk along the way, chatting about food and Eduardo. The usual topics for you. You made it to your car and you peered around, checking to see if anyone was in the area. You had spent enough time around Paola to be comfortable with her, so you turned toward the older woman.

"I need to change. Can you keep an eye out and make sure no one walks by?"

Her eyes were wide. "You're going to change in the car?"

You nodded. "Yeah. If I don't, then I have to keep covering this mark when I walk by people. Please?"

She shrugged. "Listo."

You crawled into the backseat of your SUV, unzipping the back of your skirt and pulling it off awkwardly. You had limited space, so the entire situation was uncomfortable at best. Still, you grabbed a random black skirt you found in the back, one you'd changed out of for a date last week, and pulled that one on. Then, the turtleneck. You tucked the bottom of it into your skirt and then emerged, now fully dressed again.

She whistled at you. "Where do you buy your lingerie?"

Your eyes widened and you laughed. "Were you watching me?"

She shrugged nonchalantly and the two of you started walking back. "It's gorgeous. I like the red a lot. I haven't dated in a long time, so I never know what to wear around Eddy. I don't think he cares, but I want to feel pretty. Is that stupid?"

"I don't think so. I've always spent a lot of money on my underwear. It's either a really good confidence booster or it can get me in the mood if I think about it long enough. I buy most of my stuff at a little shop downtown. Doña Maria takes care of me. I've shopped with her for almost ten years. She finds me all the good stuff. I just got a new set, actually."

Her eyes lit up with excitement. "What color is it?"

She was like a kid in a candy store and you smiled back. "It's kind of a muted blue. It's gorgeous. It's completely sheer."

She sighed. "That sounds so sexy. I bet Javi will love it."

Your cheeks flushed and you diverted your gaze. "How do you know he's the one who will see-"

You stopped your sentence when a car pulled up. Steve came out first, emerging from the back of the car and waving at you awkwardly. "Y/N."

Messina was next, giving you a curt nod. "Good morning."

"Morning, Ma'am."

Javi was last to get out. Clad in one of those colorful shirts you liked so much, you sucked in a breath when you saw him. Paola noticed and flickered her gaze between the two of you. You shifted slightly and the mustached agent lifted his gaze from the ground. His aviators were on but you could tell he was looking at you.

"Hermo-" He stopped himself and looked at his boss, clearing his throat before turning back to you. "Morning, ladies."

Paola smiled and turned toward you, pulling you in for a hug and whispering in your ear. "He definitely does not look like the kind of man that does missionary."

You coughed loudly, cheeks darkening as she giggled in your ear. "Mala."

She shrugged and then turned back to the trio, waving. "Adios. Que tengan un buen día."

With that, she was off and leaving you with the DEA. Your body was warm, a combination of embarrassment and the humidity outside. Tugging at the top of the turtleneck, you walked towards the other three. You figured, since they just got here, it would only make sense to walk in together.

Messina and Murphy walked ahead, leaving you with Javi. Neither of you spoke and you couldn't help but feel a sort of tension. Every time you glanced over, he wasn't looking at you. He simply kept his gaze forward, seemingly lost in thought as he smoked. 

You decided to break the ice. "Did you make it on time?"

"Nope."

His response was short and you sighed. "Was she pissed?"

"Nope."

Another blunt response as you made your way through the halls and you groaned. You looked around and pulled his hand, dragging him down another hallway and out of sight. The other two would likely notice, but you didn't care. You needed to talk to him.

"What are you-"

"Why are you in a mood, Javier?"

You pulled his sunglasses off his nose and tucked them onto his shirt. Then, you gave him a hard stare. It didn't seem to phase him. He avoided your gaze and tugged at your shirt. 

"A turtleneck? I know it's January but it's not exactly freezing outside."

Not the response you'd been going for, but at least he was talking. 

Your eyes narrowed and you pulled the collar down to expose the mark. " _Someone_ decided to let everyone know we had sex."

"That a problem?"

"The hickey? Are you kidding me? Javi, it was all Eddy could stare at when I walked in. He's my friend but he's also my boss. Are you insa-"

"Not that. Is it a problem if people know we're sleeping together?"

_What?_

Your eyebrows furrowed and you took a good look at his face. He was uncomfortable again. The same kind of uncomfortable that he had been the night before when he'd said you could have sex in a bed. When you'd cracked that bad joke and made him feel bad. You stared at him in disbelief and sighed.

"That's not what I meant, Javi. I don't care if people know. We're adults. Just please don't leave a mark next time. Or, if you do, can you at least put it somewhere that people won't see? I'm not exactly trying to take stock in turtlenecks."

"Next time?"

The question hung heavy in the air and you were beyond confused. He wasn't giving you anything. Any sort of clue as to why he was acting like this. All you knew was that the questioning way he'd asked that made your heart thump rapidly against your chest. 

"Where is this coming from, Javier? Did I do something?"

You genuinely didn't know why he was mad. He could tell. He could tell that you were hopelessly confused and now he felt bad. He stayed silent, contemplating his words. He didn't know how to respond. He didn't even know why he was mad, if he were honest. Steve hadn't exactly been wrong. 

He'd left you the last time, so why did he care that you'd left him first this time?

His silence disappointed you and a frown tugged at your lips as you looked away. "Okay. Maybe I misunderstood. I know you said you don't do relationships, I just thought maybe you still wanted to...nevermind. You know what? My bad, Javi. I'll just, uh, leave you alone."

That last sentence made his gaze turn back toward you and he recognized the familiar look of disappointment. "Shit. No, hermosa. Stop."

You were already pulling away from him. "It's okay, Javi. Really-"

He tugged at your arm gently and pulled you into him, crashing his lips down onto yours. Mouth slanted, he moved his hand from your arm to cup your cheek as he deepened the kiss. You moaned into him, parting your painted lips to allow him better access. He took the opportunity to rub his tongue against yours. When he pulled away, he rested his forehead against yours and you stared up at him in confusion.

"I'm sorry. You didn't do anything. It's just been a long week."

It was a lie but he hoped you wouldn't see through it.

You nodded slowly, letting it go for now. "Okay. Are you alright?"

The pad of his thumb brushed against your cheek and he kissed you again, a light peck against your lips. "Yeah, I'm good. You got any plans tonight?"

Javi didn't strike you as a two nights in a row kind of guy, so you found yourself jumping at the opportunity. "I was hoping I could try on this new lingerie set. Maybe get some feedback from this hot DEA agent I know. You think he's available?"

A grin formed under the mustache. "For you? Fuck, hermosa, he's _always_ available."

You knew that was a lie. Just like you knew it was a lie when he told you he wasn't mad at you. When he told you it had been a long week. It was all bullshit. You wouldn't call him out on it, though.

You'd come to the conclusion that Javier Peña wasn't a man of forever. He wouldn't give you all the things you'd always wanted. He'd give you fleeting moments and a lot of heartache instead. 

You didn't care. You wanted whatever he was willing to give, for however long he was willing to give it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't mind me, just casually changing the placement of my notes with every chapter XD I felt like we needed another filthy chapter and this baby came to me all in one go. We love it when the brain gives us random fuel for a story! I wanted to give you guys a break from the angst, but you know me and the chapters can't completely be emotion free. Who's happy that it's kinda Javi's turn this time, though? I know I am~
> 
> As per usual, I love you all and thank you for your lovely comments. Also, thank you for supporting my filthy obsessions. Smooches!


	6. I'm With You.

Light eyes stared at you in disbelief as you walked nonchalantly into the shop. He'd stopped at the door, immediately seeing what was inside and opting to turn around. You watched as the older woman at the counter laughed loudly, pointing to the uncomfortable man behind you, and you groaned in response.

"Really, Eddy? You're making me look bad."

You were certain he didn't care about your appearance. He could give two shits how he was making you look. He was too busy being blinded by a plethora of colors and fabrics, all in the shape of naughty undergarments. 

"Why are we here? I told you I needed help finding Paola a birthday present, not that I wanted to help you surprise Agent Peña tonight."

You rolled your eyes at his outburst and pulled his arm, dragging him deeper into your favorite store. "This _is_ me helping you. Paola told me herself that she wants to feel sexy. She didn't know where to start. Lucky for her, and you, I do. We start and finish our mission here, at Doña Maria's."

He tugged at the tie around his neck. "I shouldn't have asked for your help."

You clicked your tongue and smacked him lightly on the chest. "Oh, quit whining. It'll be fun! Besides, I'm always looking for new things in here."

"That makes it sound like this is more for you than Paola."

You shrugged, painted nails raking through the hangers. "Two birds, one stone. I'm telling you the truth. She saw my underwear and told me that she wanted lingerie. Look, you know me. Usually, I'd laugh at a man that wanted to buy a woman lingerie for her birthday. In this case, she genuinely asked for it. You want her to be happy, right?"

You pulled out an iridescent lavender set, hovering it over your body and quirking an eyebrow at the tall man. He shook his head, sighing in defeat and taking a hesitant step toward you to help. You let out a squeal of triumph and moved on to a more expensive rack. He made significantly more than you, so you were certain that money was no object. You ran through the options until you found a navy trio with silver piping. It was absolutely exquisite and you bit your lip in contemplation.

You _really_ didn't need any more lingerie.

Doña Maria took that moment to creep up behind you and whistle. "You better have a man to see you in that, mija. Es tan bonita."

You turned toward her, a tiny smile on your lips as you pulled the set off. It was part mesh and part lace, completely sheer and not padded, just the way you liked. The silver piping accentuated the band and the straps, also slightly trailing the top of the eyelash lace that would cover the swell of your breasts. It was intricate and absolutely breathtaking. The panties were completely mesh and the silver was only present on a tiny bow in front. The bonus was that it came with a matching garter, something you'd long wanted to try on yourself.

You knew just the person to try it out in front of, too.

"Can you hold this for me until we're done? Please and thank you."

The elderly woman laughed again and nodded. "I have that red set you asked for, too. Do you want both?"

Your eyes lit up and you clapped your hands together. "Yes! Oh, I've been waiting for that one. You're a saint."

She waved a wrinkled finger in your direction. "Not a saint. A sinner, mija."

You snickered at her response and nodded in compliance. Then, you turned to find Eddy inspecting a delicate pink set. It was simple for your taste, but stunning all the same. You smiled softly at the sight and stepped toward him, heels clicking against the hardwood floor. He turned at the sound, face immediately flushing with embarrassment as he scrambled to put the items away.

"Eddy, really? How long have we been friends? Come on. We're not five. Let me see."

"No."

"Let me see it. I have plans soon. I don't have all day."

"No."

You gave him a look and pushed him out of the way, grabbing the hanger and lifting the pink fabric up to inspect it. "This is pretty. I'm not a fan of pink on me but Paola would look phenomenal in this. This is good, Eddy. Really good."

His face was red, all the way to the tips of his ears, and you laughed at him, receiving a glare. "I'm your boss. Stop laughing at me."

"We're not at work, _sir_. This," You waved your arms around you, "is my domain. This is my place. Nobody knows Doña Maria's like I do."

He cleared his throat, tugging at his tie again in nervousness. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

He caught you off guard but you shrugged in response. "Sure. Why not?"

He was looking anywhere but at you as he spoke. "What kind of underwear do you wear? On a daily basis?"

Your eyes went wide, the tips of your eyelashes brushing against your brow. You weren't sure what you'd been expecting him to ask, but this certainly was not it. In all your years of knowing Eduardo Sandoval, he'd never asked you something so personal. So inappropriate. So...intimate.

You hummed in contemplation and tilted your head to a different rack. "Everything I buy is usually on this rack or a special order."

"I said on a _daily_ basis, Y/N."

You blinked at him and nodded slowly. "I know. I don't own any underwear that isn't from here. It's extravagant, but I like it. I always wear this stuff."

He rubbed a hand against his face and groaned. "Even at work?"

"Eduardo Sandoval, are you picturing me wearing naughty underwear at work? Sucio."

"I shouldn't have come here with you."

You shrugged again and kept browsing. "I've pictured you naked before. Who cares?"

His entire body went stiff and he coughed. "What?"

The ladies that worked at the store all snickered, giggles erupting behind the counter. You knew they could hear you. You also knew that every single one of them spoke nearly perfect English. You weren't embarrassed, though. It had been months since you'd thought about Eddy as anything more than a friend or boss.

"You know what I went to that Christmas party in. I wore a skimpy dress to try and jump your bones. Embarrassing, sure. I wouldn't try it now, though. I don't look at you like that anymore. Plus, Paola is perfect for you. I'd never ruin that."

"I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything. Don't make this weird. We're both adults with needs. Now you're in a relationship. An adorable, loving relationship and I'm-"

You trailed off as you thought about it. Biting your lip, you left the rest of the sentence in the air. Now wasn't the time for you to try to understand what you and Javi were doing. You were on a mission to help Eddy. 

Too bad he wouldn't let it go.

"What exactly _are_ you and Agent Peña doing?"

That was the question, wasn't it? What were you and Javier Peña doing? Were you together? Were you friends with benefits? Were you a casual fling? You genuinely had no idea. You didn't want to ask, either, because asking meant the possibility of receiving an answer that you didn't like. One that would hurt you more than Javi had before. You didn't need that. You wanted the easygoing banter and the mind-blowing sex.

You wanted the good without the bad. Maybe it was selfish. You didn't care. Besides, Javi had claimed himself to be a selfish man, so what did it matter if you took a little bit for yourself, too?

"We're just going with the flow. Seeing where it goes. Having incredible sex. That's about it."

You made your way around the row and peeked your head up to find the man staring at you in concern. "You don't need to lie to me, Y/N."

Your entire body tensed and you let out a huff. "I'm not lying. It's the truth."

"You like him. More than I've seen you like anyone in a long time. Don't pretend like it won't hurt when it falls apart."

"When?"

He sighed and nodded slowly, clearly debating how to word his response. "Yes. _When_. You know it won't last, Y/N. Javier Peña isn't going to change. Not for you. Not for anyone."

Your heart was racing and you clenched your fists on the rack, knuckles turning white as he spoke. You could barely breathe. The anger that was radiating within you had reached an all time high. You were absolutely furious. 

The worst part? You didn't even know if he was wrong.

You didn't care though, so you scowled at him and walked up to the front to pay for your items. "Sorry we can't all be perfect angels like Paola. We don't all have our shit together. Some of us try desperately to find love and fail miserably. Thanks for reminding me, Eduardo. Thanks for reminding me that your life is so much better than mine."

Doña Maria stayed silent as you exchanged money and you heard Eddy move behind you. "That's not what I'm trying to say. I'm saying that Javier Peña is not the kind of man you should date."

You whipped around and jabbed a finger at his chest again. "Who should I date, Eddy? A man like you? Mister 'I get flustered by the sight of panties'? Oh, please. Fuck you. You couldn't handle me. A man like you should be with a woman like Paola. A woman like me should be with-"

"Javier Peña?"

You threw your hands in the air, bag crinkling as you held them above you. "Maybe. What's wrong with that?"

"I don't want you to get hurt."

You narrowed your eyes and scoffed. "The only one hurting me right now is you. Leave my love life alone. You asked for advice on yours. I didn't. Buy her the pink one, by the way. You like it and she likes pink. Me and my sexy lingerie are going to go fuck a DEA agent now. That okay with you?"

He diverted his gaze from you and you took that as a silent admission of defeat. Bag of goodies in hand, you stormed out of the store and immediately went to your car. You hopped into the driver's seat and clutched at the wheel, attempting to slow your rapid heartbeat. You were still angry and you could feel your blood boiling. You weren't sure what you could do to make yourself stop thinking about it. Maybe there wasn't anything you _could_ do. 

Reaching into your center console, you caved into temptation and grabbed your phone out. You dialed the familiar number without even thinking. You just needed to talk to someone else to calm you down. He picked up on the second ring.

"Peña."

Biting your lip, you pushed away the torturous thoughts and smiled at the sound of his voice. "Hey, handsome. I'm thinking of a number between one and one hundred."

He laughed into the phone and you could almost see him shaking his head. "I'm at work, hermosa. Shouldn't you be shopping?"

You'd told him about Eddy's problem and your offer to help, so it was no surprise that he was asking about it. "I'm all done. We still on for later?"

You could hear the sound of him typing and he hummed in response. "Yeah, I'll be out of here in about an hour. Your place or mine?"

"Mine."

"Sounds good. Want me to bring food?"

"Yes, please. Now, what number am I thinking of?"

"I'm not good at these games, hermosa. Twenty-four?"

You giggled and turned the car on. "Nope. Try sixty-nine."

He groaned and you smirked. "You're evil. Now I have to go another hour trying not to think about how you taste."

You thought about what he'd told you the morning after Christmas. "Like sugarcane. Sweet and a little earthy, if I do recall correctly."

"Fucking hell, you're killing me. You're gonna pay for that."

"Oh, that's what I'm banking on."

"I gotta go. See you soon, hermosa."

You nodded. "Sounds good."

Turning your blinker on, you went to leave your parking spot until you heard a rapid tapping against your window. Turning your head, you immediately sighed at the sight. Eddy was standing on the other side of the glass, two inconspicuous bags in hand. You reached over to roll the window down and gave him a look.

"What is it, Eddy?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

You shrugged apathetically. "It's fine. I hope Paola enjoys her birthday gift. If it's not good enough then blame it on me."

The man let out a heavy sigh and yanked the passenger side open, crowding into the space beside you. "Can we talk about this?"

"Paola's birthday?"

He gave you a look and you sighed. "You know what I mean. You and Agent Peña."

"No. No, we can't talk about it. I'm a big girl. I can handle myself."

"You really like him, don't you? You were smiling on the phone before I knocked on the window. Were you talking to him?"

You pinched the bridge of your nose. "I was smiling? How _absurd_. I don't do that."

"Dammit, Y/N. Why are you so difficult?"

"Stubborn. You complimented me about it once before, you know."

He leaned back into the seat and rested his head on the window, eyes staring out at the lingerie store in contempt. "The smile you had when you were on the phone-"

"Are we still on this, Eddy? Smiling is a normal part of life."

He aimed his head toward you and swallowed thickly. "Yes. We're still on this. We're still on this because that smile is the kind of smile I hope Paola gets when I call her. That smile you give Javier Peña is the smile of a woman that's genuinely happy. Agent Peña makes you happy and it scares me because I think you make him happy, too."

Now you were beyond confused.

"So, let me get this straight. You don't think I should be with Javi, but you think he makes me happy? How does that make sense?"

"Exactly. It doesn't."

You groaned, turning the car off and tilting your head back against the seat. "Eduardo, if you don't explain what exactly you're trying to say, I swear on-"

"I don't like Agent Peña."

"That's common knowledge, Eddy. What's the point here?"

"I don't like him and I don't think he's good for you. He's a cabrón." You opened your mouth to retort and he continued. "But, if he makes you smile like that, then I'll support it. Whatever this is."

Your heart was thumping wildly against your chest and you stared at the man in shock. He'd been the biggest critic of your situation with the agent and yet, here he was in full favor of it. You couldn't believe it. You didn't know what to say. Your entire body was warm, a beautiful flush of red dusting your cheeks as you awkwardly turned away. You chewed the inside of your cheek as you genuinely thought about everything.

Everything you hadn't wanted to think about before. 

It was all coming to the surface, threatening to break through and flood your thoughts. You'd built a wall in your mind. A dam of sorts, to hold yourself back from any threat of heartbreak. You knew it would come anyway. Even though things were great now, they wouldn't be forever. 

Javier Peña, in your own words, was not a man of forever. 

A deep sigh escaped your lips and you gripped the wheel tightly again. "Don't. Don't support it, Eddy. You weren't wrong. We both know that."

There was a dull ache in your chest as you thought about it all. When you thought about all the ways that Javi was sweet on you. When you thought about the gentle ways he'd touched you after sex. The words he'd sometimes spoken in that delicate moment of bliss, fingers trailing down your spine. The whisper of kisses he'd brushed against your skin.

_Next time you need something, you call me. Got it?_

_I've never slept as good as I did the two nights before Christmas._

_What if wanna wake up every fucking day next to your damn bed head and that sexy tattoo? What if I like that you make me coffee before I even open my eyes?_

_I've never touched any woman the way I touch you._

The sweet words all invaded your mind at once and, though you didn't notice, tears trickled down your cheeks. You could taste the saltiness as the droplets fell between your parted lips, but you were focused elsewhere. You were off in a different place as you genuinely thought about your relationship with the DEA Agent. 

As you thought about what you wanted.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity of silence, you spoke in a whisper. "You're right, you know. I like him. Too much. When I went out for those dates after Christmas, I couldn't stand any of them. I kept looking for flaws because I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to eat fancy pasta and drink wine, I wanted to eat cheap chicharrones and smoke terrible cigarettes."

Your boss sighed beside you, nodding though you didn't look at him. "Paola told me about when you went outside to change earlier. She said he stopped and stared at you for a long time."

"He was weird with me right after."

"Javier Peña _is_ weird."

You laughed, though the humor didn't quite penetrate the ache in your chest. "I don't know how to describe it. It was like he was mad but not even at me."

You turned, furiously wiping under your eyes and getting rid of the tears as Eddy looked at you. "Maybe he knows you're too good for him, Y/N."

"If that's true, then maybe I should figure that out, too."

"Maybe. You don't want to, though."

You gave a sad smile and nodded. "No. I think I want to stay in my naïve little bubble a little while longer."

"It's not naïve if you know."

You rolled your eyes. "Oh, shut up."

He laughed beside you and tossed a bag into your lap, tugging at his collar in discomfort again. "I never got you a Christmas present. So, Merry Christmas, Y/N."

You'd given him a nice bottle of red wine a couple days before Christmas, more expensive than you'd ever buy yourself. His face had lit up and you remembered the sight making you smile. Not in the same way that Javi did, though. 

You peeked into the bag and gasped, eyeing the beautiful, lavender lace in shock. "Eddy, did you just buy me lingerie?"

He coughed. "No one ever finds out about this. You held it up and I thought it wouldn't suit Paola, but-"

His face heated up and you snickered. "But it would look good on me? Sucio."

"I don't think of you like that, it just-"

"Relax, Eddy. This doesn't have to be weird. It's honestly the best Christmas present I've ever gotten. It's gorgeous. Thank you."

He took a deep breath of relief and nodded. "You're welcome."

"Maybe I'll wear it to work on Monday."

He groaned, snacking his head against the seat. You giggled and poked his cheek with a manicured nail, teasing him more. You wouldn't wear it to work under a pencil skirt. It was far too nice for that. 

No, instead you'd wear it for a man that you weren't sure would ever actually commit to you.

* * *

You opened the door on the second knock, feeling far more uncertain than normal. You'd slept with the man numerous times already, so why did the thought of it all of the sudden make you uneasy? Ignoring the feeling, you twisted the knob and were immediately attacked. 

You could hear the rustling of a plastic bag falling to the floor as Javi pressed his mouth to yours. You squeaked in surprise, his hands trailing down your body and settling on your hips. Settling right on top of that shimmery, lavender lace. You'd worn nothing over it, expecting full well for dessert to come before dinner. 

He pushed you at arm's length and whistled loudly. "Holy shit. You look fucking incredible."

Your gaze met his and your entire body stilled when you realized he wasn't looking at the lingerie anymore. "Javi?"

He was giving you that look again and if you weren't slightly queasy before, now you definitely were.

You bit your lip and watched as he blinked, giving you that trademark Javi smirk and stepping forward to tug at your panties. "This is sexy. You get it today?"

"Yeah. You like it?"

"Hermosa, you could be wearing a parka and granny panties and I'd _still_ think you were the sexiest woman I'd ever seen."

His words made your breath hitch and you looked away. He pulled you closer by the waistband of your thong and you gasped in surprise, barely having time to respond before he was kissing you again. You instinctively parted your lips as he probed your mouth with his tongue. You could never quite get over the taste of Javi. Every time he kissed you it made your toes curl and your entire body hot. He pulled away just enough to trail his lips down your throat, crouching down as he kissed the swell of your breasts.

"You look fucking incredible. I'm gonna worship this body, hermosa. Maybe I'll make you cum three times tonight."

You whined as he licked your nipple through the iridescent material. "Javi-"

"Gonna make you say that over and over, hermosa. I hope that old lady next door has her T.V. volume high or she's gonna be listening to you scream all night."

The agent lifted you up by your hips, calloused hands squeezing your ass as he carried you to your kitchen table. You gasped as your back was pressed against the cold wood. Your ass was barely held up by the edge and he moved his hands to your front, trailing them up and down your body. His index finger slid beneath the fabric of your panties and you whined, his knuckle brushing against your wetness. 

"I like you in nothing but this is incredible. How much did it cost?"

The question made your gaze shift away from him and you gulped in shame. "Uh, it didn't cost anything. It was a Christmas present."

Javi clenched the sheer lace in his hand and you looked back at him, only to find his face contorted in rage. "You gotta be fucking kidding me. Sandoval buy this for you?"

You regretted saying anything and opted to stay quiet, a silent response. He pulled his hand away, raking it through his hair and taking a step back. You pressed your thighs together and sat up, reaching a hand out to touch him. He took another step back instead.

"Javi-"

He laughed coldly. "You let your boss buy you expensive lingerie? You model it for him, too? I bet he had a real good time."

Your eyes watered at the accusation and you shook your head rapidly. "No, Javi. Of course not. It's not like that-"

"It's not like that? Says the woman that went to a Christmas party in a tight ass dress just to fuck the guy."

Your jaw clenched and you stood up. You didn't know what to say. How long had he been sitting on that? How long had he been waiting for the chance to rub that in your face? You'd told him you didn't want anything with Eduardo, so why didn't he believe you? The tears trickled down your cheeks and you grabbed a sweater off one of the chairs. You wrapped it around yourself and shook your head. He was still fuming, kicking the bag of food that he'd brought and no doubt ruining the meal.

Ruining the meal just like he'd ruined the night.

Or, had _you_ ruined it?

"Get out, Javi."

Javi was in a zone. His head felt like it was going to explode. He'd kicked the food and it slid across your hardwood floor, smacking against the cabinets. His chest hurt. He didn't know what the hell was happening, but his entire body was hot and cold at the same time. Javi wanted to kill him. He wanted to strangle Eduardo Sandoval for even thinking that it was okay to buy you fancy lingerie. He was so out of it, that he couldn't register what you had just said. The words weren't permeating the racing thoughts in his mind.

All he could think about was Sandoval getting a nice view of you in that stunning lavender lace. 

It made him sick.

"Did you hear me? Get out."

Brown eyes snapped toward you and they went wide as he took in your appearance. Your arms were wrapped tightly around your body, now covered in a grey sweater. You were shaking, lower lip quivering as tears streamed down your cheeks. _Shit_. He hadn't thought about his words before he'd said them. They'd come out of his mouth in a flurry of anger. Now, he was actually looking at the damage.

You were crying. Again.

He sighed, running a shaky hand over his face and taking a step forward. "Look-"

"Get out."

Your voice was shaky and he took another step forward, only to have you take one back and bump into the table. "I'm sorry. I got pissed-"

"Fuck you. Eddy has a girlfriend. I would never touch him. Eddy has a girlfriend and I'm-"

_With you._

You didn't say the words out loud. Instead, you let the silent whisper of them hang in the air between you. Tears were still trickling down your cheeks and you found yourself frustrated at yourself. Frustrated because you couldn't stop them from falling. You couldn't stop yourself from crying over a man that you didn't even know what you were doing with.

He felt the impact of the silence and his jaw clenched again. He didn't know how to respond. He didn't know what to do to fix his mess. All he knew was that he hated himself. 

He hated it when you cried. Especially when you cried over something he did.

"Get out of my house, Javier. Take that fucked up bag of takeout and your stupid theories about me and my boss, and get out."

"Hermo-"

Your voice broke this time. "Please, Javi. Just go."

You turned away from him and walked towards your bedroom, shutting the door behind you. You didn't want to talk to him about this. Not now. Instead, you wanted to wallow in your own self pity and go to bed hungry. So, you did. You heard the front door close after a few minutes and you shoved your face into a pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm wheezing because I kinda hate it when these two fight...every fiber of my being wants these idiots to be happy T_T anyways, I'm not quite done with the next chapter because it was kinda a late addition sooooo probably no bonus chapter this week. I'll see you guys next Tuesday for more of our favorite dumbass DEA agent! Smooches~


	7. Make Love.

"So, he gave her lingerie as a late Christmas present? Weird."

Javi took another drag off his cigarette as they sat outside a building they'd been watching. "Yeah."

The blonde beside him sighed. "I'm guessing you got pissed off and she kicked you out. Am I right?"

Aviators perched on his nose, Javi scratched his jaw and nodded. "How'd you know?"

"Because you always have this weird, happy look on your face after you guys have a good night. You don't look like that right now. You look like shit."

"Wouldn't you be pissed?"

Steve laughed loudly, eyebrows lifting toward his hairline. "Fuck yeah. I'd go out and shoot the fucker myself. There's a difference, though."

The older man turned and glared. "The fuck's the difference?"

Blue eyes flickered toward his partner and Steve chewed the inside of his cheek, debating on how to answer. "Difference is you're not in a relationship, Javi. You haven't defined shit. The two of you are fuckin' around, avoiding the question. She wants more. You obviously want more, too. You just don't have the balls to tell her that, so you're getting all jealous of Sandoval but you don't have a right to be because she ain't technically yours, Javi."

Steve was right. Javi was starting to _really_ hate his partner.

"You want my advice?"

"Not really."

The blonde laughed, nodding his head slowly. "Yeah, I don't blame you. My wife's not even in the same country as me."

Javi took another longer drag off the cigarette before flicking it out the window and rubbing his forehead. "What's your advice?"

"Buy her flowers. Buy her fancier underwear than Sandoval did. Go over to her house and give her both. Apologize for being an asshole and make sweet, sweet love to the most patient woman I've ever met in my life. Then, spend the night. Make her breakfast in the morning and then make love to her again."

_Make love?_

Was he even capable of doing that? Did he know how to have sex with someone as more than just a fling?

All stupid questions, really. The more he thought about it, the more he realized. He knew how. Every laugh. Every look. Every touch. Every kiss. It had always been more than a fling with you. You'd never been just a good time to call when he needed a fix. 

You were too good for him. He'd pushed aside the thought of being something more with you for that very fact. You were special. You meant something to him. You meant more to him than he thought he deserved. So, he was constantly pushing you away. The problem was, the more he pushed you, the more he realized how badly he wanted you. 

He was so fucked up in the head.

"I can't do that, Steve."

The blonde let out a humorless laugh. "Can't or won't? Christ, Javi, figure it out. Quit the back and forth shit. Either be with her or let her go so she can find someone that'll give her what you won't."

The thought of you with anyone else made him sick. Someone else inside of you. Someone else holding you. Someone else laughing with you. Someone else teasing you. Hell, the thought of you making coffee for someone else made him want to vomit.

He couldn't tell you what he wanted but he couldn't let you go either.

"I can't."

Steve nodded in understanding. "You can't keep her but you can't let her go, either. Hate to break this to you, Javi, but I think you love her."

_Love?_

No, he couldn't do that to you. He couldn't love you. He couldn't put this kind of life on you. So, he made a decision. One he knew he'd regret.

"Let her go, then."

He watched as the blonde lit his own cigarette and shrugged. "If that's what you want. I know it ain't, though. Not even close."

The sheer concept of letting you go made the older man nauseous. Hell, this entire conversation was making him nauseous. It all made him want to barf up those cheap arepas that Steve had insisted they get earlier. Corn was going to be splattered across the dashboard if they didn't stop talking about it.

He _really_ fucking hated it when Steve was right.

* * *

"So, you and Javi are fighting again?"

You hummed into the straw, slurping up another gulp of the blended cocktail before you answered. "Yeah. He made some stupid accusations about me and Eddy."

Paola coughed loudly, staring back at you in disbelief. "He's an idiot. You two are like brother and sister."

She was mostly right. Minus the fact that you'd previously wanted to fuck him. She didn't need to know about that, though. 

You crushed some of the ice in your teeth and nodded. "Exactly. I told him that Eddy has you and-"

_I'm with you._

You hadn't said the entire sentence out loud to him last night, but you were certain he'd heard the implication anyway. Paola could, too. She didn't need to hear you say it to know what you were trying to convey.

She gave you a knowing look. "And you have Javi."

Newly manicured fingertips fiddled with the straw and you chewed the inside of your cheek. "Something like that." 

You stared down at the navy polish on your nails, looking for imperfections that weren't there. Looking for something to distract you from your thoughts. You'd selected the navy color without a second thought, foregoing the ten minutes that you usually took to decide on a color. Now, staring down at the glossy finish, you realized why. 

Blue. Javi's favorite color.

Even when he wasn't there, he was still there. Even when you were pissed at him, you still wanted him with you. You were weak for that man.

"He didn't listen, though. You're still upset."

Your gaze shifted upward to stare back into hers and you sighed. "He wasn't paying attention. He threw a fit. I started crying and kicked him out. Then, I cried all night and had half a tub of ice cream for dinner. My eyes were so puffy when I woke up."

"What kind of ice cream?"

"Tres leches."

The older woman groaned and nodded. "The best. The only good replacement for the cream you were going to get before."

You choked on your next sip of margarita and laughed loudly. She laughed along with you, though you were certain she didn't know the real reason for your amusement. She'd made an inside joke without even knowing it.

_I can put some cream in that coffee._

A small smile graced your lips and you stared down at the glass in your hands until a finger poked the tip of your nose. "You look so happy. How do you look so happy when you're mad at him?"

You could feel your face heating up. "You really are perfect for Eddy, you know that? I answered a phone call from Javi in front of him and he said I was smiling. That I look happy around Javi."

"You do. Is that a bad thing?"

That was the question. Her question. Eddy's question. Your question. 

Was being happy with Javier Peña a good thing? You'd yet to determine the answer. 

In the back of your mind, there was this nagging voice telling you he was no good. It was reminding you of all the women you'd seen him flirt with. It was pushing forward the words he'd said to you last night. The accusation. Then, there was this other voice that would remind you of how sweet he was sometimes. It would play the image of your little moments, laughing and teasing each other. That second half of your brain would recall how he'd rushed to your side when you'd needed him and how he knew more about you than he probably even knew about Steve.

You were quiet for a long while and Paola was staring at you, concern evident in her eyes until you finally chose your words. "I think it's probably a bad thing. Javi told me he doesn't want a relationship. I'm pretending like this is a fling but I like him. A lot. I want to be with him but I don't know how. I don't even think he knows how."

"So, you like him but you don't know if it will work out? That sounds like a normal relationship."

_A normal relationship?_

Nobody in your life had ever said that about you and Javi. Hell, you wouldn't say it. Now, sitting here with Paola, she was making you realize that she was right. In the grand scheme of things, your relationship with Javi was mostly normal. Sure, it had started backwards, but it had blossomed into a sense of normalcy. Everything with him felt so right. You didn't go on actual dates or hang out with friends together, but you'd laugh over takeout and steal kisses. You knew the way he took his coffee and he knew the way you took yours.

It was so simple but it was so mind blowing at the same time.

You ran a hand across your forehead and leaned back in your seat, ignoring the drink for a little clarity. "It's so simple but it's so complicated. What am I doing?"

She laughed, nodding at the waiter for a refill when he came over. "I'm going to need another drink. They're on you. It's my fee for being a therapist."

You laughed again and nodded. "I thought this was a birthday celebration."

"I think you needed this more than I did, Y/N."

She was definitely right about that. You hadn't realized it before, but you had been in desperate need of another female friend. Your sister was thousands of miles away and your other girlfriend was a busy hospital worker. Having Paola around was like a breath of fresh air. 

"Thanks for this, Paola. I really needed a break from all the testosterone."

"Me too. Apparently my son loves Eduardo. Lorenzo keeps following him around and they've both been teasing me lately."

"I think Eddy has that effect on people. I took him to a family dinner one time and him and my Papa spent the entire night making fun of my terrible love life."

Paola smiled at you, graciously accepting her third drink and raising the glass. "Not so terrible anymore."

You leaned forward and grabbed yours, laughing and shaking your head at the toast. "It's an absolute mess, but it's not terrible."

You let the taste of lime cascade over your taste buds and watched as she set her drink down after a particularly large gulp. "Messy is normal. No relationship is perfect. The real question is if he's going to apologize. If he does, I think he feels the same as you. If not, I guess you'll be saying bye to fantastic sex and an incredible mustache."

You laughed a bit before gulping in nervousness. Javi wasn't exactly the kind of man that apologized for his actions. Then again, he'd done it countless times for you. He'd surprised you before, maybe you'd get lucky and he'd do it again.

* * *

Javi had said he was going to let you go. _Right?_

So, why was he standing right outside your door. Why had he grabbed a bouquet of expensive dahlias, a beautiful combination of light lavender, white and pink that had reminded him of that pretty lingerie you'd been wearing last night? Why had he driven all the way across town just to get your favorite empanadas?

Why were his hands so damn sweaty?

He groaned, throwing his head back and opting to turn around. He didn't know what the hell he was doing. He didn't know how to act. He didn't do this. He didn't apologize for being an asshole. He didn't grovel at the feet of a woman. 

Javier Peña did not beg for forgiveness.

Except, for you, he did.

He did a lot of things for you that he never did for anyone else.

He leaned his back against your door and shut his eyes to take a breath, only to be interrupted by a quiet voice. "Javi?"

He jumped away from the door, dropping the food in surprise and widening his eyes at the sight of you. You looked good. Really good. You were wearing a tight, black tank top and a pair of striped shorts, exposing your toned legs. Your hair was neatly done, part of the black waves pushed back with a barrette. Stunning. You looked like absolutely nothing was wrong and he couldn't stand it. 

He couldn't stand the idea that you hadn't missed him at all.

Except, he was wrong. 

You had missed him. A lot. More than you cared to admit. He couldn't see how much concealer you'd put on to cover the puffiness of your under eyes. He couldn't see the expensive lingerie sitting in your trash can. He couldn't see the mascara stains on your pillowcase.

You eyed the flowers in his hand and bit your lip. "Are those-"

He followed your gaze and cleared his throat awkwardly. "Yeah. They're for you."

He was uncomfortable again and you were starting to realize that you were the cause of that discomfort. Every time. He only acted this way around you and you wondered if maybe he didn't enjoy being around you. Maybe your presence wasn't something he actually liked. Maybe he only liked you when you were naked. The thought made your chest ache. It made your breath catch until you realized that, if any of that were true, he wouldn't be here. He wouldn't be at your doorstep with a bouquet of beautiful flowers and food that smelled like heaven.

Your heart ached in a different way and you instinctively walked towards the agent. His brown eyes looked tired as they followed your movements. He was eyeing you in curiosity, waiting to see what you'd do. He almost dropped the flowers, too, when you grabbed his face and pressed your lips to his in a desperate kiss.

Newly manicured fingers trailed into his hair, clutching at the brown waves as you kissed him senseless. You poured everything into that kiss. Every emotion that you'd felt since yesterday. Sadness. Anger. Longing. Hope. 

_Love._

You were in love with Javier Peña and he had absolutely no fucking clue.

You whimpered against his mouth, tears trickling down your cheeks again and he pulled away some. "I didn't come here to make you cry, hermosa."

You let out a laugh and kissed him again, this time gently. "Cabrón."

Your hands were shaky as you trailed them to his front, toying with an unused button. He was wearing one of those damn short sleeve button downs that he looked so delicious in. It was rude, really. How he could make you cry the day before and then show up like this and make you want him so badly. Your tongue darted out, wetting your already glossy lips, and he groaned.

"Don't do that. You're making me want things that I didn't come here for."

You furrowed your brows in confusion. "Things you didn't come here for?"

He sighed, nodding and pulling away to scratch the back of his neck. "Came here to apologize. I can't do that if you're distracting me."

"Aren't the flowers the apology?"

You hadn't expected an actual apology, if you were being honest. You'd accepted the idea that you loved him, sure, but you didn't think he even remotely reciprocated that feeling. You didn't expect him to beg for forgiveness. You expected him to hand you some flowers, call it even, and fuck you on the dinner table like he almost had last night.

"Are the flowers _supposed_ to be the apology? They don't feel like they're enough. I should be saying sorry for accusing you of sleeping with your boss. I'm not sorry for getting upset about him buying you lingerie, but I'm sorry I got mad at you. I'm mad at him. He's an asshole. So am I. Not you."

His apology was genuine. Weird, but genuine. It was making your heart race and you felt like you were going to explode. He was here, apologizing for his actions. Apologizing for accusing you of something that you'd never do. He was making an effort to fix whatever this was. You couldn't help but want to kiss him again. You held yourself back, though, and kept playing with the button.

"So, you're still mad that he bought me lingerie but you're not upset with me?"

"Yep."

You laughed lightly and shook your head. "What kind of food did you bring?"

You looked up at him expectantly and he blinked, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "Empanadas. Why?"

"From that place across town?"

"Yeah."

You groaned, not thinking about your words before you said them. "I _fucking_ love you."

His body went stiff and so did yours. Neither of you said anything. Your ears were ringing, entire body hot with embarrassment at the outburst. You hadn't meant to say it out loud. Hell, it wasn't even an actual declaration. It had been a response to the food and you had simply chosen the wrong words. You hadn't wanted to actually tell him you loved him.

_Right?_

You opened your mouth to say something, though you didn't know what to say, and he beat you to it by pressing his lips against yours again. He gripped your waist with his free hand, snaking it around you and pressing you against him. You moaned as your bodies molded together, allowing him access into your mouth. He pressed his tongue against yours, mustache tickling your upper lip as you kissed. 

He wanted to taste every part of you. He wanted to touch you. He wanted to bury himself inside you.

What had Steve told him? _To make love to you?_

Yeah, he wanted to do that, too.

Maybe not now, though. He was too focused on apologizing.

He pulled away and pressed his forehead against yours, staring deep into your eyes. "I really am sorry, hermosa."

"I know. It's okay."

You were genuinely accepting his apology and, as you stared up at him, he realized it. He couldn't let you go. Not now, not ever. He wanted to be with you in every capacity. 

How to tell you that? He had no fucking clue.

The only thing he knew how to do was touch you. He'd do that later.

The agent tilted his head behind him. "Can we go inside, hermosa? Don't really think your old lady neighbor needs to see my hard on. And our food's getting cold."

You snickered, nodding and reaching into your purse to grab your keys. "So, empanadas and salchicha?"

He smacked your behind and you squeaked. "Mala. I said I didn't come here for that. Quit putting it in my head."

"Which head? The upstairs one or the downstairs?"

You opened the door, laughing loudly as he groaned behind you. You loved teasing him. You grabbed the flowers out of his hand and put them to your nose, eyes fluttering closed as you inhaled. They smelled sweet, by far the nicest flowers you'd ever received. You looked down at the arrangement as you grabbed a vase and chewed your lip in contemplation.

The colors reminded you of-

"They're the same colors as the lingerie I got mad about. Figured it was a good combination. Looked better on you, though."

_Oh_.

Your trash can was right on the outside of the kitchen, which just so happened to be on the left as soon as you walked in. He'd no doubt see the garbage. That meant he'd see what was crumpled into a pile on the very top of it.

Sure as shit, he walked into the kitchen to set the food down and you followed, only to find him staring down at the discarded lingerie. "You threw it away?"

You looked away, eyes drifting anywhere but on the bewildered man. Javi noticed. Brown eyes were wide with shock as he took in your discomfort. He hadn't realized just how much of an effect his words had on you. He'd gotten pissy about this underwear, ridiculously jealous that your boss had bought it for you, and so you'd thrown it away.

For your sake or for his, he didn't know. Didn't care, either.

Your voice was a whisper as you finished putting the flowers away. "I didn't like it."

"Bullshit."

Your eyes snapped up at his tone and you found him holding the sheer fabric, running a thumb along it. "I'm not lying. I don't like it."

_Anymore_.

His jaw clenched and he walked toward you, lifting your chin with his free hand. "Keep it. It's my fault you don't want it anymore. Let's fix that. Wash it. Put it on some other time. Blow my mind again. Then, we'll both like it."

"Javi, it's fine. I'll give it back to Eddy and he can return-"

"He's not returning shit. He already thinks I'm an asshole. I'm amazed he even fucking bought this for you. He knows I'm the one that's gonna see it, right?"

You laughed and nodded. "It's common knowledge at this point, Javi. He hated it at first."

"At first? Not now?"

You swallowed nervously. You didn't know how much to tell him. Sure, you'd accidentally spouted out the fact that you loved him, but he probably thought it was just because he'd brought food. Was it smart to tell him about what Eduardo had said? About Javi making you smile. 

Was it a good decision to tell Javi just how much you liked him?

_No_.

Would you do it anyway?

_Yes_.

"He pissed me off. I think it was kind of an apology gift, too. I was helping him shop and I bought a couple things for myself. Then he asked about me and you. He called you an asshole. Again. I sort of blew up on him and-"

"Because he called me an asshole?"

You shrugged. "It was a little more complicated than that."

"What changed his mind?"

You looked up, pressing your hands to his chest, only to find his heart racing ever so slightly. He was staring down at you in intense curiosity. You took a deep breath and shrugged once more. If this was even remotely an actual relationship, then you needed to be open with him. You needed to talk about it.

"He said I looked happy. Happier than I've been in a long time."

Javi swallowed, staying silent at your confession. He didn't know how to respond. He wasn't good at this. He knew that he liked you. He knew he liked whatever it was that the two of you had. He wanted more. The problem was that he didn't know if it was a good idea to get your hopes up. 

He was fairly certain that, if he did, he'd only let you down.

"Tell me what you're thinking, Javier."

His gaze was tortured as he stared back down at you, shrugging his shoulders. "I shouldn't be the one making you happy."

He was always like this. You'd push a little forward and he'd push right back. Reminding you that it hadn't been a good idea.

You weren't having it this time, sighing and looking up at him in defiance. "But you do. So, tell me what you're thinking. Tell me what you want out of this."

_Everything_.

The thought ran through his mind and he laughed it off quietly. Well, laughed it off until he was reminded of why he'd come here. Steve's voice ran through his mind, torturing him further with the advice he'd given earlier.

_Apologize for being an asshole and make sweet, sweet love to the most patient woman I've ever met in my life._

The mustached agent opened his mouth to respond, only to be interrupted by a rapid knocking at your front door. Your face morphed into a frown of confusion and you walked over to the banging. You didn't notice but, behind you, Javi had instinctively rested a hand on his gun. You didn't bother looking through the peephole and he thought he was going to explode. 

How could you _ever_ feel safe enough to open a door without knowing who was on the other side?

You opened the door to find Señora Rodriguez holding an empty bag of sugar. "Lo siento. ¿Tienes azúcar?"

You laughed and Javi smiled behind you, the familiar breathless sound making his chest constrict. "Hola, Señora Rodriguez. Sí, déjame ir a buscar un poco."

The woman's accent was thick when she spoke again. "Lo siento, Y/N. I always forget to speak in English."

You waved her off and trotted into the kitchen, quickly grabbing the bag off your counter. "It's okay. If I don't speak in Spanish sometimes I think I'll forget how. Then, I'll be disowned."

She let out a cackle and then turned her attention toward Javi, causing the man to give a polite smile and a nod. "This one's handsome, Y/N. Think you could find me one?"

You walked out of the kitchen to find her eyeing Javi and you laughed again, shaking your head. "I found you a man before. You dumped him, remember?"

"Terrible in the bedroom, really. Can I borrow this one? He's far better considering I can hear you through the walls."

She gave you a knowing look and your entire face broke out in a fierce red blush. "Sorry-"

She waved you off and grabbed the sugar from your hands. "Don't be, mija. Keep him."

_That was the plan. Well, if he'd allow it._

Javi shoved his hands in his pockets, not embarrassed in the slightest. In fact, he almost looked proud. He gave you a smirk and you rolled your eyes, walking the older woman to the door. She caught sight of the flowers on the table and gasped, leaning forward to peek at them.

"¡Qué hermoso!" She turned to Javi and wiggled a finger at him. "You got these from Karina. Expensive taste."

It was Javi's turn to be uncomfortable this time. He hadn't really wanted you to know what he'd spent on those flowers. They were stunning but he'd surely paid the price for it. Worth it? _Definitely_. The look on your face when you'd seen them and your delicate smile when you'd smelled them had surely made it worth it. Worth every damn penny. They'd been the most expensive flowers he'd ever bought, not that he'd bought many. Hopefully, you had no idea who Karina was.

Except, you did.

Best florist in town.

Your eyes widened and you turned back toward him, finding him staring at his shoes awkwardly. "Javi, you got these from the little shop a couple blocks away?"

He cleared his throat and nodded, shrugging nonchalantly. "Yeah."

"Buen trabajo."

You turned to find Señora Rodriguez, eyebrows raised, nodding her head. She gave a wave, and a thankful hug for the sugar, before leaving the two of you alone again. Javi was silent as you stared at him. You couldn't stop the wide smile that spread over your face. He kept surprising you and you adored it. He was shifting, scratching the back of his neck in silence.

You made the first move, taking the couple of steps toward him and snaking your arms around his head. "You're fucking incredible, you know that?"

Brown eyes widened at your use of his usual compliment and he laughed, shaking his head. "They're just flowers."

"They're beautiful, Javi. Absolutely stunning. The most beautiful flowers I've ever seen."

"Not as pretty as you."

His response was quick, solidifying the fact that it was genuine. He held your gaze and you ran your fingers through his messy hair. Pushing yourself up onto your toes, you pressed a long kiss to his lips. Then, another quick one to his cheek.

You pulled away with a grin. "Thank you. Also, thanks for bringing food. I'm starving."

He gave you a soft smile and nodded. "Let's eat then."

* * *

The empanadas had been delicious but Javi was beyond certain that you tasted better. Tongue running over your needy core, he groaned at the familiar taste. He'd been right all those months ago, on Christmas Eve. You tasted like sugarcane and he was addicted. 

More addicted to the taste of you than those cheap cigarettes he smoked.

You wiggled your hips, moaning loudly as he lapped at the folds. "Javi, please."

He pulled away, laughing softly and nodding in response to your desperate plea. "Alright, alright."

He brushed his mouth against you one last time, mustache brushing against your sensitive bud, and you cried out again. He was positive that he'd never get tired of that sound. Everything you did in response to him, he'd never bore of it. He wanted to be buried in you every second of every day. 

Especially now.

_Apologize for being an asshole and make sweet, sweet love to the most patient woman I've ever met in my life._

He couldn't get Steve's words out of his head. What was even worse? He couldn't get your words out of his head, either.

_I fucking love you._

It was a fluke. He knew that it had simply been an outburst in response to the food. You hardly ever went out of your way for those heavenly empanadas, so the sight of them had made you excited.

Still, he could shake the wanting for the words to be true.

He pulled away from your body, calloused fingertips brushing against your form as he took in the sight. Your underwear snapped back against your sensitive flesh and you let out a squeak. You were sprawled out on the bed, hair splaying out onto the sheets, and your cheeks were that gorgeous shade of red. Your lips, too. Brown eyes met your gaze and he smiled genuinely at you, coming to a conclusion about the night.

He was going to do it.

Javier Peña was going to make love to you.

You bit your lip, tugging at the swollen skin as you stared up at him in anticipation. That look you were giving him? It made him weak. He wanted to bury himself inside you and fuck you senseless. He couldn't, though. No. He needed to be slow and intimate this time. 

Everything he couldn't say to you, everything he couldn't comprehend himself, he wanted you to feel. He wanted you to feel him all the way from your aching pussy to your heaving chest. So, he took his time. His hands brushed the underside of your breasts, grazing over the red lace that you'd worn today. The bold color accentuated your slight tan, making you even more appealing if that were possible. He brushed his thumb across your nipples and relished in the noise you made in response. Then, he reached behind you and fiddled with the clasp, unhooking the fabric and pulling it slowly off of you.

"You wear the sexiest stuff under your clothes and I'll never get fucking tired of it."

You reached up, tugging him down by his shirt and crashing your lips into his. You moaned into his mouth as his hands moved further down your body, fingers hooking in the sides of your panties. The anticipation was killing you. You'd had sex with him so many times now and, somehow, you were still so desperate for it. For his touch. For him.

Your underwear was finally removed and he tossed them to the side, towering over you and pulling his jeans down. The sight of him, hard and ready, made you more desperate. You pushed your fingertips under his shirt and tugged it over his head, finally getting him as naked as you. The familiar trickle of a mustache brushed against your nose and you responded eagerly, slanting your mouth across his as he kissed you again.

They were soft, gentle kisses as he lined himself up. You could feel the head of him pressed up against your hot core and you wiggled again. He pressed his lips to yours once more and pushed slowly into you, making you gasp. He felt incredible, as per usual. The only difference? He was going slow. His pace wasn't a teasing kind of slow, either. 

It bordered on intimate and emotional.

His palm pressed against your cheek and he kept slowly thrusting as he pulled his mouth away from yours. "I'm sorry about yesterday."

You blinked, eyes widening to find him staring down at you. The sight made your heart thump loudly. He was giving you that look. That familiar look that made you feel like he wanted you in other ways besides just like this. That look that got your hopes up every time. That look that made you want to cry out of happiness. 

That look that always reminded you that you loved him.

"Javi-"

"I mean it. I'm sorry, hermosa. I got jealous. I took it out on you."

His other hand was gripping your hip gently, pulling you into him more as he pushed into you. You moaned, hand reaching up to brush against his cheek and grasp onto his hair. He kept the pace slow, kissing your forehead. 

You pulled him by the hair, making his gaze level with yours as you spoke. "I forgive you. Really."

Your words made him smile gratefully and he pressed his face into the crook of your neck, snapping his hips a little faster. You moaned loudly at the sensation and he did it again. It wasn't rushed by any means, only a little quicker to brush against you more. He trailed a line of kisses down your neck and to the swell of your breasts. The hand that had been on your cheek made its way to your waist, holding your body as he kissed you again. He swirled his tongue along your nipple, making you cry out again when he sucked lightly. 

"Javi-"

He nibbled gently on the flesh above the perky bud. "You told me no marks where people can see them. This okay?"

His voice was a mumble against your skin but you heard it clear as day. He wanted to mark you again. He wanted you to be reminded that he had touched you. He wanted you to think of him whenever you saw it. He wanted you to only think of him.

You forced your hips more firmly against him, grinding down as he pushed into you again, and you whimpered softly. "Yes. Please. Touch me. Kiss me. Leave a mark. I don't care. I'm yours."

He groaned at the words before sucking on your delicate skin. You cried out at the feeling and he pulled away, eyeing the reddish mark that adorned your breast. Then, he leaned forward again and repeated the action on the other side. He scattered hickeys across your chest, anywhere and everywhere he could reach. He wanted to mark you with loving bruises.

You were a masterpiece before but Javi wanted to paint you into an even more beautiful work of art.

When he pulled away again, your head was thrown back, back arched so that he could see his work. He groaned at the sight, balls tightening in that familiar way. He wasn't fucking you like usual. No. _This_ was making love. 

This was it and he could cum just from the sight of what he'd done to your perfect body.

You wrapped your legs around him and he thrusted harder, brushing against your clit and making you tighten around him. You were close, too. Javi groaned as your walls clenched around his throbbing cock. 

"I'm gonna cum, hermosa."

You gasped, one hand clenching at the sheets beneath you. "Me too. You feel _so_ good."

"Look at me."

His voice was a command and your eyes snapped open. The second you locked gazes, you could feel it. He spilled into you, grunting as he looked down at you. The sight and feeling of him finishing pushed you over the edge. You cried out, thighs wrapped tightly around his waist and toes curling as you orgasmed. You threw your head back, only to have it tilted back forward as he pressed plush lips against yours again. His tongue slipped into your mouth and you grasped his face, moaning into him. He'd kissed you before, right after sex, but this was something else.

It was almost an unspoken declaration. 

The agent brushed his lips against your forehead and then rested his own on yours. He stared down at you again, breath fanning over your lips. Neither of you said anything. You didn't need to.

He'd said he was going to let you go before, but he knew he'd never be able to. Javier Peña was in love with you and this was as close to a confession as he could give. Him staring down at you, holding your gaze and making no move to pull away, was it. 

Maybe, just maybe, he could keep you. With him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhhh this was such a fun chapter to write!! Also, it ended up being way longer than I intended but I doubt you guys mind XD I originally didn't have the part with her and Paola talking but it felt incomplete soooo now we have some girl talk to break it all up. This kinda feels like the climax of the story but idk...there's a lot we still need to explore. 
> 
> Also, I think I said there would be no bonus chapter this week but here we are! Lol you guys know I'm a big fat liar and I can't help myself. I'll see you guys Tuesday!
> 
> Side note: I almost forgot but I posted kinda a side part of this story separately. It's not a chapter in this but it's a part of the series. It's the Christmas party that came before this story. If you miss me during the next five days, feel free to go read it! Smooches~


	8. Commitment.

You woke up with a loud yawn, stretching out so that your sore muscles felt a little looser. You reached over to your end table, patting around until your fingers made contact with something metal. Not what you'd been looking for, but you picked it up anyway. Your eyes went wide when you saw what it was.

_A badge?_

Memories of last night came flooding back at you and you bit your lip, smiling softly. You could still feel the faint tickle of his mustache as he'd kissed your forehead last night. The phantom touch of his fingers as they'd run up and down your waist. The slight pain that had accompanied pleasure when he'd left his mark. The gentle thrust as he'd slowly fucked you.

_No_. Not fucked.

You couldn't think of a way to describe the intimacy that you'd felt last night, but it could hardly be considered fucking.

You pressed your fingertips to your lips, smiling again and slowly sitting up. The sheets fell down your form, exposing the bruising that littered your chest. The sight of it made your body hot again and you turned, only to find the spot beside you empty. Eyebrows furrowing, you chewed the inside of your cheek and pushed yourself out of bed, toward the closet. You pulled a light blue nightgown off the hanger, along with a fuzzy, white cardigan, and put both of them on before heading out of the room.

You heard the loud sound of cussing as you stepped into the kitchen. The sheer sight of what was before you nearly had you rolling. Javi's back was turned to you, jeans sinfully low on his hips as he cooked.

Well, as he _attempted_ to cook.

"Fucking hell. How do you know when it's done?"

The sound of another man's voice was staticky as it echoed through the small area. "Have you never made pancakes before, Javi?"

"No, Steve, I've never made fucking pancakes! Is it supposed to be white when I flip it?"

The corners of your eyes crinkled in silent laughter at his question. It was adorable, really. The sight of a grown man trying to make breakfast and failing miserably. Especially since that grown man was Javier Peña. 

"No, it's not supposed to be white! It should be a light tan. I said wait 'til it bubbles. Fucking idiot."

"So it should look like me? Not you?"

"Fuck you. Fuck you, but yes."

"Okay."

"Okay? Can I hang up now? I was trying to sleep when your dumb ass called."

"You said make her breakfast, Steve! You didn't tell me how!"

"Maybe because I had this stupid idea that you were a normal human being and knew how to cook breakfast. Christ, Javi, what the hell do you eat in the morning?"

You watched as his bare shoulders shook with silent laughter. "Pussy. That's what I fucking eat, Steve."

You heard the blonde groan through the receiver. "Fucking gross. I still can't get the sound of that out of my head. I swear I'm gonna hear _'Ever had it up the ass?'_ 'til the day I fucking die."

Your eyes widened in shock and you left the idea of surprising him behind, letting out a screech. "What?!"

"The fuck?!"

The pan went flying, clattering to the floor in a mess of partially cooked batter. Thankfully, the hot skillet didn't hit him at all as Javi whipped around to stare at you in shock. The two of you stayed like that for a second, gazes locked in mutual surprise.

You spoke first, eyes narrowed at the phone on the counter as you yelled. "Steve, did you hear us the other day?!"

You could hear him coughing in discomfort. "U-Uh, hey, Y/N! Could you help Javi make these damn pancakes? He's hope-"

"Answer the fucking question, Murphy, or I swear on my mother that I will torture you more than Pablo Escobar could ever fucking dream."

"Hermosa-"

You glared at Javi, immediately silencing him, and turned your attention back to the other agent's voice. "Murphy. Answer. Ahora."

"It's not my fucking fault! Your dumbass of a fucking boyfriend didn't hang up and he dropped the fucking phone right next to you! I hung up right after the ass thing! I fucking swear!"

_Boyfriend?_

The mustached agent in your kitchen grumbled in annoyance and yanked the phone off the counter. "You should've hung up earlier, asshole. Go get your damn beauty rest."

He clicked the button to hang up and ran a hand over his face, frustration evident on his handsome features. You wanted to be pissed. You wanted to yell at him about not hanging up the phone properly the other day. 

You also wanted to yank off those damn jeans and have your way with him.

Instead, you took a few steps towards him, watching as he pulled his hand away and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Look, I swear I thought I hung-"

You pressed a finger to his lips, shaking your head and being careful not to step on the splattered mess on the floor. "I have _one_ question."

His response was a mumble against your finger. "Okay."

You pulled your hand away and smiled, glancing down at the mess on the floor and then locking gazes with him again. "Did you wake up early just to make me breakfast?"

He shifted his gaze, scratching at his jaw in that familiar nervous way. "Yeah. Couldn't even make fucking pancakes."

His admission of defeat made your chest tighten and you beamed up at him. "You, Javier Peña, are fucking incredible."

He gave you a look, a single brow raising. "Huh?"

"I said you're incredible."

"But I dropped the pancake on the floor. I just made a mess in your kitchen for no reason."

"Oh, you failed miserably. Pancakes should never be white. It should never be as pale as Steve's dumb ass. It should look a little tan and very delicious, just like you."

"Delicious, huh?"

You nodded, smiling slyly as you pushed yourself onto your toes to give him a kiss. "Very delicious."

He groaned against your mouth, hands settling on the satin that covered your waist as he pulled away. "You were naked when I left you. Where'd this sexy little number come from?"

Peering up at him through your lashes, you ran the tip of your tongue across your lower lip. "You like?"

You took a step back, still avoiding the mess, and did a little twirl, letting the cardigan drop down your shoulders. Your nipples were hard, straining against the soft, periwinkle fabric. The sight had clearly captured Javi's attention, and you followed his gaze down to your chest. Then, you remembered. The marks.

He lifted his hand, thumb brushing across the dusting of love bites. "You look fucking amazing."

"Want the usual breakfast instead?" His brows furrowed at your question and you giggled, leaning in to whisper in his ear. "Pussy, Javi. I'm asking if you-"

"Back in the bed. Fuck pancakes."

You let out a squeak, followed by a giggle, as he spun you around and swatted you on the ass. You hopped over the pile of raw pancake and ran to the bedroom. He was right behind you, grabbing you by the waist and collapsing onto the bed with you. 

His lips pressed against your heaving chest and he sucked on one of the purplish marks, making you gasp. "Javi."

"I'm thinking of a number between one and a hundred, hermosa."

Calloused fingers tugged at the thin satin and he pulled the material down slightly, exposing your chest. He flattened his tongue, pressing it to your nipple, and you moaned. Your fingers tugged at his hair as he nibbled gently on the sensitive bud.

"Javi-"

"Pick a number."

You gasped as his other hand pushed the bottom of your nightgown up, the pads of his fingers ghosting over your thigh. "Sixty-nine?"

You could feel his smirk against your skin and he nodded. "Good girl. I want my breakfast first, though. I'm gonna lay down and you're gonna wrap those pretty thighs around me and sit on my face."

His demand made your pussy throb and you whined as he kept littering your chest with more hickeys. "Javi."

"Gonna make you say my name all fucking day, hermosa."

He pulled away and rolled onto his back, raising an eyebrow in a silent challenge. The mere idea of what he'd asked made your face heat up. You'd never done it before. You'd never pressed the most intimate part of you to someone's face like that. 

With Javi, though, you _really_ wanted to.

"You'll tell me if I'm suffocating you, right?"

The question was a silent whisper and the agent laughed in response, smacking a hand on his face. "Fucking hell, you kill me."

Your cheeks were bright red. "Stop laughing! I'm serious!"

"Get over here and sit on my fucking face, hermosa."

You nodded shyly and crawled toward him, stopping when you were next to his head. You knelt beside his cheek and he wasted no time, grabbing your hips and making you squeak in surprise as he pulled you into him. 

"Javi!"

"Louder, hermosa. Say it louder."

He had you straddling his face and he gripped your thighs tightly, burying his face between them. You let out a loud moan, hands smacking the wall as you held yourself up. He sucked your clit into his mouth, making you buck your hips in response, and he groaned against you. The vibration made your pussy throb and he lapped roughly at the folds. 

"Javi!"

Your hips jerked again, fingernails scratching at the paint as you moved. Rough hands gripped you tighter and he pushed you up a bit, pulling his mouth away from you. He nibbled lightly on the sensitive flesh of your inner thigh and smirked as you caught your breath. Then, he smacked your ass roughly.

"Louder, hermosa. I want that lady next door to know how much you like riding my face."

He pulled you back down and you instinctively moved again, hips rolling as he licked a long stripe across your center. You loved it, you really did, but it wasn't enough. You bucked your hips again, pressing your palm flat against the wall and whining.

"Javi, please. I want to taste you."

He groaned against you again and gave your bottom another, lighter smack. "Anything you want, hermosa. Fuck, I'll give you anything."

You weren't embarrassed anymore, only desire coursing through your veins as you moved. You turned yourself around, licking your lips as your face came level with the bulge in his pants. You ran a fingers softly across his straining erection, reveling in the sound of another groan behind you. His breath fanned across your sensitive core and you gasped, eagerly unzipping his jeans and freeing his hard cock.

You spread your thighs further apart, exposing yourself to him more, and you gripped the base of him in your hand. Stroking him firmly, you flattened your tongue and ran it across the top of him. You gasped loudly as he sucked your clit into his mouth once more and you dipped your head low, wrapping your lips around him. You bobbed your head, hollowing your cheeks and sucking gently. His hips jerked in response, cock hitting the back of your throat and causing you to gag slightly.

You moaned in response and he gripped your ass, diving his tongue deeper into your pussy. He wiggled the muscle inside you, the sounds of slurping only intensifying your arousal. You could barely focus, mind in a haze as he continued his assault on your aching core. Still, you wanted to make him feel as good as he was making you feel. 

You lifted your mouth off him, letting a trickle of spit drip from your lips and onto the tip of him. Your hand tightened slightly, tugging upward as you brushed your thumb just under his head. He jerked hips hips in response and you bit your lip, smirking at the glorious discovery. Leaning forward again, you licked the same sensitive area and received a groan this time.

"Fuck. You're gonna make me cum like that."

You let out an airy laugh and sucked on him again, making sure to run the tip of your tongue along that delicate part of his cock. His grip on your ass tightened, spreading you wider, and you bucked your hips against his mouth. 

So close. You were so close.

Hand trailing from the base of him, you gently massaged the taught skin of his balls and took him as deep into your throat as you could. You'd done it before. You knew it would push him over the edge. 

He knew it, too.

Javi bucked his hips upward, brown eyes rolling back as you sucked him, and he cussed loudly. He was close. He was close but he wanted you to finish, so he suckled on your clit and moved one hand downward from your ass. Deft fingers made their way inside your wet core and you moaned around him, pushing yourself deeper into his fingers. Curling the digits inside you, he had you gasping for air as you continued. 

One hand still massaging his balls, you gripped the sheets tightly with the other as you came. Your legs were shaking, lower body only held up by his firm grasp. It didn't take him long to finish after that. You hollowed your cheeks, running your tongue across that little vein again, and he bit down on your thigh.

"Fuck!"

The spot was tender as he let go, probably bruised with an imprint of his teeth, but you didn't care. You were basking in the aftermath of orgasm, greedily gulping down his cum as it spurted down your throat. You'd never much cared for swallowing, but for Javi you'd do it every time. 

He tasted so good. In a way that only Javi could.

You pulled your mouth off him, coughing lightly as you took in some air, and then rested your head against his clothes thigh. The embarrassed part of you wanted to pull away. To get off him so that he wasn't staring at your quivering pussy anymore. The content part of you couldn't care less. 

Besides, if he really minded then he would've pushed you off himself.

Instead, he was pressing tiny kisses to your inner thigh and swirling his tongue across that aching bruise. He pulled his fingers out of you and you could hear him suck on the digits, the filthy sound making you moan. 

"Javi."

"Best breakfast I've ever fucking had, hermosa."

You laughed against his leg. "Me too. Best salchicha in town."

That comment earned you a firm slap on the behind and you giggled loudly, finally pulling off him and rolling over. You stared up at the ceiling, eyes threatening to close. You felt the agent shift beside you and, soon enough, he was draping the sheets over your glowing body and turning on the bed so he could lay beside you. 

He tucked himself back into the denim and pulled you into his arms, rubbing mindless circles across your shoulder. "You tired?"

You shook your head against him and then peeked up, only to find him already looking down at you. "Not tired. Just happy."

_Happy_. 

There was that word again.

The sheer mention of your happiness made his chest tighten. He didn't quite know how to describe it. It wasn't quite a nauseous feeling, but more so a fluttering within him. He liked it, though. A lot. Probably too much.

He liked a lot of things with you.

Your lips brushed the skin of his shoulder and the corner of his mouth lifted in a half smile. "Hey, Javi?"

His thumb brushed along the satin that was still covering your body and he hummed. "Yeah?"

"Do you want to go get breakfast?"

The question made his eyes widen and he laughed. "Salchicha not fill you up enough? I can fix that."

You groaned at the suggestion, but opted to shake your head. "Later. Right now, I'm actually hungry. Aren't you?"

"I could go for some coffee."

"There's a little café around the corner that makes good huevos pericos and an even better cup of coffee."

He raised a brow. "Better than your coffee?"

You nodded, smirking in response. "Better coffee than I make. Better cream than you make."

He laughed and pinched your waist. "Doubt that, hermosa. You like the cream I make."

You licked your lips absentmindedly and giggled. "That I do."

* * *

You pushed a forkful of eggs into your mouth, eyeing the man carefully as he sipped his coffee. You kept your gaze on him, watching carefully as he eyed everyone in the little café. There was a certain skepticism in his watching, a tension in his fingers as he gripped the cup.

"Are you this antsy everywhere you go?"

The question pulled him away from his perceptive nature and he stared back at you with wide eyes. "Huh?"

Setting the fork down with a clink, you rested your chin in your palm. "Do you watch everyone like this? When you go out."

Javi thought about the question carefully. It had caught him off guard. No one had ever asked him about the way he shifted in public. The way he sometimes instinctively reached for the gun tucked in the back of his jeans. The way his gaze flickered around even empty rooms beneath those aviators he wore. The way his shoulders tensed in crowds.

The way he was always on guard, even around you.

It was in the way he held back. The way he'd get closer to you, only to pull away. 

Every fiber of his being was always cautious.

He set the cup down, staring deep into the darkness of the liquid. "It's part of the job. Instinct, I guess."

"I'm not judging you, Javi. I swear. Just curious. I mean, you're a damn good agent and I know that it's your job to keep an eye on your surroundings, it's just-"

You bit your lip, contemplating your words, but he wasn't patient. "It's just what?"

"Do you ever get to relax? I mean, really relax?"

"Sometimes, when I'm-"

_With you._

Your heart was thumping loudly against your chest and you could feel the gravity of the silence. It weighed on you. It made your stomach queasy, flipping the eggs you'd just eaten around. 

"You need a vacation, Javi."

He laughed emotionlessly, reminding you that he was far too important a man to simply run off on a whim. "I've got a job to do, hermosa. Can't just run off whenever I feel like it."

"I know. After? Maybe, if you finish this thing before May, you can come-"

The words died in your throat again as you watched his eyes widen. He wasn't giving you that look you adored. No. The look on his face was of a man that was on guard again. He was wary and it broke your heart.

The sound of a phone ringing saved him from letting you down again, though he already had, and he immediately answered it. "Peña."

You'd never seen him so hurriedly answer a call. So desperate for a distraction from you. You didn't even try to hide the disappointment, pushing the eggs around aimlessly on your plate as he stood up. He took the call outside, not even bothering to apologize for the interruption. You took a second to sit in silence. 

_Alone_. 

Sometimes, Javi did things that reminded you just how alone you really were.

Especially, when you were together.

Because, even when you were with him, you were never _really_ with him.

The waitress came over and you handed her money, not even bothering to look at the check. She left only for a minute before returning with your change. You gave her a forced smile and pushed yourself out of your seat, the screeching of the metal near deafening in your blank mind. You walked out of the café, only to find Javi leaned forward into the passenger side window of a car. You recognized the familiar face of Steve in the driver seat. He must have seen you over the shoulder of his partner, because he nodded and you watched your breakfast date turn around in surprise. 

You didn't smile. You didn't frown. You kept your face blank. You prepared yourself for the familiarity of him letting you down.

"Hey, Y/N! Sorry about interrupting, but I gotta steal your-"

_Boyfriend?_

_No_. You and Javi weren't together.

Because, again, even when you were with Javi, you were never _really_ with him.

You interrupted him before he could finish. "I get it. Duty calls. I'll see you guys when I see you."

You waved at the agents and started your trek home. You didn't turn back. You didn't want to. You didn't want to hide another frown. You didn't want to see the familiar clench of Javi's jaw as he debated what to say. You didn't want to see the apologetic look in Steve's eyes.

You didn't want to play pretend anymore.

You'd known from the very beginning that Javier Peña had the ability to destroy you. The biggest disappointment? That you hadn't thought of the possibility that it had been your fault all along.

You'd let yourself fall in love with a man that would never let himself love you back.

* * *

"You know she knows, right?"

Javi watched curiously as you swiftly made your way down the sidewalk, vanishing on a side street that would lead you home. "Knows what?"

"That you won't give her what she wants. You're too fucking stubborn, Javi."

Brown eyes flickered back inside the car and he locked eyes with his partner, vaguely recognizing the disappointment in Steve's gaze. He didn't say anything at first, opening the passenger side door and sliding into the seat. They drove for about fifteen minutes, in complete silence, before the blonde spoke again.

"Why'd you do it?"

The older agent let out a wisp of smoke, turning and cocking a brow. "Why'd I do what?"

"Take my advice. Why'd you listen to what I said if you were just gonna let her down again?"

"You're the one that showed up at breakfast, asshole."

The blonde let out a laugh, shaking his head. "Maybe, but you were itchin' to leave. I just have good timing. What'd she say to get you all rattled?"

"She didn't say anything."

"Bullshit. What'd she ask you?"

Javi ran a hand under his jaw, staring straight ahead. "I think she was about to ask me to go on that yearly vacation she takes to Hawaii. If we caught Escobar before May."

Steve whistled. "Damn. The one with her whole family? That's commitment."

_Commitment_. 

_I'm not a relationship kinda guy, hermosa. Too busy. Selfish. Not good at commitment._

"I don't do that, Steve."

"Then prove it. Let her go. Don't try to make her shitty pancakes. Don't bring her flowers. Quit acting like her boyfriend if you don't wanna be. Let her fucking go. She looks miserable, Javi."

"Miserable?"

The blonde nodded, pulling a hand off the wheel to point his fingers toward those baby blues. "Dead in the eyes. She didn't even try to fake a smile. I think you finally broke her, man."

Did he? Did Javi break you? Was everything he did last night and this morning a mistake? Had any of his attempts to fix things with you actually helped?

_No_.

None of it had helped because he knew he was too reluctant to give you what you wanted. He'd thought he was chasing the same feeling as you but he wasn't. He was still keeping you at arm's length, never quite letting you in enough to really be together. He'd give you a taste of the emotions he felt, but he'd never admit to them. He'd never fully act on them.

He'd never let himself have what he wanted. 

He didn't deserve you.

"I said I was gonna let her go."

"But you didn't. You love her, Javi. I believe that. Know what else I believe? Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can be with them. You told her you don't want a relationship but then you do all this sappy shit that you don't do for anyone else. The words gotta match the actions, man. Either be _with_ her, or don't. Quit torturing her."

"How'd you do it with Connie?"

The question caught the blonde off guard and, as he pulled the car over, he leaned his head back against the seat. "Honestly? I had Connie way before this mess with Escobar. I think that's how I did it. Look at us now. She's not even in the same country as me. It was easier when I was chasing small fish. I had the time. I had the ability to give her the pieces of me that no one else got. Now? Fucking Pablo Escobar and the DEA have our souls. It ain't a fair comparison, Javi. I had the time. You don't. Maybe, if you'd met her before all of this-"

"Yeah, I fucked up. Should've just asked her out when we met her."

"You liked her back then, too. She thought you were fuckin' around but you've always had an eye for Y/N. Before that party. Before all of this."

Brown eyes stared solemnly at the dashboard and the older agent let out an empty laugh. It was ironic, really. Pablo Escobar had been the one to bring the two of you together. Now? He was what was pushing you apart. 

No. Not Escobar. Javi was the only one really keeping you separated. He was too deep in this to give himself to you. He didn't have enough to give anymore. He wanted to. Desperately. 

He wanted what Steve and Connie had. 

He wanted to come home to you every night. Make dinner. Watch TV. Talk about your day. Kiss you. Make love to you. 

All of it.

The problem? Steve and Connie didn't even have that anymore. If this war had been enough to tear apart a strong marriage, then what would it do to whatever you and Javi had going? The two of you weren't strong enough to withstand that. _He_ wasn't strong enough.

Nothing Javi did to keep you was ever going to be good enough. 

He heaved a sigh, lighting a cigarette and nodding his head toward the base. "Messina need us?"

Steve nodded. "Never a day off, I swear."

"Why'd she call us in?"

"Carrillo's back. Got a feeling shit's about to get messy again."

_Messy. Great._

If he wasn't sure before, he definitely was now, Javi _really_ needed to let you go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves! Hopefully you've all had a good week. I've been working on the ending for this story the last couple days and oof there's a lot coming. As we can see, soft Javi is an absolute angel. A stupid, hopeless angel. Originally I had different ideas for the start of this chapter but I had so much fun writing soft Javi last chapter that I had to bring him back for at least part of this one. Hopefully you guys enjoyed it! Also, hopefully you enjoyed the filth that followed XD
> 
> I'll probably be back on Thursday with another chapter. I've had the next one written since like the very beginning of writing this story. I just had to piece the in between chapters together first. Carrillo is back and I think we all remember how Javi was after that...............
> 
> See you soon! Smooches~


	9. The Badge.

Javi's shirt stuck to his skin, damp with a cold sweat as he sat in the car. His fingers were wrapped tightly around the wheel, knuckles turning white as he clenched his hands. He'd already tried smoking, taking deep breaths, and even drinking. Nothing had helped. So, he sat parked outside your house at two in the morning.

He could still see the blood splattered all over the ground. Chunks of that teen's brains painting the concrete as four more kids had sat, no doubt pissing themselves, beside the dead body. The image had made him nauseous before and it hadn't gotten any better since. He hadn't expected it. Javi had always known the Colonel to be heartless when it came to anyone that worked with Escobar. He'd known full well that Steve had been right. Working with Colonel Horacio Carrillo was messy. Still, seeing it didn't make the agent feel any better.

Carrillo had made his point. Escobar was going to pay. Anyone that worked for Escobar was also in the crossfire. 

Even children.

No one was coming out of this war unscathed.

Taking another deep breath in, he reached into the middle console and grabbed his pack of cigarettes. He'd gone through one already, a third of it right after Steve had asked him what happened. Pulling a smoke out, he put it between his lips and reached into his pocket to grab his lighter.

The item made him stop for a second.

_Javi._

The engraving was still as good as new, etched deeply into the side of the metal. It had been a good couple of months and he was honestly impressed he hadn't lost it yet. Then again, he kept it on him all the time. The mere sight of it soothed him sometimes, and it was working on serving that purpose again. He didn't know how to describe it. How to explain that this small, silver lighter put him at ease.

Probably just because it reminded him of you.

Sighing heavily, he lit the stick of nicotine and reached for his phone. It was the middle of the night and, though he was already parked outside your house, he didn't want to knock if you were sleeping. He'd run the risk of waking your neighbor's dog and then you'd probably never hear the end of it. Dialing your number from memory, he held the phone to his ear as he kept smoking.

It rang four times before you answered. "Hello?"

Your voice sounded sleepy and he immediately regretted his actions. He should've just gone home. He should've stayed there and had another glass of whiskey to rid his mind of the atrocities he'd witnessed. Sighing, he pulled the phone away and went to hang up.

That is, until he heard your voice again. "Javi? Is that you?"

He leaned his head back against the seat and rubbed his temples. "Sorry, hermosa. Didn't realize what time it was."

You were quiet for a second and he almost wondered if you'd fallen asleep. "What's wrong?"

You had become far too good at reading him. You had this way of knowing whenever his days were particularly rough. Then, if he came over, you'd make him some dinner and pour him a glass of scotch while you let him vent. Sometimes, you'd just sit there in silence because he didn't want to talk about it. You never pressed the issues. You only ever asked him for what he was comfortable sharing, never pinning him with an accusing gaze.

He'd grown to really like that about you.

Still, you could sense when something was off so he sighed again. "Can I come in?"

He'd been so zoned out that he hadn't noticed your figure on the other side of his window until you tapped on the glass. Tired eyes shifted toward you and he sighed, hanging up the phone and taking another puff. You moved back, arms wrapped around yourself, and he opened his car door. 

"Sorry it's so late."

He stepped out, shirt clinging to his damp skin as he closed the door. You took a slow step forward and pulled the cigarette out of his hands, dropping it to the ground to crush it with your sandal. Then, you wrapped your arms around him and laid your head on his chest.

"Told you, Javi. Anytime. Don't apologize."

He let out a humorless laugh, "That was for sex, hermosa. Not-"

"Either way. Come on, let's go inside."

You brushed off his cold response, opting not to think too hard about it. Instead, you peered up at him to find a faraway look on his face. He looked tired. More than usual. Your brows furrowed and you instinctively pushed yourself onto your toes to press a kiss to his lips. He didn't respond, so you tightened your hold on him and pressed another peck to his cheek. 

"Javi, what's wrong?"

He wrapped his arms around your waist and pressed his face into your hair. "Don't wanna talk about it tonight. How was your day?"

You shrugged, "Okay. Nothing exciting. I spilled coffee all over Eddy's shirt because he scared the shit out of me."

Javi smiled softly into your hair. "I'd pay to see that. Can you reenact it for me?"

You pulled out of his grasp to give him an annoyed look. "Absolutely not. I felt so bad. Paola just got him that striped tie, too."

He raised an eyebrow and the two of you started for the house. "The ugly teal and purple one?"

You snorted, smacking him lightly on the arm as you opened the door. "You're terrible, Javi."

"You didn't say I was wrong."

"I said you were terrible. Not that I was blind. The thing is absolutely awful and I did him a favor. Paola is sweet but I'm starting to wonder if she's colorblind."

The agent laughed, this time genuinely, as you closed the door behind him. You'd come outside to meet him in a long cardigan, wrapped tightly around you. Now that you were inside, the cardigan was off and he got to see what you were actually wearing. He'd never gotten to see what you slept in before. He would usually leave you at your house before falling asleep. He didn't stay over anymore. Hadn't in a little while. Not since he'd left you at breakfast that one morning.

This time, he got to see a different side of you.

You had glasses on, completely out of the norm for you. He'd never known you to wear them. Your shorts were extremely short, bordering on underwear, and they were a navy blue. Your top was thin and white, cropped just below your bust, and he was certain that if you lifted your arms he'd catch a nice view. Not that he needed you to. He could clearly make out your nipples through the sheer material. 

He wasn't turned on, but the sight of you so comfortable stirred something inside him.

He took off his jacket, setting it down on your dining room table and running a hand through his hair. "Sorry I'm here so late."

You glanced over your shoulder and gave him a slight glare. "What did I tell you about apologizing? It's fine. I'm off tomorrow, so I can afford to mess up my sleep schedule."

You stepped toward him and grabbed his hand, leaving your fingers in his and pulling him forward. You couldn't see him, but he smiled at the warmth of your hand in his. It was a welcomed distraction and a nice change from the cold he'd felt all night. He squeezed your hand gently and you stilled in the doorway of your room, craning your neck to look at him.

"Javi-"

"Don't ask. Please."

The desperation in his voice concerned you, but you nodded in agreement. Whatever it was that was bothering him was bad enough for him to come to you in the middle of the night. That, in and of itself, should have told you he was struggling with something. Something painful. He wore a tortured frown and you sighed, pulling him into the room and turning back to him. 

You pulled your hand from his and reached out toward his torso. You slowly undid the buttons of his collared shirt and pushed it off his shoulders. Then, you reached for his belt, only to be stopped by a calloused hand.

"I didn't come here for that, you know."

You looked up at him through your frames and parted your lips. "Will it help?"

Your fingers were still on the metal of his buckle and the two of you stayed like that for a while. He didn't respond. You supposed that maybe it was because he genuinely wasn't sure if sex would distract him. Either that, or maybe he'd been surprised that you'd offer it solely as that. A distraction. It wasn't like you. If you were going to have sex, it was usually for pleasure and intimacy. He'd known that from the start.

Then again, he'd caused a bit of a rift the last time he'd come over. 

He had that faraway look on his face again and you took that as an answer. He needed something to get him out of his head. If your body could be that something, then by all means you were going to try. You undid the buckle and pulled it from the loops on his jeans. Then, you unbuttoned the denim and slowly pushed it down to the floor. 

He was still in a zone, so you bit your lip and ran your hands along his torso. Lightly raking your nails over his midsection, you leaned forward to place a few small kisses on his chest. Then, you dropped lower until your knees almost touched the floor. 

He chose that exact moment to break out of his trance. "Stop. Not tonight. Let me touch you."

Your eyes widened and he pushed you gently onto the bed. "Javi, I just want to help."

A hand ran over his face and he sighed. "I know, hermosa. Let me touch you this time. Let me feel you."

You'd never asked him questions about the difficult parts of his job. You'd always been curious, though. Intrigued by the heavy look that he and Steve usually wore. The fight against Escobar, among other things, had obviously taken its toll. Javi always looked tired. 

Tonight, he looked _miserable_.

You swallowed thickly, eyes gazing up at him to find him looking at you. Looking at you, but not _really_ looking at you. He was lost in his head. This wasn't going to fix that. Letting him touch you and distract himself wasn't going to take away the pain. 

Still, if you could help for even a fraction of a second, you would.

You nodded slowly and whispered, "Okay."

The corner of his mouth gave a quick upturn, a silent thanks, and you stayed seated on the edge of your bed. He bent down, grabbing his jeans from where you'd dropped them, and pulled them up. When he did so, his badge fell out. The gleam of the metal caught your attention and you reached down to grab it. Running your fingers across the DEA emblem, you smiled at the thought that him being an agent was what had brought you together. 

Two messed up individuals, constantly lost in their own heads but finding some sort of comfort in each other.

You stood up and went to hand it back to him, only to find his jaw clenched. He was staring at the badge, as if it had scorned him somehow, and you'd never seen the look on his face before. You'd never seen him with such disdain for an inanimate object. You stopped your reach and he came the rest of the way, roughly grabbing it from your palm and flinging it across the room.

Your eyes widened, "Javi, that's important."

"No, it's not. It's a piece of fucking metal."

The anger in his voice shook you and you stood back up, resting your hands on his cheeks. "I never ask. I know you don't want me to."

He averted his gaze. "So don't."

You shook your head, concern etched into your features again. "I've never seen you like this, Javi. Talk to me."

He huffed and pulled away, grabbing his discarded shirt and putting his arms through the holes. He grabbed the leather belt off the floor and quickly ran it through the loops of his jeans. Then, he ran a hand through his hair again and turned back toward you. The look on your face made him still. You weren't angry at him. No. Instead, tears had collected at the corners of your tired eyes and your brows were furrowed. Your lips were pressed together in a tight frown and you took a deep breath. The two of you stayed like that for a while, staring at each other in silence, and you were the first to speak.

You were trying so hard to not let this thing with Javi get to you. Trying not to hope for more. You knew he was committed to the job. You knew it had overcome his entire life. Still, you couldn't help but care.

You just couldn't let him go.

Your voice was quiet. "I'm worried about you."

"Then stop asking about it."

His voice was rough and you shook your head. "No. If I don't ask, then you carry it on your own. Talk to me and we can figure it out together."

_Together_.

The word made him think. It weighed heavier on his mind than what he had seen tonight. Was that what the two of you were? Together? _No_. He couldn't have that. You didn't deserve the torture that came from being with a man like him. You deserved the world, of that he was certain. You'd told him before that you didn't care. 

_A white picket fence doesn't suit you. Know what does? Jumping into action head first and thinking about it later._

This was him, thinking about it after the fact. You'd called him impulsive before and you hadn't been wrong. He was. You deserved better than impulsive. You deserved a man that would treat you right. That would take you on dates and spend the night just holding you.

Not someone who would show up at your door at two in the morning. Not someone so broken. Not someone who had seen and done terrible things.

All for what? That stupid hunk of metal laying on your carpet?

Your voice broke him from his thoughts. "Tell me what you're thinking, Javier. You're in your own head. Don't walk away. Talk and I'll listen."

"You don't need that, hermosa. Trust me."

"But _you_ do."

His gaze snapped to yours and you stood defiantly in front of him. The tears were gone and now you stood staring him down. You weren't going to let him leave. He could tell.

You cared. Probably too much.

He sighed heavily, squeezing his eyes shut. "Carrillo is back."

"I know. I filed the paperwork for Eddy. Brought copies that night I came by. Pinzón gave his resignation after what happened at the police station in Medellín."

"He's itching to catch Escobar. To kill him."

"Javi, I don't understand. Isn't that a good thing? Carrillo is rough, sure, but he took down Pablo's cousin. His help is-"

"He fucking shot a kid. He shot a kid in the head and fucking handed a bullet to another."

You stilled, staying silent as he told you the truth. You'd always known that Carrillo's tactics were less than desirable. Thing was, you couldn't fault the man. Disgusting? Sure. No better than what Pablo did, but also no worse. He provided results. 

Pablo feared him and that fear was what the government needed to take him down.

Still, hearing that he'd shot a child in cold blood made your skin crawl. The kid had no doubt been working with Escobar, but it still made you nauseous. What made you more nauseous? The fact that Javi had witnessed it and it was killing him. You knew he was probably replaying the moment on a loop in his tortured mind. No wonder he'd thrown his badge so carelessly onto the floor. The guilt was eating away at him.

Your heart ached.

You took a step forward and rested your palms on his cheeks again. His eyes opened to stare at you, torture evident in his chocolate orbs. You brushed a stray hair off his forehead and gave him a soft smile. A silent apology, though you hadn't been the one to hurt him. Then, you pushed yourself forward to press a gentle kiss to his lips.

You whispered against his mouth. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Javi. I know that doesn't make it better. It doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make you stop thinking about it. I don't know what will. I don't know a fraction of what you carry, but I'll help in any way I can. Say the word. Anything."

You pressed another kiss to his plush lips, trailing a few more pecks across his smooth cheeks. Then, being mindful of your glasses, you pressed your forehead to his and closed your eyes, taking a deep breath. He exhaled from his nose and leaned forward, capturing your lips once more. His hand came up to rest on your cheek, pulling you closer to him as he kissed you. You instinctively parted your lips for him and he wasted no time diving his tongue into your mouth.

It was a slow, relaxed kiss. 

It didn't lack passion by any means, but it was gentle all the same. You moaned into him and his other hand snaked around your waist before dipping lower to sneak under your waistband. He palmed the flesh of your bottom and took a step forward to push your back onto the bed. He pulled away from your mouth and pressed kisses to your neck, pulling your sleep shorts down. You gasped as the cold air hit your hot core, only to cry out when he ran his fingers across your entrance.

Face still buried into the crook of your neck, he gently parted your lower lips and pushed his index finger into you. You shivered, moaning quietly as he touched you slowly. He added another finger, pressing the pad of his thumb against your clit and making you cry out.

You wanted to ask for more. To beg him to fuck you like he usually did. You couldn't, though. He needed this and you forced yourself not to be selfish. 

He pressed his lips to your temple and your cheeks flushed at the delicate touch, a far cry from how he usually acted. Then, he pressed his lips to your forehead as he used his thumb to rub small circles onto the tight bundle of nerves. He kept at it for a little while, switching up the amount of pressure he put into your clit and making you move your hips against his hand. He curled the fingers inside of you and you let out a loud cry, body hot with need. Your nipples were hard against the thin material of your shirt, skin flushed as he fingered you. 

The intimacy alone was going to send you over the edge. 

Breath coming out in short gasps, your eyes were shut as he continued. You almost missed the tickle of his mustache as he brushed his lips against yours. You didn't, though. You reached a hand up as he hovered over you, running your fingers through his hair and kissing him again.

You were close and he could tell by the way your hips rolled against his hand. Your whimpers were more frequent and he sped up slightly, pressing his thumb down harder. That pushed you over the edge. You kissed him one last time and cried out loudly, hand fisting in his hair as he forced you to ride your orgasm out. He pressed a couple more circles into your clit and your entire body shook in the aftermath.

He pressed his forehead against yours again and the two of you stayed like that for a moment. 

He was first to speak this time. "Didn't know you wear glasses."

You let out a quiet laugh, "I usually don't. Only need them to see at night. The streetlights suck so I had to put them on to find you out there."

"You didn't wear them on Christmas."

The reminder of the messy day made you sigh and you nodded. "I was pissed. I didn't want to come back to the room to grab them so I drove kind of blind. There was just barely enough light to make me not crash."

His fingers were still inside you so, when you moved, you let out a quiet noise. Your eyes opened to find him already staring down at you, gazing at you as if you were something precious. Your cheeks flushed under his stare and you became slightly self conscious.

"I can take them off-"

"I like them. You look cute."

_Cute?_

You weren't sure if that was a word you'd ever wanted Javier Peña to use to describe you, but it felt heartfelt so you took it. 

You smiled up at him and leaned forward, pressing another kiss to his lips. "Thanks."

He hummed in response and pulled away from you, fingers pulling out and making you gasp. He stood up and you watched as his hands reached for his zipper again. He gave you a look, silently asking the question and you nodded. The jeans fell down his legs again and he pulled your bottom to the edge of the bed. 

He entered you swiftly, groaning as your wetness surrounded him. Having just finished, your pussy was drenched and squeezing him in a way he'd yet to experience. You threw your head back as he thrusted, still sensitive from your orgasm. It was unlike anything you'd ever felt. He rolled his hips slowly, hands gripping your ass as he moved. It still wasn't rushed. Not fast or hard like he usually was.

Instead, it was methodical and languid. He'd pull out fully, only his tip touching you, and then he'd push back in until you were full again. The slow motion had you arching your back, shirt riding up so that your breasts were exposed. One of your arms reached above your head, fingers clutching at the sheets as the two of you moved together. He ran his left hand across the smooth skin of your belly, fingertips trailing up and pushing your shirt higher so that he could see your body more. He leaned forward, pressing kisses up your neck and then settling his face beside your ear.

"Hermosa."

You cried out as he pressed his body against yours. He'd thrown his shirt on before but never bothered to button it, so his skin was still pressed against yours. He was damp with sweat and you wrapped your legs around his lower back. The closer position made him brush against your walls more and you gasped at the sensation. You were close again. Having come down from your high not too long ago, it was far easier to push you over the edge. Your body was sensitive, especially to his touch.

"Javi, I'm close."

He nodded into your neck, "Me too."

"Inside. Please. I want to feel you. I want to make you feel good."

Being with Javi made you also impulsive. Letting him cum inside of you once had been a bad idea. You'd done it far too many times now. You didn't care in the slightest. All that mattered in the current moment was the feeling of him pressed against you, filling you as you helped distract him from the pain. All that mattered was making him feel good.

You'd gladly give every fiber of your being to this man.

You pushed against him as he continued, the motion making him groan. "I'm gonna cum."

His hand clenched at your bottom and he thrusted a few more times before finishing, spilling into you and gasping into your shoulder. His hand ran along your side, tickling you, and you slumped against the bed. He didn't leave you be, though, and he moved again. He'd already finished but you knew he was trying to push you over the edge one more time.

It worked, too. 

The feeling of his cum inside of you as he thrusted slowly was enough to do it. Your entire pussy was warm, filled by him in multiple ways. You could feel him softening inside of you but it didn't matter. He kissed your shoulder and you cried out, back arching again as your body shook. 

No man had ever made you cum multiple times in one night. Except Javi.

No man had ever made you feel the kind of euphoria you felt after. Except Javi.

No man had ever constantly made you so worried yet so content at the same time. Except Javi.

No man had ever touched you like this, both figuratively and literally. Except Javi.

Javier Peña could ruin you. He held a power over you that no man before him ever had. You'd do anything for him.

He pulled his face out of your shoulder and the two of you stared at each other in silence. You swallowed and reached up to brush the hair away from his damp forehead. Then, you leaned forward again to press a soft kiss to his lips. 

The movement made his cock twitch inside of you and you moaned softly against his mouth. He took that as an invitation to deepen the kiss once more. He ran his hands along your body again, tracing every curve, and he invaded your mouth with his tongue. You didn't mind. You liked feeling like he couldn't get enough of you. 

It made you feel almost as if you meant as much to him as he did to you.

"You're perfect, you know that?"

He'd pulled away to whisper against your lips and your eyes widened. He didn't give you a chance to respond before he was sighing and pulling away, hands moving to unwrap your legs from his hips. He pulled out of you slowly, taking a step back and running his hand through his hair again. The agent pulled his jeans up once more, doing the button and belt to fasten them. Then, he grabbed his badge off the floor and tucked it into his back pocket. 

You shouldn't have been surprised that he was leaving. After all, Javi didn't spend the night often. Usually, it would be you spending the night at his place, pretending that the two of you had something real. The opposite almost never happened. He'd only stayed a few times. Still, something inside of you told you not to let him leave.

You slowly pushed yourself up, grabbing your shorts off the floor and putting them on. "Wait."

He didn't say anything, walking out of the bedroom and towards your front door. His legs were longer than yours and you'd gotten up far too slowly. He walked out without a word and you cussed as the door closed with a creak. Sliding your feet into your fuzzy slippers, you bolted out the door and ran toward his car as he reached for the door. You made it in the nick of time, slamming it shut just as soon as he'd opened it. 

"Javi, stop. It's like four in the morning. Just stay."

"No."

His answer was blunt and you huffed, grabbing his arm to make him look at you. "Javier, stop it. You've had one of the worst days of your life. Don't walk away from me right now. I'm trying to help."

"You already have."

"I distracted you. That's not help. It's a temporary feeling to help you not think about what happened. That doesn't fix anything. I'm not asking to be your shrink. I'm not asking for you to talk about it. All I'm asking is that you come back inside and get some sleep. You know you won't if you go home. You told me so yourself once."

_I've never slept as good as I did the two nights before Christmas._

It was true. He'd never slept that good before. The only time he'd ever slept better had been with you again, after that. When he'd brought you flowers and made love to you. The memory made his chest tighten in discomfort.

He wanted to stay. Really, he did. He wouldn't let himself. He wouldn't let his own problems take their toll on you, too. He wasn't your problem.

He _wanted_ to be, but he wasn't.

Sighing, he looked down at you. "You don't need this."

"But you do. So get your ass back in my house and let's go to sleep. Otherwise, we'll both be miserably tired in the morning."

Something shifted in his gaze and you recognized the familiar look. He was lost in his own mind. He was with you but he wasn't _with_ you. Sometimes, you really hated how good you were at reading the man. You sighed heavily and nodded, brushing your fingertips across his damp forehead. You didn't kiss him. You didn't hug him. You simply pulled away. 

The absence of your touch made him cold and Javi found himself wanting to pull you back in. He couldn't, though. Wouldn't. He had to deal with this on his own. He couldn't let you bear the burden of his problems.

You gave a forced smile. "Okay. Get some sleep. I know you won't, but try?"

How you'd known he was going to turn your invitation down, he didn't know. All he knew was that he hated that blank look on your face. He hated the way your eyes lacked the fire they usually held. 

He hated himself for everything he'd unknowingly done to you.

He didn't say anything about it, though. Instead, he simply nodded silently and got into the car. He didn't see the faraway look in your eyes as he drove off, leaving you in the middle of the street. He didn't see you stand there, on that road, for ten minutes after. He'd known it, but he didn't see the pain etched in your pretty features as he left.

Was anything you did for Javi ever going to be enough to make him stay?

You knew the answer and you hated it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeeeeey~
> 
> It's me again! I said I'd be back today and here we are! Oof this one hurt. I've had this one in the vault for over a month I think. We just had to cruise through a lot of ups and downs before we got here. In the show Javi goes to Gabriela after Carrillo does the thing, but obviously I changed that to our little lady here. 
> 
> Will these two ever get their happily ever after? Idk. Idk but I'll see you guys on Tuesday for the next chapter! Smooches~


	10. Red.

It should have felt like a victory. 

Watching Carrillo walk out of that lab with dozens of Escobar's men should have felt like the biggest win in a long time. Standing beside Steve as Gato's arm was pulled toward the truck, Javi nodded his head. He was glad that Don Berna's intel had pointed them in the right direction. At least he could say that working with another drug trafficker to catch Pablo would somewhat pay off. He should have been happier than that, though.

So, why wasn't he?

The drive after was quiet and he smoked simply to pass the time. By the time they got back, all he wanted to do was blow off some steam. He didn't want to know what Carrillo was going to do with Gato. He couldn't care less. Instead, all he was curious about was what you were doing tonight.

So, when Carrillo asked if he was coming on the 'flight', he shook his head silently. He didn't want any part of it this time. He didn't want to watch someone get tortured or murdered. Instead, he wanted to have a normal night. 

Well, as close to normal as it got for him.

He pulled his phone out but stilled when he heard his partner agree to go with Carrillo. He'd told Steve about what happened that night with the kids. Tried to warn him against being a part of Carrillo's tactics. The blonde had blatantly ignored him, claiming he wanted all in. Javi had the sneaking suspicion that Steve didn't really know what that entailed.

He ignored him this time, too.

Watching as the other agent walked off toward the helicopter, Javi rubbed a hand down his face. He gripped the phone tightly, knuckles turning white as he clenched his fist. Then, he dialed your number.

You picked up on the second ring. "¿Hola?"

His lips curved upward at the sound of your voice. "Hermosa."

He heard you sigh in relief through the receiver. "Javi, thank God. If I have to talk to another idiot lawyer or pissed off politician again, I'm going to lose my mind."

He was intrigued. "Lawyer?"

You groaned, "Yup. Everyone's pissed that Colonel Carrillo was brought back. I've been filtering Eddy's calls nonstop. I'm one phone call away from exploding."

He chuckled, tucking the phone between his ear and shoulder as he grabbed his pack of smokes. "Well, maybe we can make your day a little better. You free after work?"

You were silent for a second and he took a long inhale off the cigarette. "I really wish I was, Javi. I can't tonight. Maybe tomorrow?"

"Got a hot date?"

It was a joke but it wasn't at the same time.

"Yeah. She's a little old lady, about 60. Her name is Vagina Doctor."

He raised a brow, "Everything okay down there?"

"No, actually. I've got these weird bumps and it's really itchy-"

"Okay, okay. That's enough."

You snorted through the phone. "I'm fucking with you, Javi. Everything's fine, it's just time for my yearly check up and tonight was the only available appointment. I'd say after, but the gyno is just about the only person that could make me turn you down. I hate how everything feels when I get out of there."

"Yeah, I get it."

"Everything okay? You sound stressed."

Everything should have been okay. Gato was in handcuffs. Pablo was down another lab. Still, Javi felt like he needed a distraction. 

He took another puff and hummed. "Everything's okay, hermosa. Caught a fish today. Felt like celebrating."

"We could still celebrate, you know. Just not like that."

Your voice lacked the hope that it usually carried. You offered the idea up but hardly sounded convincing about it. Instead, you sounded like you already knew he'd say no.

Which he did.

His jaw clenched as he searched for the right words to turn you down. "Tomorrow, then. Get some food. Have some _dessert_."

You giggled and he chewed the inside of his cheek in contemplation. "Okay, Javi. Tomorrow night."

"I'll see you then, hermosa. Have fun getting your vagina fondled by an old woman."

"Yeah, yeah. Pity. Usually it's fondled by an old man."

"Fuck you."

You laughed and said 'bye' again as he hung up. He sighed heavily and finished his smoke before heading off to do some paperwork. He figured if you weren't free, he'd at least wait until Steve got back before he left. Not because he wanted to rub it in, but because part of him was genuinely concerned. He was worried that his partner was going to come back just as damaged as he had the other night.

Too bad he was right.

* * *

You leaned back in your seat, glaring at the man in front of you. Rafael was his name. You had a million other better ones in your head, though. He stared back at you with a smug grin and your delicate fingers gripped the paper tightly.

"¿Está bien, Señora?"

It was a stupid question and you rolled your eyes at the young man. "Estoy perfecta. Me _encanta_ cuando mi jefe está siendo interrogado. Gracias por su ayuda."

He gave you another smirk and nodded, turning around to head back to his own office. You stared down at the document and closed your eyes, feeling the onset of a headache forming. Working for Eduardo Sandoval and the President had its ups sometimes.

It also had a lot of downs.

There were people in the same building that didn't share an appreciation for Gaviria. You'd known that from the start. Every President had their enemies. For Gaviria, the main one was Escobar. The problem was that, along with his war on Escobar came other enemies. Enemies within his own office.

In your hands? A subpoena for your boss. Courtesy of the Attorney General.

_That fucking piece of shit._

Ever since what happened at La Catedral, numerous reporters and overbearing citizens had been far too curious about the details. Add in the fact that the Attorney General had never really been a big supporter of the President, the entire building was a mess. Nobody trusted anybody else and it showed. You hadn't questioned your boss about it. You'd opted instead to trust him. You'd known him for a long time, so giving Eduardo the benefit of the doubt wasn't a difficult task for you. Plus, you'd been a supporter of Gaviria since the beginning of his campaign. Sure, it hadn't had the most conventional, but you respected the man and agreed with what he stood for. 

Plus, he was willing to wage war against Escobar and, in a corrupt country like Colombia, that was enough to gain your loyalty.

Staring at the paper in your hand, you heaved a sigh and stood from your desk. You knew the President was in his office, but you hadn't seen Eduardo since he left for lunch. Heels clacking against the linoleum, you began your search for the tall man. It didn't take long. He was in a hallway, finishing a phone conversation with someone. You grimaced at the thought of interrupting them with this, but didn't have time to turn around before he saw you.

He held up a finger and you nodded, eavesdropping slightly as he finished his conversation. "No. I said I can't tonight. I'm sorry. I know I said I would. Something's come up."

His voice was sharp, frustration evident in the tone. You assumed he was talking to Paola. He'd most likely had plans tonight, more exciting than yours, but he had to cancel them yet again. You weren't surprised. His job was tough, demanding in every sense of the word. You'd thought before that she understood that. 

Then again, you claimed to understand it about Javi, too, and you didn't get it at all.

He gave a rushed goodbye and clicked the phone, turning his attention to you. "Sorry. I needed to finish that."

You raised a neat brow. "Everything okay?"

The tall man shook his head, tugging slightly at his tie. "She's mad at me. I said I'd go to an event for her work but now I'm dealing with that interview."

You clicked your tongue in understanding. "Valeria Vasquez? Hardly a reputable source."

"Did you watch it?"

_No_.

You stayed silent, thinking back on your encounter with Javi. You didn't want to tell your boss what you knew. That it was all factual, despite how shady the reporter was. The kid was telling the truth. Javi had told you the same story and he had absolutely no reason to lie to you. Besides, the torture you'd seen him dealing with was enough to convince anyone as much.

Carrillo was a cold-hearted Colonel. Savage, but effective.

"He gets the job done, Eddy."

Blue eyes bore into yours and he took a step toward you. "You know it's true. I do, too. He murdered a child in an alley. He traumatized the others."

_And Javi._

"It's not your fault. You're trying to protect the people of Colombia."

"Yes, protect. Not torture. Bringing him back was a mistake."

"No, it wasn't. He'll get results. He clearly pissed off Pablo. Valeria Vasquez is in Pablo's corner. This interview might as well be proof of Escobar's fear-"

"Or fuel to a fire."

You took a step closer, toe to toe with him, and you rested your palm on his cheek. "This fire was already blazing. Maybe now we have a chance to put it out. Let's see what happens. Don't make any rash decisions until we see what Carrillo can do."

A huff of a laugh escaped his lips. "You're smart. More patient than me. You should have my job."

Rolling your eyes, you pinched his cheek. "Cabrón. I don't _want_ your job. I deal with enough just being your assistant."

"You're too good to me."

You locked gazes with him in surprise and found him staring back at you, something unintelligible in his eyes. He was giving you a look you'd never seen before. The only other time you'd seen anything like it had been in the car outside Doña Maria's. 

He almost looked like he was going to-

A palm pressed against your jaw and he leaned forward, capturing your lips in his. Slanting his mouth against yours, you gasped and he ran his tongue across your lower lip. He'd barely had enough time to deepen the kiss, before you were pulling away and taking a large step back.

You pressed your fingertips to your lips and stared at him in confusion. "Eddy, what are you doing?"

Jaw clenched, you could recognize the tension in his form. What concerned you wasn't the presence of frustration. _No._ It was the lack of remorse in his eyes. 

He didn't look like he regretted kissing you, only that he regretted it didn't last long.

"I'm sorry."

You pressed your lips together, the taste of him still present, and you shook your head. "You're a good man. You deserve the world-"

"So do you."

You knew what he was implying and you sighed. "Look, it's fine. I'm fine."

"He's an idiot. Don't think I haven't noticed how down you've been lately. You're not happy."

You sighed and shifted your weight uncomfortably. You didn't register the sound his shoes made as he took the step closer, bridging the gap you'd created. You were lost in your own head. Thinking about all the ways this was wrong. You bit your lip, only stopping when a thumb brushed against your cheek. He took another step closer and your eyes widened in surprise, cheeks flushed as he leaned forward slowly. 

He was going to kiss you again.

"You deserve better."

His voice was a whisper, breath fanning over your mouth as he tilted your chin up. You knew it was true. You deserved more than Javi could give you. More than he was _willing_ to give you. You deserved someone that treated you the way that Eddy treated Paola.

_Paola_.

You inwardly cussed at yourself. She was your friend now, too. A good woman. She was good for him. They were fighting. You and Javi weren't any better. Eddy's mouth was inches away from yours and still, despite knowing both of you had relationship troubles, you couldn't let him make a mistake. You'd never forgive yourself. You weren't good for Eduardo Sandoval. You couldn't love him like that. He was your closest friend. You wouldn't let him get caught in a moment. One he'd regret.

"Eddy, stop. Think about Paola."

He leaned his forehead against yours, letting out an empty laugh. "She doesn't understand. This job is time consuming. She said she'd be okay with it, but I know she's not."

"She's good for you. She's sweet. Perfect."

"You're perfect."

The statement made your stomach do a weird flip and you closed your eyes, sighing. "Eddy, we-"

"Sometimes I wish I could go back. To that party. Before all of this. When you came over for the holidays and I'd get to go with you for your father's parties. When it was just me and you. I'd tell you how gorgeous you looked in that dress. I'd apologize for the terrible compliment. I'd tell you the truth. That I only brushed you off so you wouldn't see how much of an effect that dress had on me. How much of an effect you've always had on me."

His words shook you. Here, you'd spent months with the thought that Eduardo Sandoval had never been interested in you. In fact, it was the opposite. He'd pushed you away. He hadn't let himself be with you. 

He was just like Javi.

_Javi_.

You internally cussed as you remembered your situation. Javi wasn't going to give you everything. You'd known that from the start. Still, you couldn't give into Eduardo like this. You didn't think about him like that anymore. He was your best friend, nothing more.

Javi held your heart now, whether he wanted to or not.

You pulled away from your boss, brushing a thumb across his cheek and looking up at him sadly. "I love you. You know that, right?"

His jaw tensed. "But?"

"But you're my best friend. Once upon a time, maybe we could've been more. Now? You're with Paola. She's a good woman and she cares about you."

"And you have Javi? Are we doing this again?"

You pushed yourself onto your tip toes, grabbing the lapels of his jacket and giving him one last kiss. His hands instinctively rested on your waist, pulling you closer so he could part your lips with his tongue. You tried to ignore the pang of desire that blazed through your veins. Giving him twenty seconds of full-fledged passion, you pulled away with a sigh.

"Javi's not forever. I knew that from the start. Thing is, Eddy, I knew from the start that we couldn't be more than this either. I'm not good for you. You know that."

He pulled away from you and his gaze softened. "I don't want you to get hurt."

"I'll be okay. This thing with Javi will figure itself out. This thing with you? It stays where it's always been. We support each other. Care about each other. Love each other. Just, not like that. Not as more than friends."

He gave you a nod. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you."

You gave him a laugh. "Don't be sorry. It was a great kiss. I mean, I gave you another one just for good measure. Can we agree to never do it again, though?"

"As long as you promise not to get hurt by that cabrón. Otherwise, I might send Colonel Carrillo after him."

You snorted and stepped back, pushing his shoulder playfully. "Okay, Dad."

He narrowed his eyes. "Mala."

You snickered and then glanced down at the paper in your hands. You went silent when you remembered why you'd come to find him. He noticed, eyeing it as well and then looking back at you. Your lips were in a tight line.

"I almost forgot. One of the idiots from the Attorney General's office brought this to me."

You handed it off and he took it, unfolding the document and immediately cussing. "Puto cabrón."

"I'm sorry, Eddy. He's a fucking idiot. Not sure why he's grilling you instead of trying to help us catch Escobar."

The suited man sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's not your fault. You weren't there. I was."

"You can tell me about it, you know. I won't push you, but if you need to talk-"

"I appreciate that, but no. You don't need to be a part of this mess."

You tightened the knot of his tie and shook your head. "We're in this together, Eddy."

_Together_.

You chewed the inside of your cheek, pushing aside thoughts of the broken DEA agent that had come to your house a few nights ago. You didn't want to think about Javi right now. About how he'd never want the same things as you. 

"You're thinking about him."

You could see the disappointment in his eyes and you knew it was more than the friendly kind of worry. "Sorry, I just-"

"He's not good enough for you. No man on this planet is good enough."

"Not even you?"

"Definitely not me." He had a faraway look in his eyes. "I'm sorry I lied to you."

Now you were confused.

"About what?"

"I told you before that I never thought about you in that way. I lied."

You thought back again to outside the lingerie shop. "You said you _don't_ think about me that way. Not that you never did."

"I didn't deserve you. I don't deserve Paola, either."

"She's an upgrade from what you could've had, Eddy. Trust me. I'm a mess."

"I'm sorry. If I made this more complicated for you. If I damaged our friendship in any way-"

You shook your head, a knowing smile on your lips. "We'll be fine, Eddy. Nothing you do could ever make me think any less of you. Even a kiss or two."

He nodded, matching your smile with his own, and then glanced down at the subpoena. "Thank you for bringing this to me. I'll be in his office. I need to handle this on my own."

You wouldn't tell him so, but he sounded just like Javi. Stubbornly carrying far too much in solitude. Concern etched your features as he gave you an uneasy smile and you watched him walk away. For whatever reason, you had a sneaking suspicion that he wouldn't be around much longer. The deeper people dug, the heavier it seemed to weigh in him. 

The sheer idea of him possibly leaving scared the shit out of you.

* * *

The second his partner had walked through that door and immediately grabbed the bottle off his desk, Javi knew he'd been in trouble. He'd known he was going to make mistakes tonight. He'd felt himself already ruining whatever he'd built with you. More than he already had.

He proved himself right.

Burying himself into another woman, a prostitute that he used to frequent, he pounded into her. Hands gripping her waist, he pulled her up and trailed a hand up to her breast. He palmed her flesh and tightened his hold as he came. 

He regretted it as soon as it happened.

The second he pulled out and Gabriela turned toward him, he knew he was an idiot. There had been no thought before. Just pure, carnal desire to get his mind off his job. His fingers had instinctively dialed the number, still imbedded in his brain after all this time, and she'd told him to swing by anytime. He'd been so set on forgetting everything, that he'd forgotten what was important.

_You_.

He'd never say it out loud but, as he stared at the auburn-haired woman in the darkness, all he thought about was you. She was smiling at him and all he could picture was you frowning. She took a step toward him and he shook his head, retrieving his clothes off the floor in a hurry.

"Normalmente te quedas más tiempo."

The sound of her voice, while he tucked himself into his jeans, made him nauseous. "No debí haber venido."

She made a move to touch him and he pushed her hand away. Her eyes were wide with surprise and he ignored her. Javi finished buttoning his shirt and tossed some cash on the bed. He stumbled out the door, slamming it behind him and rushing to his car. Speeding off, slammed the steering wheel with his hands.

"Fuck!"

He drove down random roads, not paying attention to his surroundings until he turned onto your street. He swallowed thickly at the sight of your form illuminated under the street light. You must have just gotten home from your appointment, because you were still in your work clothes. Pencil skirt clinging to the curve of your bottom, he watched as you bent over into your car to grab something. When you came back out, he could see that you'd worn one of his favorite shirts. A low cut, white blouse that accentuated your bosom. 

It was the shirt you'd worn when he'd first met you.

His car was stopped in the middle of the road and he cussed to himself again when you turned around, hand over your brows to shield your eyes from the headlights. You tilted your head in confusion, walking towards his car. His window was slightly rolled down and he could faintly hear the clicking of your pumps as you stepped toward his car. He debated speeding off. Leaving you there in the middle of the street in shock. He couldn't, though. Instead, he sat still in the driver's seat as you walked to his window.

You tapped on the glass and smiled at him. "What are you doing here? You said tomorrow."

You almost looked happy to see him and his chest tightened. "I was in the neighborhood."

The answer was vague and you gave him a confused look. "Everything okay, Javi? You're sweating."

_Shit_.

He was, wasn't he? A bead of liquid dripped down the side of his face and he took a deep breath. He wiped at the dampness with an equally clammy hand. Clearing his throat, he rolled the window down and leaned out to nod at you. He went to say something but your expression stopped him.

Leaning forward was a big mistake on his part.

You stared at him blankly and he furrowed his brows. He didn't know it, but all you could see was red. 

Red in your vision. 

Red directly in your line of sight, too.

A tacky shade of red, smeared across his lower lip.

Your heart was racing, entire body trembling as you spoke. "You have a good night, Javier?"

Something in your tone shook him, coupled with your use of his actual name, and you watched his adam's apple bob. Instead of saying anything else, you reached a hand up. You swiped your thumb across his lip and held it in front of his face for him to see. 

"Fuck."

His cuss set you off and you pushed his door closed when he went to open it. "Fuck? Yeah, you did. Didn't you? You couldn't get it here so you went to someone else. Was it good, Javi? Was it worth it?"

_No. It hadn't been good and it sure as hell hadn't been worth it._

"Hermosa, look-"

Tears welled in your eyes and you jabbed a neatly manicured finger in his face. "Fuck you. Get the fuck away from me. Don't touch me. Don't call me. Don't come to my house. Get the fuck out of my life, Peña."

You whipped around and speedily walked towards your house. You heard the sound of a car door slam and footsteps on the concrete, but you paid it no mind. You yanked your keys out of your purse, fumbling at the lock until you heard the deadbolt move. Then, you opened the door and immediately slammed it, locking it back up right before a pounding started.

"Y/N! Come on. Open the door. Please. We can talk about it."

The tears fell and you pulled a heel off your foot, throwing it loudly at the wood. "Talk? Fuck you! Get the fuck away from my house or I'll call the cops!"

"You know that's not gonna do anything."

"Really? Fine. I'll call Pablo Escobar. How about that? Get the fuck off my porch, Javier!"

"Hermosa, look-"

"¡Ahora, hijo de puta!"

Your entire body was shaking and you threw the other shoe at your door, watching as it broke from the impact. You could taste the salt on your lips as more tears fell, mixing with the gloss you'd worn today. You couldn't remember a time you'd been so angry. A time that you'd impulsively screamed at someone in Spanish. 

You couldn't remember feeling a pain like the one you were feeling now.

The thing was, the pain was partially caused by Javi and partially by yourself. You hated him for hurting you. You hated yourself, too. You'd willingly let your best friend kiss you and confess his love for you when you were with Javi.

Both of you had cheated in a way. Cheated without _actually_ being together.

You collapsed onto the floor in a heap and pressed your palms against your brows. Mascara burned your teary eyes and you squeezed them shut, shaking on the floor. You could hear a thump against your door and you let out an empty laugh. He was still on the other side. Another thump and you realized that it wasn't his hand. He was probably leaning back against your door, head thrown back on the wood.

You grabbed the broken heel off the floor and shifted your body to face the door, chucking the object again. "Told you. Get the fuck away from me!"

His voice was muffled through the door but you heard it all the same. "I'm sorry."

The guilt you felt was overshadowed by the stinging pain of betrayal, and you yelled through the wood again. "You're sorry? Great. Yeah that makes everything fucking perfect! You wanna fuck on the couch? I bet you taste like cheap hooker, too! My personal favorite."

On the other side of the door, Javi's jaw clenched. He couldn't even be mad at your assumption because it was completely right. He'd slept with a prostitute instead of you. He'd have to carry that guilt, sure, but you had to carry the comparison. You were probably going to wonder why you weren't better than a prostitute to him. Why he'd put his hands, the same ones that had touched your perfect form time and time again, on a far inferior woman. He couldn't stop those thoughts from running through your head now. He could just hope you'd understand someday that it had meant nothing. She had meant nothing. Gabriela was sweet, sure, but she wasn't you. 

_Not even close._

He'd been about to respond when your tortured voice cut through again. "You know what the worst part is, Javier? I can't even really be mad at you. I knew all along that you'd let me down. I knew that doing whatever the hell this was with you was a mistake. I did it anyway! I'm a fucking idiot. You're a fucking asshole and I'm a stupid fucking fool."

You were right. He was an asshole. You'd been the best thing to happen to him in a long time. You were bold, caring and stubborn. You'd put up with far more bullshit from him than any woman should have ever had to. Hell, you probably even knew him better than his own partner. 

He didn't know what to say. There was nothing he really could. He'd cheated without actually cheating. Maybe that was the worst part. The worst part wasn't not knowing what could've been. It was not knowing what he'd even had to begin with.

In the back of his mind, though, he did know. What he had with you was more real than anything he'd ever experienced before. Now, he'd ruined it. He'd made an impulsive decision after a rough day and destroyed everything he'd built with you. Everything he'd ever had a chance at having with you.

It was all gone.

"I'm so fucking sorry."

His voice was a whisper and you probably didn't even hear it. It was genuine, though. He hated himself for what he'd done. He hated himself for hurting you again. 

He hated himself for proving you right.

Pushing himself off with a foot, Javi lit another smoke and put it between his lips. He trudged slowly down your street, past a disapproving elderly woman. He nodded at her, waving a hand.

"Lo siento, Señora."

She huffed and turned to walk back into her house. "Cabrón."

He stopped and turned at her insult, squeezing his eyes shut when he realized it was the same woman he'd met the other night. Señora Rodriguez. The one that had seen him drop off beautiful flowers. _Of course._ He laughed humorlessly and kicked a rock with the toe of his shoe. Finally, he made it back to his car and hopped in. It had been running the entire time and he slammed the door when he got in. For the second time that night, he found himself smacking his palms on the steering wheel.

"Fuck!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not crying, you are T_T 
> 
> Why do I torture our poor babies so much?? Ugh, I hate myself. Javi is so impulsive, though. Did we really think this wouldn't happen at some point? We can't have too much faith in the man...
> 
> Anyways, I'll probably see you guys Thursday for some more torture! Smooches~


	11. Guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry about not putting out a new chapter on Thursday! My internet has been a mess and I've called AT&T like five times in the last week T_T It's working at the moment so I sprinted to my computer to put this out for you guys lol 
> 
> I'm gonna try to put out another chapter on Thursday buuuut obviously it depends on my internet capabilities...so pray to the internet gods for me, okay? Anyways, I love you guys! Smooches~

Javi didn't know what he hated most. Flashing lights surrounded him, the stench of blood filling the air, and he genuinely could not decide what about this week he hated most. Was it that he'd had to see Gabriela again? That she'd dropped a new tortured soul into his lap? That he'd been forced, along with Steve, to stay behind? Was it that his connections had just gotten Colonel Carrillo and a bunch of other cops killed? Was it that he'd fucked things up with you?

Probably all of the above, if he were honest. 

Staring blankly at the scene before him, he watched as Trujillo was patched up in an ambulance. Thankfully, he'd survived, but the same couldn't be said for a lot of other men. Honestly, he didn't look like he wanted to be alive. Trujillo had a lost look in his eyes as he stared down at the scattered bodies, Carrillo's included.

Javi's whole body was numb as he stood beside his partner in the street. "They call his wife?"

Colonel Carrillo had a wife. A family. People depending on him, that loved and cherished him. The thought made Javi's stomach twist into knots and he felt the guilt pouring over him again. 

Then, he thought about you.

He really had done you a favor. You letting him go was good for your health. For your entire well-being. Waiting for someone like him all day, praying he'd come home, would have been torturous. 

If he hadn't been sure before, he definitely was now. 

You were much better off without him.

Steve's voice cut through his thoughts. "Yeah, she's on her way in from Madrid. This ain't on you, Javi. It's on Escobar. One way or another, he pays."

Steve's words didn't provide any comfort as Javi continued to watch the scene before him. His jaw clenched and he chewed the inside of his cheek as more bodies were covered. He wanted to agree with Steve. To carry on the mission of chasing down Escobar. He knew that he would. Still, there was this nagging voice in the back of his mind. It was telling him that this war would likely do more damage than just dead bodies. 

It would take lives in other ways, too. It already had.

"We all do." He turned his head slightly. "Right?"

The blonde gave him a look before walking off, leaving the older agent swimming in his own thoughts. Then, he went back to base alone, immediately sitting down and pouring himself a drink. He needed it. A lot of it, actually. 

He debated calling you. Not even for sex. Just to talk.

Ultimately, he decided against it. It wouldn't be fair to you. Dragging you through his own problems after he'd broken you so badly. He didn't deserve help. From you or anyone. So, when Messina came into the room in an attempt to comfort him, he brushed her off. He wanted to drown in his own sorrows and that bottle. 

So, he did.

He went home and immediately stripped, turning the water on in his shower and stepping beneath the cold stream. His entire body broke out in goosebumps and he braced his hands against the wall. He let the water cascade down his body as he shook violently. He wasn't crying but he was in excruciating pain. Internally dying.

He'd brought a second bottle into the shower with him and he slid against the wall, grabbing the glass to take a swig. It burned as it went down, reminding him that he was still breathing. It was unfair, really. He'd been the idiot that trusted the tip. He'd been the fool to fall for it and it was his fault that Carrillo was getting buried the next day. 

Escobar had put the bullets in him, sure, but Javi had been the one to really kill Carrillo.

He debated going to the funeral but it didn't feel right.

The selfish part of him also wondered if you'd be there to support Sandoval and Gaviria. 

He wondered if you even knew yet.

If you knew what he'd done.

* * *

You had found out the next day. The news had spread around the office like wildfire. Everyone was pointing the finger, but not quite at the right man. In the eyes of some of the general public, along with a chunk of your coworkers, President Gaviria was to blame for the bloodshed that had painted the streets of Colombia that night.

Nevermind the fact that Pablo Escobar had pulled the trigger himself.

Gaviria had brought back Colonel Carrillo and, by association, he was to blame for the fallout. You might have been able to deal with what followed if only you hadn't lost your boss in the process. Eduardo Sandoval was the scapegoat for a very messy and chaotic tragedy, per his own request, and you were completely blindsided. He hadn't warned you beforehand. Instead, he'd told Gaviria himself and all but avoided you that day. 

You couldn't help but feel the familiar sting of betrayal again. This time, at the hands of your best friend rather than your lover. It almost hurt more that way. Your entire body had gone numb that day.

Now, it was three days later and you wanted to rip your hair out. Pouring over a stack of paperwork, simultaneously attempting to absorb the information and also be quick, you let out a slight sigh of relief when the phone rang. You took another drag off your cigarette, the same crappy brand that Javi smoked, and put it out in the ashtray. Then, you reached for the phone.

"Bueno."

"Y/N?"

Your eyes widened as you recognized the soft voice. "Paola?"

"I'm sorry to bother you, I'm sure you're busy."

You were beyond busy. Still, you couldn't help but feel for the woman. She sounded sad, pained by something, and she was still a friend. 

"It's okay. What's going on?"

She sniffled through the receiver and you almost regretted asking. "I was wondering if I could talk to Eduardo."

_Shit_.

You squeezed your eyes shut, running your fingers across your forehead as you debated how to respond. "He's not here. I'm sorry."

"Look, I know he's your friend but please just tell him to call me. I want to apologize. I had no right to get upset with him. I know how busy he is. It's just-"

"Paola. He doesn't work here anymore."

She was silent on the other end and you'd almost thought she'd hung up, until she spoke quietly. "Is he okay?"

She was far too sweet. Worried about a man that she probably wasn't seeing anymore. Wanting to talk to him still.

Then again, she wasn't much different from you.

Javi had broken your heart and, yet, you instinctively had thought about him when the news of Carrillo's death first broke. You'd wanted to drive to his house and hold him. You'd wanted to remind him that none of this was his fault. You'd wanted him to know that you cared, despite it all. 

Then again, that was love. _Right?_ Caring even through the pain.

You loved Javi. Paola loved Eddy.

All four of you were an absolute mess.

Chewing the inside of your cheek, you twirled a pen between your fingers. "I think so. I'm not sure, honestly. I haven't talked to him."

"You haven't?"

"No."

"I'm surprised he hasn't called you."

Eyebrow raising, your forehead creased with confusion. "Why are you surprised?"

She laughed. "He loves you. You know that, right? I think he always has."

You dropped the phone, the hard plastic making a loud noise on your desk. One of the receptionists had been walking by with a stack of mail and she turned to look at you. You were flustered, coughing wildly as you scrambled to pick up the phone again. 

When you did, you cleared your throat. "Paola-"

"Don't apologize. It's not your fault for existing. I knew. It was obvious. Sometimes, when you'd turn away, he'd look at you like you were the only woman in the world. Like you were precious."

You sighed, a headache forming. "I'm sorry. I don't really know what else to say."

"Do you love him? As more than a friend?"

_We support each other. Care about each other. Love each other. Just, not like that. Not as more than friends._

You'd had more time to think about the kiss with Eddy and you'd come to a heavy realization. You _wanted_ to be with Eduardo. Really, you did. He was a good, distinguished man that wanted the same things as you. He had the same goals in life. To start a family. To settle down. To grow old with someone. He had the capability to give you everything you'd ever wanted before.

_Before_.

That was the problem. Those were the things you'd wanted before Javi. Now, you didn't know what you wanted. You had the sneaking suspicion, though, that what you wanted lied within a deeply troubled DEA agent. One that had broken you far too many times to count.

You were an emotional masochist. 

You could have everything happy with Eddy but you wanted everything you knew would be painful with Javi.

It made absolutely no sense.

"I think I used to. I don't feel that way about him anymore."

"You're in love with Javi."

You let out a frustrated laugh, nodding despite the fact that she wasn't beside you. "Unfortunately."

"Are any of us happy right now?"

_Maybe Javi._

The spiteful side of you pictured him fucking a pretty prostitute again, tacky red lipstick smeared on that mustache you loved so much. The loving side of you secretly knew him better than that, though. You knew he wasn't in a good place, especially after the mess with Carrillo. You knew he was a tortured soul that didn't know how to be happy. 

You wanted to hate him, but you couldn't bring yourself to do it.

"We're all a mess. Just like Colombia."

The other woman laughed and then got quiet again. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you honestly think that he'd ever let himself love me? Eduardo. He's had these feelings for you for years. I don't know if I could ever compete."

Talking about your friend was difficult now, after everything that had happened in the last few days, but you forced yourself to tough it out for her. You knew she needed this. He did, too. Somewhere, deep in the recesses of his mind, Eduardo Sandoval knew that Paola was far better for him than you could ever hope to be. He just needed to consciously realize it.

Selfishly, part of you wanted to keep him to yourself. It wouldn't be fair, though. To dangle to promise of more in front of him as you pined after another man. Eddy was your best friend and you couldn't do that to him.

Doing that to him would be worse than what Javi had done to you.

At least Javi had told you from the start that he didn't do commitment.

Deciding you needed another cigarette to calm your nerves, you grabbed the pack and immediately stopped. You'd been smoking them for the last few days and, for whatever reason, now that you looked at the neatly empty pack, your chest felt tight. It wasn't caused by the actual nicotine but, rather, the absence of the man you'd come to associate it with.

The craving had been so strong, but not for nicotine itself.

You craved Javi.

Letting out a tortured laugh, you tossed the pack back into the drawer and slammed it shut, focusing on your phone call again. "Sorry, Paola, I just-"

"You were thinking about him, weren't you? Javi, I mean."

"Yeah."

"I do the same thing sometimes. I start doing something and then it reminds me of Eduardo and-"

"Talk to him. Go to his house. He should be there. Go find him, Paola, and apologize for not understanding before but tell him you'll spend every day from now on making it up to him. Tell him you know he's going through a hard time and you want to be there. Tell him he's all you think about. All you want. Nobody else compares."

Now that you said the words out loud, it almost sounded like a pep talk for yourself, too.

"You're sure?"

A small smile formed on your lips and you let out a genuine laugh this time. "Yes. Everyone tells me that I'm too good for Javi, but you know something? Nobody ever reminded Eddy that he's too good for me. He's special, Paola. Hold onto him. You're perfect for him, I know it. I used to wish I could be in your position but I know it's not what either of us needs. He needs you. I need something else."

" _Someone_ else. Someone who doesn't perform in missionary. Someone who needs to come to his senses."

"Javi and Eddy have more in common than they think."

The older woman snorted and you beamed at the sound. "Mala. Don't ever let Eduardo hear you say that."

"They'd both be pissed."

"Stubborn men."

"Go talk to him. I have some stuff I need to take care of and-"

"Thank you."

You hummed in response, chewing on a chipping nail. "Mhmm."

"I mean it. You probably don't think so, but you're an amazing person, Y/N. Javi _and_ Eddy are lucky to have you."

"Thanks, Paola."

"Adios."

"Bye."

You had a lot to think about. You knew one thing for certain, though. Javi probably needed someone. Needed you. 

As much as he'd hurt you, you couldn't help but want to run to his side.

* * *

"You talked to her?"

Brown eyes flickered to the driver, exhaustion hidden by his usual aviators. "What?"

Steve wasn't looking at him, focused on some random spot ahead instead. "Y/N. Have you talked to her about the Carrillo thing? You know she'd listen."

"She doesn't need that."

"Quit bein' stubborn. She doesn't care what she needs. She cares what _you_ need."

Javi snapped. "What I need is for you to shut up about it. Okay?"

The blonde finally turned with a sigh. "Somethin' up with you guys? You haven't gotten a phone call in days. Haven't called her, either."

"World's best fucking agent. You find Escobar with all that detective work you've been doing?"

"Fuck you. Quit beating yourself up about Carrillo. It's not on you, Javi."

That was just the thing. Carrillo wasn't even at the forefront of his mind anymore. Instead, all of Javi's thoughts revolved around you. He was so bad for you but he hated being without you. He hated sleeping alone. He hated waking up to an empty bed. He hated not having a reason to smile or laugh. He hated not having coffee made in the morning. He hated the lack of your presence in his life. 

He hated himself.

"I fucked up. That good enough of an explanation, Murphy?"

The blonde nodded. "You always fuck up with her. It ain't news, Javi."

"Well, I fucked up in the worst possible way. How about that?"

"You cheated."

Hearing the words out loud was like a punch in the gut, but the older agent nodded. "Yep. I'm a fucking idiot."

"Damn."

"Got any good advice on how to fix that?"

"Not a damn clue. If I were her, I'd hate your fuckin' guts."

"Me too. Already do."

"At least you feel guilty. Means she meant somethin' to you."

"She's better off."

"Probably."

Brown eyes narrowed and Javi clenched his jaw at the affirmation. It was different when he said it himself. Hearing someone else say it was a reminder of how much he'd actually fucked up. It pushed forward the thought that you were far too out of his league. He didn't deserve everything you'd given him up to this point. 

He definitely didn't deserve anything now.

Well, maybe a swift kick in the balls.

They pulled up to the base and Javi wasted no time in getting out. He wanted to pour himself into work. A useless endeavor, at this point. With no active Colonel, any intel they acquired simply fell into a stack on a dead man's desk. Still, it was something to do and he desperately needed a distraction.

A distraction from a woman that he was now seeing in hallucinations. _Great_.

Standing still in the parking lot, the mustached agent sighed heavily and rubbed a hand on his forehead. "Fucking hell. Get out of my damn head."

He wanted to shake you from his mind and, yet, you followed him everywhere he went. Your scent lingered in his bed. The milk in his fridge reminded him of you. His lighter had been a gift from you. 

Now, you were coming to him in a damn mirage.

You looked incredible, too. That was the worst part. If he was going to hallucinate, could you at least not look this amazing? You were wearing a simple, white button down and a pair of high rise jeans. He'd never seen you in something so relaxed during the day time. It was so simple but somehow you still looked spectacular. 

It was unfair, really.

"You gonna talk to her or stare all damn day?"

The sound of Steve beside him made Javi whip his head. "What?"

The blonde rolled his eyes, pointing at your very real form ahead. "Y/N. You gonna drool or actually talk to her?"

You were actually there. You weren't a figment of his imagination. You were present, talking to a still injured Trujillo. 

You were the most beautiful thing he'd seen in days.

"Christ, Javi. You're a moron."

Before he had a chance to respond, Steve was already leaving his side and walking towards you. Javi was stuck. For whatever reason, his legs refused to move. Maybe, it was because he didn't feel worthy to be in your presence after what he'd done. Maybe, it was because he didn't know what to say. Maybe, it was actually because he was scared to see how you'd react to seeing him again.

He instinctively wiped at his mouth, though there was no possibility of lipstick residue being present, and he awkwardly walked into the conversation. His hands were stuffed into his jeans and a trickle of sweat dripped down the back of his neck. Steve noticed him first, giving the older man a side smirk when he saw how nervous your presence made him.

"Nice of you to join us, partner."

The only open space in the circle was beside you and Javi tensed as he walked up, sandwiching himself between you and Steve. The blonde had clearly left the space open on purpose. 

_Asshole_.

"Maybe I just don't wanna stand next to your ugly ass, Murphy."

"We're all ugly when we stand next to Y/N." Steve motioned toward you, a look of approval on his face. "Don't think I've ever seen you in jeans. You look good."

_Hermosa_.

Good didn't even cut it. You looked stunning. Gold hoops adorning your ears and long waves pulled into a ponytail, you looked absolutely breathtaking. The simplicity of it all was insane. 

Javi watched as your cheeks reddened slightly and you thumbed the loops of your jeans. "I took a half day. So, no pencil skirt today. I'm sure I don't look that good."

"You look incredible."

The words fell from his lips before he could stop them and, as everyone stared at Javi in shock, he found himself trapped in your wide gaze. Framed by long lashes, your eyes were slightly glossy at the compliment. Then, your face fell slightly. He hated the sight of it.

"Thanks. Anyway, I'm not here to fish for compliments. I took the rest of the day off but I did need to stop by for some files."

You didn't look at him again. Instead, your attention was on Trujillo. The bald man nodded at you and craned his neck behind him.

"Listo."

"Gracias." You didn't turn back as you followed the cop, instead only throwing a hand up to wave. "See you guys."

The old Javi would have stared at your ass as you walked away. You'd changed him, though. His priorities were different when it came to you. Instead, he eyed the way you awkwardly scratched the back of your neck. You were uncomfortable and he knew it was probably because of him. Still, he didn't regret complimenting you.

At least, until Steve reminded him about it.

"You look _incredible_. You're like a horny teenager, man. Put your fuckin' hard on away."

Brown eyes widened and Javi instinctively looked down, only to silently cuss when he saw that Steve wasn't joking. There was a tent in his tight jeans and the older man found himself fully embarrassed. Not because of his erection, but more so how he'd gotten it.

He hadn't even looked at your ass.

You had far too much of an effect on him. 

He pushed his partner and groaned. "Fuck off, asshole. You're just jealous because you can't get it up."

Steve laughed. "At least mine's big. I can barely see yours."

"Yeah right. Your four inches aren't impressive, Murphy."

"If mine's four then yours is two."

"Fuck off."

Steve laughed and then, as they walked in, nodded toward the file room that Trujillo had pointed you to. "Talk to her. Apologize for having a tiny dick."

The joke was laced with underlying seriousness and Javi contemplated the idea. "She probably doesn't wanna talk to me."

"Then why's she here?"

Chocolate orbs glanced sideways at the younger agent. "To get files, dumbass."

"She could've had them faxed. She's here for a reason, Javi, and it ain't me or Trujillo. Ain't those damn files either. They're just an excuse. Go. You might not get another chance."

Steve was right, as per usual.

"I look like shit."

Steve laughed loudly. "You always do. Fucking hell, you got any more lame excuses? Did your period start? Dad say you can't? You have laundry to do? Go fucking talk to her!"

One of the women that worked at the base walked past, eyeing Javi greedily, and he paid her no mind. His focus was still on you. He couldn't see you anymore, but he knew you were in that room. You weren't in his line of sight but you were still all he saw.

"I'll be back."

"Hey, no fuckin' on the files, okay? Don't think I forgot about that one time I caught you guys in here."

"Shut up, Murphy."

Javi walked quickly toward the file room, past a knowing Trujillo, and opened the door. He didn't see you at first. The room wasn't large by any means, but it wasn't small either. It had a few rows and you weren't in either of the first two. He found you on the third, in the section for internal intel. 

More specifically, background information on all high ranking cops in the country.

_Strange_.

"Do I wanna know what you're looking for, hermosa?"

You let out a squeak of surprise, dropping the file you'd been looking at and scattering the papers all over the floor. "Shit!"

You scrambled to put the folder back together, looking back up to find Javi bent down to help you. Your faces were less than a foot apart and you blushed, uncharacteristically nervous around him. Your chest tightened at the sight of him, causing you to take a deep breath as you grabbed the mess of papers.

"Sorry, hermosa. Didn't mean to scare you."

Javi handed you a small stack and you met his apologetic gaze. "It's okay. Thanks for helping."

"Anything for you."

You pressed your lips into a firm line. "Right."

You hadn't meant for your tone to be that sharp, but he'd heard it all the same. That single word had been laced in venom, heavy with spite. It made sense. Really. He deserved it. He hadn't earned the chance to joke around or be sweet with you. He'd done nothing recently to be in your good graces.

So, he nodded slowly. "I deserve that."

"What are you doing in here, Javier?"

_Javier_. 

You never called him that unless you were mad at him. 

_Fair_. 

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Told you, I have files to grab."

"You could've had them faxed."

There was a long pause before you responded. "Fax machine is broken."

There was the faintest little upturn of a smile at the corner of your mouth and Javi laughed. "It's still just as shitty an excuse as when I used it."

"Well, it _is_ an excuse made up by a dumbass."

"World's biggest asshole made it up."

You stood up, pressing the folder to your chest and leaning against the shelf. "Are you guys okay?"

The worry in your tone was evident and the agent felt his heart speed up. After all this, you were worried. He'd done nothing but hurt you and you were still putting his fucked up emotions before your own feelings. He wanted to tell you to stop. To let him go. 

He also wanted to hold you and never let go.

"You're incredible."

You gave him a look. "I'm serious, Javi."

"Oh, it's 'Javi' now?"

You huffed, turning back around and shaking your head. "I didn't come here to fight with you."

_Fight. Maybe it would be easier that way._

Your chipped nails trailed through the names on the files until you found one you needed and you plucked it from the shelf as he spoke. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine. Quit being an asshole, though."

"I'm not apologizing for that, hermosa. I'm apologizing for-"

You knew instantly. "Stop. I didn't come here to talk about that. I just came to see if you guys were okay. I know you're not, though."

Something shifted in his gaze as you turned toward him and you caught the quick glimpse of pain. Javi had always been good about hiding his trauma and pushing it aside. The night with the teenagers had been the first sight of guilt that you'd ever seen on his handsome features when it came to work. Now? Now, he looked more tortured than ever before and it made your heart clench. 

The death of Carrillo was weighing heavier on him than anything before. 

You set the files down and took a step toward him, pressing your palms against his stubbled cheeks and looking up at him. "It's not your fault, Javi. Don't carry that guilt."

He let out an empty laugh and went to pull away. "I should've been there. Instead, I was stuck listening to it over the fucking radios."

"If you had been there, you might be dead. What good would that be?"

"He had a family."

"So do _you_. Your dad. Steve." You paused and he felt the implication. "Javi, you have people that care about you, too."

_Me_.

"I gave him the fucking intel. I sent him into that ambush."

"Did you know?"

Brown eyes widened and he pulled fully from you. "No."

You wrapped your arms around his torso and pulled him in for a hug. "Then stop blaming yourself. All intel has the possibility to be inaccurate. Cops die every day. It's a hard truth but it's the truth all the same. He knew what he was signing up for. None of this is your fault, Javi. You didn't shoot him."

The familiar scent of your shampoo wafted into his senses and a frown formed beneath the mustache. "You shouldn't be here."

"I know." Your grip on him tightened. "I know but I still am. I was worried."

"You shouldn't worry about me, hermosa."

"But I do." You pulled away from the tortured agent, giving him a small smile and turning back to continue on your search. "Besides, I actually did need these."

"What are you looking for?"

"I need information. Information that I know Carrillo had. He put together these files himself, so I know I can trust them. If I asked for them officially, I might get the run around from higher ups. So, I came here instead."

Javi nodded, moving to grab one of the files you'd pulled out. "What kind of information?"

You snatched it back and gave him a look. "That's for me to know and you to find out later."

"You know I'm allowed to see these files, right?"

"Yeah. Don't care."

"Alright. I'll leave you to it."

His gaze lingered on your back as he went to leave. He didn't want to, really. He wanted to stay with you. To simply be near you. To breathe the same air as you. To keep smelling that sweet aroma of tangerine that your hair held. To keep making you laugh.

He couldn't.

You needed space. He was sure of it. 

So, Javi turned on his heels and crammed his hands into his pockets as he made his way out. "If you need help, just let me know."

The door clicked closed and you turned, sighing heavily. You'd wanted him to stay. To keep yourself surrounded by his presence. To smell that addictive scent of tobacco. To support him through the rough time that he was clearly going through.

You knew it was a bad idea, though.

Being anywhere near Javier Peña was surely going to end in disaster. 

You quickly snatched a few more files and then smiled when you heard the door open. "Is Steve boring you that much?"

"Nah, I don't bore myself. I got Javi for that."

You turned in surprise, only to find said blonde in the room with you. "Oh. Sorry, Steve, I thought you were-"

"Javi. You're disappointed, I know."

"Not disappointed. Just surprised. What's up?"

"Thanks for swingin' by."

You raised a brow, tilting your head in confusion. "I'm here to grab files."

"Bullshit. We could've faxed them to you. I know you're here to check on him. Considering what he did, you're a damn saint."

Your voice was quiet, eyes fixed on the linoleum beneath you. "He told you?"

"Didn't have to. I'd ask if you're okay but I know you're not."

"Did he tell you why?"

Blue eyes widened. "Why?"

"Nevermind."

"Look, Javi's an idiot. The biggest dumbass I've ever met in my damn life. I couldn't tell you why. What I can tell you is that it has nothing to do with you. He's fucked up in the head. It didn't mean anythin'."

"That's almost worse."

"I'm doin' a shit job of making you feel better, huh?"

You let out a laugh and shook your head. "I shouldn't care. He said he didn't do relationships. I believed him, I just didn't listen."

"He didn't listen to himself either, Y/N. Trust me. He hates that he hurt you. Look, I gotta run but I just wanted to check on you. You're here checking on us but you need it, too."

"Thanks, Steve."

You gave him a grateful smile and he met it with his own. Then, he walked out and left you with your own thoughts again.

Only one question ran through your mind. It had been running through your mind since that night.

_Why?_

Then, it branched off into a million other questions. Why did you fall in love with him? Why did he act like he cared? Why did he cheat? Why did he feel bad? Why was she who he'd turned to? Why was fucking her better than talking to you? Why did you still care about him? Why did you still want to be around him?

_Why?_

_Love._

That was the only answer you could come up with. Love was messy. Love could be kind but it wasn't always. Love made people do stupid things. Love made people hurt.

Pushing aside your tortured thoughts, you grabbed the stack of files, smaller than you'd wanted, and walked out of the room. You were going to leave, when you spotted Javi sitting alone at his desk. He was a good distance away, but you could still make out the heaping pile of smoked cigarettes in his ashtray. What else? A half empty bottle of whiskey and a full glass in front of him. He looked exhausted. 

You should've left him there. Alone. It was what he deserved after everything he'd done to you. Then again, you shouldn't have even come here. You'd never listened to your conscience before. 

_Why start now?_

Chewing the inside of your cheek, you made your way over to his desk and plopped yourself into what was probably Steve's chair. "When did you eat last?"

He looked at you like you were crazy. "Why does that-"

"Javier. When did you eat last?"

He thought about it for a second and then shrugged. "I don't know. Breakfast?"

You grabbed the bottle and tossed it into one of Steve's drawers, ignoring the yell of protest. "Let's go."

You stood up and pushed the chair back into its rightful place. Then, you smoothed out your jeans and looked at him. He hadn't moved an inch. Instead, he was still staring at you as if you were nuts.

Maybe you were.

"Javier, let's go. You need to eat. Your breakfast was probably just coffee. Starving yourself won't help you work."

Groaning, he pressed a thumb to his forehead and gave you a reluctant nod. "Fine. No tamales, though."

"Steve going through another al pastor phase?"

The agent nodded, standing up and grabbing his leather jacket off the chair. He took another quick drag off his almost dead cigarette and pushed it against the ashtray. Then, grabbing the files he'd been reading, he motioned for you to walk. You grabbed your own stack, too.

"What are we eating, hermosa?"

He'd been calling you that damn pet name since just after you'd gotten here and you'd be lying if you said it didn't make your body warm. You tried your best to ignore the familiar feeling as you walked ahead of him. You also tried to ignore the suspicion that his gaze was probably directly on your ass as you stepped out of the building.

One look behind you confirmed it. 

You rolled your eyes, attempting to ignore his stare as you instinctively swayed your hips. "Cabrón."

He came up beside you and let out a laugh, one that didn't quite reach his eyes. Instead of the life they usually held, chocolate orbs swirled with pain and remorse. You weren't sure if the remorse was because of the recent loss or aimed more at what he'd don't to you. A silent apology. 

Noticing your watchful gaze, he gave you an uneasy smile. "You're right."

"I know." You smiled back at the agent and then let out a laugh. "What exactly am I right about this time?"

"I'm an asshole."

There was no humor in his tone. No playfulness. None of the typical Javi toying around.

Instead, his voice was heavy with regret.

You sighed, grabbing the files from his hand and peeking into them. "It's not your fault, Javi. Men die constantly in Colombia, especially at the hands of Pablo Escobar."

He pulled the files away and grabbed your hand, effectively stopping you as the two of you walked toward your car. "That's not what I'm talking about, hermosa."

You already knew. You knew exactly what he'd been talking about. He'd tried earlier and here he was trying again. You still didn't want to talk about it yet. The sting was too fresh. 

If you talked about it now, you'd surely break down.

Standing beneath a light in the parking lot, you sighed and turned toward him. "I know. I don't want to talk about it. So, let's talk about work."

"I'm so-"

You shook your head, pinning him with a glare. "You never apologize for anything, Javier. Don't start right this second. I don't want to hear it. I want to hear about work. What's the next move? How is Pablo Escobar going to pay for what he's done?"

He wanted to say something about the lie. It was true most of the time. He never apologized for anything. The only exception? He'd apologized to you far too many times to count. 

Tired eyes were downcast and the agent chewed on the outgrown hairs of his mustache. He wanted to lay it all out. He wanted to beg for forgiveness. He wanted to grab you and pull you close, swearing that it had meant nothing and he'd never do it again.

He wanted you to take him back, in any capacity.

This was it. 

He looked up, meeting your eyes, and he knew instantly. This was the level you'd let him in at now. This was all you'd give him. You still cared and, for that, he was grateful. You weren't lovers, though. You weren't dating. You weren't romantically involved anymore.

You were colleagues.

Nothing more.

Running a hand through his hair, Javi nodded. "Okay. Food first. Then we'll talk about what we've each got. _Talk_. You're not getting any fucking closer to Escobar than that. Deal?"

"Deal."


	12. Details.

Fingers clutching tightly at your long hair, Javi groaned as you ran your tongue along the underside of him. He was sprawled out on your couch, another random telenovela on in the background as you knelt on the hardwood beside him. You were wearing that same low cut blouse that you'd worn the first day he met you. That shirt drove him insane every time you put it on. It perfectly accentuated your ample bosom and simultaneously let him reminisce, a dangerous combination.

Javi watched you, eyes slightly glazed over, as you bobbed your head and took him deeper into your throat. He groaned, throwing his head back against the arm of your couch. He was certain that there was no greater feeling than your lips around his throbbing cock. The warmth of your mouth taking him deep and the hallowing of your cheeks were both enough to make him cum right then.

He was so fucking close. 

You hummed around him, just how you knew he liked, and the agent tightened his hold in your dark locks. "Let me cum in that pretty mouth, hermosa."

Releasing him with a loud pop, you flicked your tongue against his tip and smiled. "Anything you want, Javi. Anything."

"You're fucking perfect."

You laughed softly and nodded, leaning forward to run your tongue up from the base to the tip of him. He sucked in a breath as you swirled your tongue around his swollen head. Then, you lowered your mouth onto him once more, easing your mouth down to his base. He guided your head slowly, reveling in the feeling of the familiar warmth. Suddenly, a phone was ringing. You went to pull off him again and he shook his head.

"I got it. Please, hermosa. I'm so fucking close."

You hummed around him again and he let out a cuss, arm reaching over to the coffee table to grab the phone. It kept ringing. Pulling the other hand out of your hair, he rubbed his fingers against his temple and groaned in annoyance. The ringing still continued.

It got louder, until finally he grabbed the phone and-

* * *

Tired, brown eyes snapped open and he groaned, this time not in pleasure. His entire body was sore and, as he tried to stretch out, the agent realized why. The amazing dream he'd been having wasn't completely imaginary. 

He was, in fact, on your couch. 

Sitting up, Javi rubbed at his neck and glanced down at the ringing phone. "I know _positively_ that it's not yours this time. I got it."

His gaze flicked toward you as you came out of the kitchen, looking like a vision. Your hair was partially pinned back by a large barrette, the waves cascading down your shoulders, and you had put on earrings. Dainty little pearls that gleamed in the light. Your makeup was already done, lips glossy with a gorgeous shade of coral. You'd foregone pants today, opting for a white pencil skirt and a simple pink blouse.

A smile spread across his lips as he took you in. "Hermosa."

You stopped halfway, eyes widening in surprise, before letting out a laugh. "Told you, if you compliment me too much then I'll get a big head."

The ringing continued and he cocked his head. "Guess that must be important if they keep calling."

You made your way beside him and sat down, grabbing the phone. "Bueno."

He watched you as you spoke, chewing the inside of your lip. He knew he probably looked like a mess, hair wild and clothes wrinkled. He probably didn't look a fraction of how good you did. Another reminder that you were far too good for him, as if he needed one. 

Whoever was on the other end of that call was clearly agitating you and he watched as your jaw clenched. "-all due respect, Ambassador, I don't think you know what you're asking. I'm fully aware that you asked to speak with the President. I'm sure you can understand, though, that these have been a rough last few days and he is a very busy man. No, he resigned. Until his position is filled, you'll have to bear with me. I'll be in touch with the DEA and your office about proceedings with Search Bloc. Anything else? Great. Feel free to call if you think of anything."

You hung up and sighed, tossing the phone onto the coffee table. Pressing your palms together, you hunched over and took a deep breath to steady yourself. The last 48 hours had been some of the most grueling of your career and you were beginning to wonder if any of it had been worth it. If you really had the willpower left to carry on what Sandoval couldn't. 

You felt the couch move slightly and you turned to find a concerned pair of brown eyes staring at you. "Are you okay?"

You let out an empty laugh and shook your head. "I have to go to work today and pretend like there's not an empty desk staring at me. I have to play liaison between two stressed out governments and also support a man that's carrying far too much. Gaviria needs me and I'm a fucking mess. I don't know how to do any of this without Eddy. Javi, I don't-"

Your voice broke and he pulled you into him, shushing you and rubbing a hand across your clothed back. "You'll figure this out. Everything will be okay."

You mumbled against his chest. "Gaviria called me last night after you fell asleep. Super late. I almost didn't answer."

_That was strange._

"What did he want?"

You took another deep breath to calm down and pulled away, looking up at him. "I'm about to tell you something that nobody's supposed to know yet. They're going to be bringing in a new Colonel-"

Javi clicked his tongue, "He's barely in the fucking ground."

It was your turn to comfort him, pressing a palm to his cheek. "I know. I hate it, but you know how it goes around here. Colonel Hugo Martinez is the top pick. You probably don't know the name. He's by the book, Javi. He won't pull what Carrillo did. Not even close. He's a good man but he's not going to be okay with the amount of bloodshed that this war has left. He won't allow it. So, be careful."

"Is he dirty?"

You shook your head. "No. He's a family man. His son's a cop. Look, all I'm saying is that whatever you've done with Carrillo before won't fly this time. It'll all be old school."

"Who picked him?"

You stayed silent, debating on whether or not to answer. It didn't matter. Your silence was as much of an answer as anything you could say. You watched as the gears slowly turned in his head. Soon enough, brown eyes widened and the muscles in his jaw tightened.

"You did? You picked him?"

"Nothing's been decided yet. That's what I needed the files for. Either way, I can't let Gaviria bring in another Carrillo and run the risk of more interrogation. He's under too much scrutiny already." You looked up at the clock and sighed. "Look, I have to go. You can stay if Steve picks you up, but lock the door when you leave."

"You don't care if he asks questions?"

Grabbing your keys, you turned your head toward him just before you got to the door. "You're the one who has to answer them, Javi. Not me. Besides, nothing happened."

He chewed the inside of his cheek, thinking long and hard about something before speaking again. "I'm sorry. About everything. What I did."

There were no tears this time. No watering of your eyes. Your face was completely blank as he apologized to you again. You put on a face like it didn't matter to you. Like you'd come to terms with what had happened. After all, he'd never been yours. He was free to sleep with whoever he pleased. He'd never claimed to be loyal to you. He didn't do relationships.

_Right?_

You shrugged at him and watched his eyes widen in surprise at your nonchalant response. "Don't be. You're a single man. We're not dating. You can fuck whoever you want. I complicated things when I said they didn't need to be. You can walk away with a clear conscience, Javi."

No, he couldn't. 

Why didn't you see that? Why didn't you see how badly it was eating him up inside? Why didn't you notice that he looked at you in a way he'd never looked at anyone else? Why couldn't you see that even his sleep was plagued by thoughts of you? Why didn't you know how he felt about you?

You gave him a forced smile and a wave as you opened the door, walking out and leaving him swimming in his own thoughts. 

What he didn't notice? 

The way your fake smile immediately dropped when you closed the door behind you. The glistening of unshed tears in your eyes as you pretended not to care, despite it all. The shaky breath you let out as you walked to your car and drove to work. The sharp pain that dug itself into your chest every time you looked at him. The way your fingers clenched the steering wheel far too tightly as you drove just a little too fast. 

* * *

You made it to work in record time. 

Walking quickly through the halls, you didn't even stop for coffee. You had far too much to do today and very little time to do it. You'd already gotten two calls just on the way in and you could feel the coming of a headache. Sighing, you pressed your fingers against your forehead as you made it to your desk. 

Looking up, you stopped at the sight.

_Flowers?_

Blinking just to make sure you weren't hallucinating, you inspected the arrangement. It wasn't conventional by any means, a mixture of small, dusty pink flowers and white lilies. It was beautiful. Not as beautiful as the ones Javi had brought you before, but you tried to brush off the thought.

You were thankful, except for the fact that you had no idea who sent them.

"Secret admirer?"

You jumped at the sound of Gaviria's voice and whipped around with a hand on your chest. "You scared me, sir."

His lips were pressed in a firm line and you stared back at him with compassionate eyes as he spoke. "They're pretty."

Fingers brushing along the petals, you nodded. "They are. Gorgeous."

"Who are they from?"

_That was a good question._

Brows furrowed, you set your purse down and leaned forward to inspect the bouquet. They were sat in a beautiful, near translucent vase. Eyeing it carefully, you couldn't find a card anywhere. Finally, you found one tucked between two of the larger lilies. A small white square that had blended in with the foliage. Nimble fingers pulled it out and you inspected it.

_Cl 140 No. 12B-18, C.P 11001_

_Friday. 6 pm. You'll know which table. Don't be late._

"Weird. It's just an address, a date, and a time."

That caught the man's attention and he leaned out of the doorway. You caught the sound of him asking the new receptionist something and he was back in the room within a second.

"She said an American brought them in. She thinks maybe DEA."

Now you were really confused. "Why would Agent Murphy bring me flowers?"

He gave you a knowing look, as if to say he thought the other American sent them, but kept his response simple. "I have no idea."

Shrugging, you turned back to the president and smiled. "Sorry, you probably came here to talk to me about something. Right?"

He nodded, appearing to think long and hard about something. "Come into my office, please."

_Uh oh._

You weren't sure what you had done to warrant this, but you'd never been called into his office alone before. It felt similar to being called to the principal's office at school. You felt like you were about to get reprimanded for something. What? You had absolutely no clue. 

You followed him silently, entering the large room and watching as he closed the door. He waved a hand at the chair across from his desk, motioning for you to sit. You obliged. You took a deep breath and sat down in one of the plush chairs, crossing your legs and awkwardly setting your hands in your lap. You chewed the inside of your lip and looked up to meet a serious gaze. His stare caused you to swallow thickly.

"Is something the matter, sir?"

"Do you like working here, Y/N?"

You coughed, eyes wide in surprise. "Um, what?"

He folded his hands together, leaning forward and asking again. "Do you like working here? For the President of Colombia?"

"I like working for you."

He shook his head, "I don't mean specifically for me. In general. Do you like your job?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

You were extremely uncomfortable and he must have sensed it, sighing and clearing his throat. "I want you to think about your career. Really think. I'm more than halfway through my term. It's almost Christmas and, now that Eduardo is gone, I want you to think about your options. This war with Pablo Escobar may never end. The war on drugs most certainly won't. I don't know what the future holds, but I want you to be prepared. For change."

"Is everything okay, sir?"

"I don't know. Do you think it is?"

That was a heavy question. One that made you genuinely think about what he'd just said to you. Short answer? _No_. Long answer? _It was complicated._ Nothing had ever truly been okay in Colombia. The country was a mess. The people were terrified. Bloodshed surrounded you in the streets. 

Hell, even your personal life was a fucking shit show.

"No. No, I don't. This war feels never ending. We've been going at this for more than two years and it started even before you took office. Not having Eddy around is weird. It doesn't feel right, probably for either of us. Carrillo is gone. It's taking its toll on everyone."

He nodded grimly and gave you another serious look before reaching into his desk and sliding you a printed document. "This is a letter of recommendation. For you. It's not dated. I'll leave that part for you. You're an incredible member of my staff, Y/N. That being said, I also consider you a friend. I can't leave you to fight this battle with me. If you find yourself in too deep and you want to move on, use this. Please."

Your eyes were wide in surprise, raking over the pristine white of the letter. It was a glowing recommendation. He'd put in numerous details about your work ethic and what you had to offer an employer. It would no doubt get you into a plethora of openings, regardless of your experience. You could push your way into nearly any department of the government, maybe save for the attorney general's office, with it. You found yourself eternally grateful for the opportunities it would open and you smiled at him.

"Thank you. Really, it means a lot to me. Can I ask, though? Why now?"

Gaviria sighed. "Eduardo is gone. The amount of stress you're under isn't what you signed up for. I can't promise it will get any better. So, I'm giving it to you now. You have as much time to think about your options as you need. I won't force you to go but I want you to think about your safety and your future. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Thank you."

He gave you a smile and dismissed you, letting you walk back to your desk. Your mind was racing with thoughts. You hadn't thought much about it recently but now, holding this letter, it was all you were thinking about. You needed an outside opinion on the matter. You knew Eduardo would say to get out now, while it was still somewhat easy. Your parents would say the same. After all, your father had seen how worn down you'd looked and, even though work hadn't actually been the culprit, you'd told him work had made you look that way. 

Taking a deep breath, you picked up your phone and dialed. She picked up on the third ring.

"This is Monica, how can I help you?"

You snorted at her professional voice. "That's worse than my voice on the phone. Real estate has made you a robot."

She squealed through the receiver and you winced at the sound. "Y/N! You haven't called in so long I was starting to think my sister had forgotten about me."

You instantly felt bad. Work, and life in general, had been so busy that you hadn't called her more than twice in nearly a year. Not since July. Now, it was almost holiday season again and you hadn't called her.

You groaned, closing your eyes. "I'm so sorry. I'm the worst sister ever."

"It's okay. What's not okay is that you kept a secret from me!"

"What secret?"

"You spent last Christmas with an attractive man, that wasn't Eddy, and you didn't even say anything! You're the worst!"

You threw your head back against your chair. "Our father is the biggest chismoso. He's worse than Mom."

She laughed. "I know but it's great for me because I always know what you're up to! So, spill. I wanna know everything about the handsome cop with the mustache."

"There's nothing to spill, hermanita. It was just a fling. It's over now."

That was quite possibly the biggest lie you'd ever told. 

"Really? Lame. I was really hoping you'd actually met someone good this time. Was he at least good in bed?"

You laughed, grateful that the conversation had steered away from actual emotions. "Oh yeah. Best I've ever had, by far. The things that man can do with his tongue-"

"¡Sucia! I love it. Carmela said he brought you to the hospital to see our drunken father. That's sweet."

"Just a favor. Nothing more."

"You sure? You sound disappointed."

You bit your lip, absentmindedly fiddling with one of the leaves on the bouquet at your desk. Part of you wanted to tell her everything. It wasn't why you'd called, but you wanted her opinion on the matter. She'd been in the same relationship for years, bordering on married without a ring. Her time was coming, too. Your mother had told you the other day that her boyfriend had bought her a ring and was planning to propose after their anniversary this year. Maybe around Christmas. The same Christmas that was quickly approaching.

So, if anyone in your life was an expert on relationships, it was your little sister.

Sighing, you complied. "Okay. You want the truth?"

"Duh."

She responded quickly and it made you smile. "I like him. A lot. More than I should. Javi is way too deep in his job right now. Not good at commitment. We had this thing going for a while. It just ended recently. Kind of a fling but kind of not."

"A fling that lasted almost a year?"

You snickered. "Fair. Anyway, it was really good. Like, really good. We'd get food, have mind blowing sex and sometimes even spend the night at each other's houses. Thing is, he slept with someone else."

"No. He fucking did not."

"He did. He came to my house with her fucking lipstick on his mouth. I got pissed at him, he apologized, I threw a fucking shoe at my door and screamed at him to go away. He did. I think I know why he did it. It doesn't make it feel any better, though."

"What do you mean you know why?"

You sighed. "It's complicated. He's DEA. His work is absolutely awful. I mean, terrifying and disturbing. The kind of shit that you pray you'll never see. I mean, you've been down here. It's chaos."

"He's fighting a drug war in a country that isn't even his. Damn."

"Yep. So, I can't fault him for needing the distraction. Plus, we never really said we were together. I said it didn't need to be complicated and then I threw a fit when he slept with someone else. Am I an asshole?"

"No. You're not an asshole at all. I think you have to decide something, though. You called it a fling. Is that really what it was to you? If it lasted that long, was it really that simple?"

The question made you think and you pressed your forehead into your palm, leaning over the desk in silence.

A fling? Absolutely not. You loved him.

"No."

She laughed sadly through the phone. "Then tell him that."

You shook your head even though she couldn't see you. "I can't. He told me he doesn't do relationships, Monica. He made it clear. He said-"

"Then why'd he say he was sorry? Why feel bad about sleeping with another woman if you don't at least feel something? Hell, why even sleep with someone for that many months if they mean nothing to you?"

_Shit_. She had a point. You knew Javi found comfort in you. To what extent, you had no idea. You'd become somewhat of a pillar for him when he found himself dealing with a particularly rough day. You wanted to be there for Javi. Whenever and however he needed you.

"He slept over last night."

You let the admission pour from your lips and she groaned. "You slept with him?"

"No. I didn't. He slept on my couch. I went to see him after a really rough day at work and he looked like he was having a shitty time too. So, we got food. We got food and talked work for a little while. Then we drank a bit and he passed out on my couch. What was I supposed to do? Kick him out?"

"Push him off and tell him it's payback for fucking an inferior woman."

"You're evil."

"I know. I don't know how Ricky's survived with me for six years."

"Has it been six years already? Damn. That's incredible."

She giggled happily and the sound made you both happy and sad at the same time, envy rearing its ugly head into your chest. "Oh! Before I forget to tell you. We'll be down in Colombia for Christmas!"

Your eyes widened in surprise. "Really?"

"Uh huh! Ricky surprised me for our anniversary with a trip to Bogotá. Mom's coming, too. I'm excited to see you and Papa!"

You smiled knowingly. "I'm excited to see you. I miss you. You and Mom. I'm sorry I haven't been up to visit."

"It's okay. We miss you but you work for the fucking President! We understand. It'll be nice this year because I'll see you in a few weeks and then again in May. You better not cancel on us again!"

_Right_. You'd had to skip the family trip this year because of all the chaos. Then, you had invited Javi to next year's. What a mess.

"I'm sorry-"

"It's okay. We get it. We didn't end up going, so we used the refund on our anniversary and then Mom used hers for the flight to Colombia! Win, win."

You laughed. "Smart. I'm excited. It'll be really nice. Maybe I'll come up for Christmas next year, too."

"Don't wanna spend that one fucking a hot guy?"

"I was really hoping we were done talking about Javi."

She laughed and clicked her tongue. "No such luck. Look, his work is important and I get it, but so is yours. You work for the most important man in Colombia. Your time is precious. He shouldn't take that for granted. If you're willing to give him the little time that you have, then he should do the same. If he cares about you, he'll try. If not, kick him to the curb. Or just be friends because I know you won't actually ignore his ass."

"Okay."

"Oh, and if he comes to his senses this year, then you're required to bring him with you on Christmas!"

That wasn't going to happen. There was no way in hell that you were going to convince Javi to do quite that much. Especially when your sister was going to get proposed to.

If that wasn't a commitment-phobe's worst nightmare, you didn't know what was.

"I'll try."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. Now, speaking of my employment, I want to talk to you about something else."

"Man, I should've grabbed some wine."

"It's like eight in the morning over there."

"Mimosa?"

You laughed and shook your head at her antics. "You're ridiculous. Anyway, the President just had a long talk with me."

"Uh oh."

"No, not bad. He basically gave me an out. The country's been crazy. One of our Colonel's just got slaughtered by Pablo Escobar-"

"I'm so sorry, Y/N."

You sighed and continued. "Thanks. It's been awful. Right now I'm working on finding a replacement for that position right now. Anyway, the President handed me a letter of recommendation today and told me to use it whenever it feels like the time."

"You're wondering when you should use it. I got you. Well, how are you feeling?"

"Eddy just left. I'm a mess."

Her voice was a screech through the phone and you instinctively pulled it away for a second. "He left?!"

"He took the fall for the Colonel dying. It's a long story. Basically it was to help the President. Everyone's on our asses. The media, attorney general. Hell, even the people are confused on who to root for."

"You want my honest opinion?"

You braced yourself. "Of course."

"I think you should get out now. While the mess is still fixable. Pablo Escobar isn't someone to fuck with. I remember you calling me when Eddy was in La Catedral and you thought you'd never see him again. You were bawling. Terrified. I don't ever want to hear you like that again."

You remembered the night vividly. It was a constant reminder of how serious working for Gaviria truly was. It had only happened five months ago, but it felt like a lifetime. It weighed on you randomly from time to time now, usually when you thought about Eduardo's absence. It reminded you just how much he'd put into this, only to be pushed out when the heat got turned up. It made you question just how strong you were. 

Then again, you'd kept it all to yourself. The sheer panic that had consumed you that night. You hadn't leaned on Javi for support. Hadn't really been able to. You'd called him for guidance and comfort, but he hadn't answered. You'd had to call your sister to calm you down instead, only finding out later that Javi had been dealing with a different emergency. Javi also found out about La Catedral, but neither of you spoke of it.

All the events that had transpired that night had put things into perspective for you. 

It also made you question whether or not you could really handle being with Javi.

If he ever even wanted to, could you be with him despite knowing he could end up like Eduardo had? Face to face with Pablo Escobar. At his mercy. Or taken to some random house to see the Cali Cartel? Like Steve. Could you handle possibly losing Javi? Praying every night for him to be safe. Could you handle more nights like the one where he'd come to you at two in the morning, a shell of the man he was? When he'd told you the terrible things he'd seen.

Could you be that kind of woman for him?

The decisions you had to make were beginning to weigh on you, pushing your shoulders down into a slump. "Come back to California. Before you moved down there, you wanted a job at the Embassy, right? Do it. With that letter, you could easily jump into that. Move to Los Angeles. Get away from all that pain, sis. Please. We worry about you. Don't let it break you down."

"I'll think about it. I promise."

That seemed to be enough for her and she ended the phone call. "Okay, good. I love you. I'll see you soon! Be safe. Also, kick that DEA man's ass. Whip him into shape, okay? If not, then I guess bring Eddy to Hawaii next year like that one time. You know it would make Mom happy."

You laughed at her honest outburst. "Okay. I love you, too. I'll see you in a few weeks."

You heard the receiver click and you set the phone down, fiddling with the card from the flowers again. You had a strange feeling in your gut about them. Part of you wanted to call Javi. To ask him if he knew anything or, at the very least, to let him know about it just in case it was dangerous. Then again, if he didn't know, then how would he feel about you getting random flowers? Not that it was his problem. You exhaled loudly and pocketed the address, opting to meet whoever it was there at the appropriate time. It was probably a terrible idea, considering the profession you worked in. Still, you couldn't help but be intrigued enough to make another rash decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asdfghjkl I kinda wanna make you guys wait for the next chapter, buuuuut I'm in a generous mood and my internet is officially okay so guess who's posting the next one in less than an hour! Woop woop~
> 
> Also, maybe I'm selfishly doing it because I know for a fact that there will be only one chapter next week......XD


	13. Impetuous.

Javi's jaw clenched tightly, molars grinding together as he fumed. He had a lot to be angry about as of late. Carrillo's death during that ambush. Pablo still trying to cut deals. The shady antics of Judy Moncada and Don Berna. 

Oh, and he couldn't forget about the lack of your presence in his life. Sure, you'd come to him that one night and let him sleep over, but the two of you weren't exactly on speaking terms. You hadn't called him since and he was really starting to feel your absence. What was worse? He kept having these damn recurring dreams about you and it was making him wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. It was either an inappropriate dream about you, or it was a nightmare about you getting caught in the middle of all this mess. 

The agent was impossibly tired and currently with a throbbing headache. So, it should have come as no surprise to anyone when he was rough with the girl that had tricked him. Maritza gave him some sob story about Limón tricking her and Pablo using her, but he was having none of it. Javi cuffed her and then pulled her away from the window.

"You're breaking my fucking heart, baby."

He pushed her to the center of the room and pinned her with a hard stare. She gave him some spiel about nobody ever listening and he threw a chair. She wasn't wrong. He wasn't listening.

He never listened. Not to her. Not to Steve. Not to you.

Hell, he barely listened to Trujillo when he asked what they should do with the young woman. 

Running a hand down his face, Javi stopped for a second to think. He pushed aside the tortured thoughts of you. He pushed away the vivid memory of bullet holes littering Carrillo's car. He brushed off his anger at Don Berna.

Focus. He needed to focus.

If he was going to push you away for something, then it needed to be fucking worth it. He needed this. He needed to catch Escobar. He needed to follow some sort of lead and catch the bastard, otherwise he'd never be able to live with himself. 

If he didn't have a hand in stopping Pablo Escobar, then he was just a broken man that had ruined his entire life for nothing.

He needed to think about his actions this time instead of simply reacting.

The agent stopped for a second, holding a finger up as an idea hit him. "Limón. ¿Sabes cómo contactarlo?"

The girl stared back at him in confusion, bordering on disbelief, but she nodded slowly. "Sí."

Javi eyed the other man in the room, Trujillo giving a silent nod in response. "Llámalo. Ahora. Dile que necesitas hablar. Cara a cara."

The worry was evident on her pretty features and it reminded him of someone. You. The concern that etched her face was bringing Javi back to the night he'd come to you in agony. That torturous night when Carrillo had shot a teenager in front of him. When you'd comforted him with your body, despite being upset with him. 

Every single move he made, every person he saw, reminded him of you. He couldn't get you off his mind. He couldn't shake the longing he felt.

What was worse?

He couldn't help but picture the disappointed look you'd given him before, as he thought about all the ways this plan was fucked up. 

Maritza had given him the intel that got Carrillo killed. He was fairly certain she hadn't actually been in on the plan, though. She was just a scared young woman, tempted previously by the promise of money, with a daughter that she wanted to protect. He was taking just as much advantage of her desperation now as Pablo and Limón. He was no better than them. 

You'd be disgusted if you knew how he used people to get to Escobar. He was sure of it.

* * *

You bit your lip in contemplation, internally struggling with your decision. You'd told Javi about the chosen Colonel, sure, but you hadn't told him all the details. Details like the fact that you'd poured over file after file in search of someone trustworthy. Details like how you knew Hugo Martinez would hardly agree without a nudge in the right direction. Details about how you'd gone up to the Colonel's son yourself and asked him to be a part of Search Bloc.

You'd used your position, and even your own womanly charm, to convince a kid to join a suicide squad of sorts. All just to force Martinez's hand.

You stared in the mirror of your bathroom and gripped the sink tight. You hated yourself. Hated the woman you saw in the reflection. You hated what you'd had to become just to help a country that barely cared. Staring at your own tortured expression, you let out a whimper and watched the tears fall. You wondered if maybe this was what Eddy had meant when he'd told you not to get lost in it all. If this was the point of no return that your sister hadn't wanted you to reach.

Was this what Javi had meant when he'd begged you not to get closer? 

You'd just forced a man and his only son to join Search Bloc, and for what? To stop Pablo Escobar? 

If you had a badge like Javi, you'd have thrown it on the ground too.

Letting out a wheeze, you furiously wiped at your under eyes and forced yourself out of the bathroom. It was then that you remembered. Today was Friday. Friday was the date on those flowers.

"Shit!"

You looked up at the clock, noting the time as 5:48 pm. That meant you had twelve minutes to get to that address. You fumbled with your purse and grabbed your keys, bolting to your car. 

It took you a whole eleven minutes to get to the little restaurant. It took you only thirty seconds to find your nauseating date for the night. You recognized the crown of a balding head from across the room and your stomach did a weird flip. He wasn't facing you. If you turned around and left, he'd never even know. 

Except, he was CIA so he would _definitely_ know you'd been there.

You headed to the bar, forcing a smile at the bartender and ordering a glass of whiskey. Then, only after you'd downed it and ordered another, you moved toward the table. You saw him check his watch and you pulled out the chair from across him.

"I wasn't late. Just needed a drink before I got sucked into whatever bullshit you want to feed me."

Stechner laughed, nodding in approval at your choice of drink. "Peña certainly met his match in you."

"Cut the crap. You're not here to talk about Javi."

He slid a manila folder in your direction and leaned forward, smiling menacingly. "Oh, but I am. You know, your boyfriend should really choose his friends a little more carefully."

"Javi is not my boyfriend. We're colleagues at best."

What a lie. He looked like he didn't believe it for a second and you couldn't say you did either. The word 'colleague' sounded disgusting when using it to describe someone that had dug their way so deeply into your heart. 

"Is fuckbuddies more appropriate?"

"Fuck you."

He chuckled, sipping his own glass. "You know, when I first met you I thought you were an innocent little receptionist."

"So sorry to disappoint."

"No you're not. You're not sorry. If you were, you'd have taken that recommendation letter and left the country by now."

Your eyes widened in surprise and your body went cold. "How the fuck-"

"I know everything. About you. About Agent Peña. About what he's been up to lately. Do you? Know everything about him?"

Your gaze flickered down to the folder and you took a deep breath before opening it. You stilled at the sight of what was inside. Photos. Photo after photo of the handsome DEA agent you knew and a few familiar faces. You'd never been fully integrated into the investigations, but you knew the key players. You'd seen faces on the faxes and reports that Eddy had you deliver before his departure.

You knew just enough to know that Javi was making deals with the devil.

Working with narcotraffickers to catch another narcotrafficker. Absolutely insane. Impulsive. Irrational. 

The old you would have called it disgusting. The mere concept of agreeing to work with drug lords should have made you want to vomit. The thing was, the old you also would have turned your nose at the idea of blackmailing a good man to get him to fight on your side. Wasn't that basically what you had done to Martinez?

Were you and Javi really that different?

_No_. Not unless he felt no remorse, which you knew couldn't be true.

Still, these photos had the potential to be career ending.

So, it begged the question. Why was Stechner showing them to you?

You gave the CIA agent a level stare, refusing to give anything away. "You know, if you want Javi gone then I'm not exactly the person you should be showing these to."

The man across from you nodded. "I know. Maybe I just wanted to see how you'd react?"

The comment made you scoff. "Sorry to disappoint again."

"See, that's the thing. You didn't disappoint. I heard a rumor that you were put in charge of finding Carrillo's replacement. That means you were also the one behind convincing Martinez to take the job. Using his son as leverage? Brutal. Cunning, but ruthless."

You took another sip of the drink, trying not to think about the guilt that was eating away at you. "I was told to find a new Colonel. I did my job. Simple as that."

"It's never really that simple. Even you can recognize that."

"Why am I here? Also, why'd you send me flowers?"

The older man leaned back in his seat and laughed. "You guys got a new girl. Way more trusting than you. It took you three months of anyone showing up for you to let them in those doors. All I had to do was bring in some flowers and she let me stroll right in."

You rolled your eyes. "She wasn't my pick."

"No. Sandoval's, I believe? Not surprising. She almost looks like you."

Your gaze narrowed. "What are you implying, Stechner? If you have something to say, spit it out. Enough of this beating around the bush shit."

He slid another photo toward you, this time not shrouded in an envelope. You felt your face grow hot with embarrassment. The photo was clearly taken within the walls of your work building, the pristine white columns clear in the background. What shook you? The image in the middle of the photo, perfectly centered between two of the columns.

You and Eduardo Sandoval, lips locked and bodies pressed together.

You huffed, pulling the image toward yourself and tucking it into your purse. "Where'd you get this?"

The American simply shrugged. "A friend."

"You've got a lot of those, huh? Following everyone around. Is that how you get off? You sit at home, alone, and look at photos of other people making out?"

"So you admit you kissed your boss more than once?"

Your cheeks were ablaze with fury. "Fuck off. What do you want?"

The CIA agent leaned forward and smirked in amusement. "I like rattling you. It's fun. Know what I like more? Rattling Javier. It's difficult to do that when you're meddling in his problems."

_Meddling?_

"You're confused. Let me spell it out for you. Javier Peña is impulsive. It's one of his key flaws that I can hone in on. He's less impulsive when he's with you. You're levelheaded. You do all the thinking that I could count on him not to."

That was before. If he'd been paying as much attention as he claimed, he'd know just how much Javi had also changed you. You were impulsive now. Bold and reckless when it came to decision making. The situation with Martinez had been calculative, sure, but hardly well thought out. Kissing Eddy had been an instinctive reaction, backed by years of longing. 

Hell, sleeping with Javi in the first place had been a sign of your diminishing sensibility.

Even now, your brain was hardly able to keep up. You still didn't completely understand the CIA agent's goal. If anything, you were more confused. 

"In simple terms, me being with Javi is a problem for you?"

"You catch on quick."

You rolled your eyes, downing the last of your drink and pushing yourself out of the chair. "Problem already solved, then. I'm not sleeping with Javi anymore. He's a free man. Always was."

"Quit lying to yourself."

You snorted, rolling your eyes and sipping your drink again. "I don't lie to myself. Only other people."

"Like Javier?"

"Fuck you."

"Do me a favor? Keep giving him the cold shoulder. I liked how reckless he was before you, and I like how impetuous he is now even more."

"Impetuous? That's a big word for you."

The older man laughed, smirk making your blood run cold. "Can I make this simple for you?"

"Please do. I hate this conversation."

"Stay away from Agent Peña. He's better off without you. Vice versa."

"Wow, it's almost like you care."

He gave you a blank look, shaking his head. "Not at all. It's just easier to keep an eye on Peña without you."

"Whatever. My drink is on you. Compensation for this colossal waste of my time."

You ignored the smirking man as you left, not noticing the way he smiled at your response. If you'd have thought about it, you would have realized you were being impulsive again. Not calculative, like he had said you were. 

You were about to go do exactly what he'd thought you would. Exactly what he _wanted_ you to do.

* * *

Rubbing at the tension in his forehead, Javi dug into his pockets to find his keys. He wasn't paying attention to his surroundings. He'd just come back from another meeting with Don Berna and he was beyond exhausted. The partnership had its perks, sure. After all, they'd caught Velasco and a number of Pablo's other sicarios had already been taken down with him. 

Still, the weight of the situation was heavier than Javi wanted to carry.

He took another drag off the almost finished smoke and pulled the keychain out of his pocket. He didn't notice the presence of a familiar car on the street as he walked toward the steps. Hell, he didn't even notice the shadow lurking in front of the door. He was so exhausted that he missed about ten key details until you came into view.

The shoes were what he noticed first. A nice, pristine white pair of pumps that were at the top of his steps. He flicked the burnt out cigarette, effectively putting it out on the concrete, and he pulled the aviators off his nose. Then, he trailed his gaze up a familiar pair of legs that were attached to the feet that wore those heels.

"Hermosa."

You had this look on your face that he couldn't quite place and you gave him no chance to ask about it, tilting your head back. "You going to make me stand here all night or can we go inside? It's creepy out here."

"What are you doing here?"

"What, you don't like it when a woman shows up unannounced?" He made no move to come closer and you sighed. "Come on, Javi. Invite a girl in."

He lifted his brows and nodded, pressing his body close to yours to put the key in the lock. Your heart immediately sped up at his proximity. Even though you weren't seeing each other anymore, you couldn't help the reaction that he induced on you. His mere presence was enough to make your heartbeat erratic. 

It was infuriating. 

The only thing more infuriating was the way your pussy throbbed when you caught a whiff of his familiar scent. That smoky tobacco smell got you going so easily. It was unfair, really. 

He opened the door and you broke from your thoughts, brushing past him to walk over to the couch. "Sure. Make yourself at home."

You rolled your eyes at him, though he couldn't see it. "Rough day at work? You're in a mood."

"I'm trying to figure out why you're here."

_Ouch_.

You let out a frustrated laugh, snapping back. "She must be good. You don't miss me at all."

That comment made the agent freeze, brown eyes flickering up to see you staring at him from across the room. He hadn't meant to sound indifferent to your presence. In fact, he liked that you were here. It had just been a really long couple of days and he was tired as all hell. He sighed, trailing his eyes down your tense form. Your face was blank, giving him absolutely no indication of whether or not you were joking before. You had to be. _Right?_ There was no possible way you actually thought he'd forgotten about you. 

It had only been a couple days since he'd last seen you and he'd thought about you nearly every minute.

Besides, he actually hadn't had sex since that night. The night he'd cheated. Well, cheated without cheating.

You turned away, a feeble attempt at hiding your discomfort. He saw it. He saw the glimpse of disappointment that tugged at your lips and the sight made his chest tighten. Then, it made a small smile form on his lips. He knew you well enough now to know your body language. You were genuinely asking if he missed you and trying to act like you didn't care. It was in the way you'd crossed your legs and the muscles in your neck had twitched. You missed him, too.

He was a truly fucked up individual to be happy about your upset. 

Smile widening under the mustache, Javi let out a laugh. "Hate to break this to you, hermosa, but I actually _did_ miss you. You know you're the one that left me last time, right?"

He shrugged off his leather jacket, tossing it uncaringly on the dining table, and he took a few long strides to come up beside you. Then, he plopped down on the couch and pulled your bare legs into his lap. You let out a noise of surprise, lined eyes widening in surprise.

"Javi, what are you-"

"Wouldn't have kept you waiting if I knew you were gonna be here, you know."

He pulled your heels off and pressed his thumb into the curve of your left foot, making you throw your head back with a moan. "Javi."

The familiar sound of his name rolling off your tongue did sinful things to the agent's body. His jeans were uncomfortably tight as he kept massaging your foot, receiving more pleased noises from you. He switched to the other aching arch, calloused fingers pressing firmly into the soreness. Then, he let his hands wander up your calves.

He made it all the way to your knees before you spoke again. "Stop."

His hands immediately stilled and he looked up, only to find your face flushed as you looked at him. "Whatever you want, hermosa."

_Whatever you want._

You knew exactly what you wanted. You'd come here to talk about those photos. Now? That was out the window. You couldn't care less about whatever he was doing with the Castaños and Don Berna. All that mattered was the familiar feeling of his hands as they trailed up your body.

It was a bad idea. Stupid, really. 

Still, you found yourself falling into the familiar temptation.

You shifted your legs in his lap, maintaining eye contact. "Can I ask you something?"

His thumb absentmindedly rubbed circles along the delicate skin of your inner knee and he shrugged. "Sure."

"Have you slept with her since?"

Tired, brown eyes widened in shock and his hand stilled. "What?"

You sighed heavily, pulling your legs off his lap and pushing yourself into a normal seated position beside him. "The woman you slept with that night. Have you had sex with her since?"

"No."

His response was lightning fast and you found yourself smiling slightly. "Good."

"Good?"

"Yeah. Good. If you wanted to again, you would have. Right? So, if you didn't, then that means you haven't wanted to."

"Regretted it as soon as I did it. Couldn't take it back, though."

The sincerity in those chocolate orbs made your heart skip and you gave him a weak smile. "I'm sorry I got mad at you about it."

"I cheated, hermosa. Why are _you_ apologizing?"

"You didn't technically cheat. We weren't together."

_Together_.

There was that word again.

The sound of it made knots form in his stomach and he reached a hand up to cup your cheek. "It felt like cheating."

"I came here to talk about work, you know. Not us."

"Maybe I wanna talk about us."

The pad of his thumb ran across your lower lip, picking up some of the peachy lipstick you'd worn. "Are you going to kiss me, Javi? Or are you just going to keep staring at me?"

He laughed. "Do you _want_ me to kiss you, hermosa?"

"Maybe."

"I need a yes or a no. Won't do it unless I know you want me to."

"Do _you_ want to?"

"More than anything. I wanna kiss you. Touch you. Sleep with you. All of it."

Your mind was slightly hazy at the sound of his words and you pushed aside all rational thought. You didn't care. You wanted all of those things and more. You wanted his hands on you. You wanted his mouth on you. You wanted to scream his name, over and over.

You wanted to be reckless again.

You pulled his hand away from your face and leaned forward, capturing his lips in yours. You were hesitant, unsure of just how much to give him, but he was having none of it. Javi instinctively wrapped his hands in your hair and tilted his head, slanting his mouth over yours and deepening the kiss. He nibbled on your lower lip and you gasped into him, allowing him the access to slide his tongue in.

You raked your fingertips down the center of his chest, catching on those familiar buttons of his shirt as you pulled away. "Touch me. Please."

"You sure?"

Were you sure? That was a good question. Your body was hot with desire but your brain was screaming at you. Telling you to stop. Reminding you of all the ways he'd let you down in the past. Flashing those stupid photos that Stechner had shown you. Putting piece by piece of evidence together to express to you that Javier Peña was no good. 

At least, no good for you and your aching heart. 

He was _definitely_ good to fix that ache down further.

You tugged a stray thread off one of his buttons and peered up at him. "I'm not sure about anything, Javi. I just know I don't want to talk right this second. I want to feel something. Anything."

You watched as his eyes gleamed with emotion, an inner turmoil activated in his messy mind. "Talk to me."

A tortured laugh escaped your lips and you pulled away, shaking your head. "Unbelievable. I'm coming to you like you came to me-"

"Don't be like me."

"Fine, Javi. You want to talk? Let's talk. Don Berna? Judy Moncada? The fucking Castaños, Javi? Really?"

The look of shock on his face had you shaking your head. You pushed yourself off the couch and stalked over to his kitchen, finding a bottle of whiskey easily. You poured yourself a large glass and chugged half of it, the burn serving as a welcomed distraction from the current conversation.

"How did you find out?"

"Does it matter, Javier? The point is, I know. If I know then that means other people could find out."

He let out a humorless laugh and raked a hand through messy, brown waves. "I met your Colonel today. Wants to do fucking grid searches like this is the goddamn fifties. He's gonna set us back, hermosa. The hell were you thinking?"

Grid searches were rational. Calculative. Smart.

Not _impetuous_.

Your blood was boiling and you didn't think about your words. "Are you seriously blaming this on me? Is it my fault that Carrillo died, Javi? I didn't realize that I put a bullet in his head."

The agent stilled. His entire body went rigid. You saw it. The change in his demeanor was bone chilling and you knew instantly that you'd hit a nerve. You'd never seen him like this. Not even that night when he'd come to you after watching Carrillo shoot a young teen. He looked tortured and guilty. You felt beyond bad about bringing it up again.

"You should go home. Thanks for the heads up but I can handle myself."

His voice was cold and you watched as his back turned toward you. It was then that you realized what the look in his eyes was. It was the same look that you'd seen in your own reflection earlier. It was the look of internal struggle. It was the familiar tug of a frown as he came to the same conclusion about himself that you had about yourself.

The both of you had fallen far too deep in this. It was making you become people you hated. 

He hated himself. You hated yourself.

You loved him. He maybe loved you.

The two of you were so broken. This war was becoming too much.

You were reaching your limit.

_Was he?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, these two are a mess, but boy do I love it when they're a mess together T_T 
> 
> I'm giving you guys two bonus chapters today, partially because I missed last Thursday and also because you're only getting one chapter next week on Tuesday. No extra chapter next week because the next chapter is....oof. In a bad way? In a good way? Who knows?
> 
> I'll see you guys then! Smooches~


	14. I Love You.

You woke up with a big stretch, effectively whacking whoever was beside you. You let out a scream of surprise and then heard the man beside you groan. How much had you had to drink last night? Your head was throbbing and you rubbed at your tired eyes before sitting up. You looked down, only to find yourself clad in a loose fitting t-shirt and your satin panties.

"You know, you could at least not hit me in the face."

Your face went hot and you turned to find Javi beside you, one eye cracked open to look at you. "Sorry. I didn't mean to."

He stretched out and then sat up beside you. "It's okay. I probably deserve it."

"You do."

Brown eyes widened in shock and the agent let out a loud laugh. "Fucking hell, you're evil."

"You like it."

"Maybe I do."

You hadn't noticed, but your body had instinctively leaned closer into his space and now the two of you were inches apart. You could feel the warmth of his breath as it fanned over your lips. You knew it was a bad idea. Giving into temptation like you almost had last night. Still, you couldn't help but get lost in that familiar look in his eyes. The look that you missed.

The look that made your heart flutter, in a way that only Javi could.

You swallowed thickly and rested a palm on his cheek, relishing in the feeling of stubble as it scratched your skin. Then, you leaned forward the extra inches and pressed your lips against his. You whimpered at the familiar feeling and he wrapped his hands around your waist, tugging the shirt up and brushing rough fingers against your soft skin. 

He pulled away first. "We shouldn't do this."

"We can stop if you want."

He groaned, pulling you closer. "I don't wanna stop, hermosa. I wanna stay in this bed with you all fucking day."

You kissed him again, tugging at his lower lip with your teeth. "Touch me, Javi."

Fingertips ghosted over your delicate skin and you wrapped both arms around his neck, pulling him closer for a deeper kiss. It felt like your entire body was humming with tension , a desperate desire for him to touch you more. 

A terrible idea, really. Kissing him. Touching him. Fucking him.

The thing was, you really didn't care.

He didn't either.

Javi tightened his grip on your waist, pulling you on top of him as he laid back down. You wrapped your legs around his hips, grinding down and gasping against his mouth as your clothed core brushed against his erection. He was wearing those sinful sweatpants again, the fabric only frustrating you this time. He looked damn good in them, but you wanted him in far less.

You pulled your arms from around Javi's neck and lifted yourself slightly, hooking your fingers into the waistband of the heathered material. You pulled the fabric halfway down his thighs, exposing his hard cock, and you could feel his hand tighten on your waist. 

Looking up at you, his jaw clenched. "Are you sure?"

"All fucking day or fucking all day?"

You smirked down at him, watching brown eyes widen and then crinkle in amusement. "Mala."

"You like it."

"Maybe I do."

He gave your ass a light smack and you giggled. You didn't bother pulling your panties off, only tugging them to the side as you sank down onto him. The both of you groaned in unison, your head rolling back at the familiar feeling. He was stretching you out, filling you in that delicious way that only Javi could. You stayed like that for a moment, cock buried deep inside you as you sat on him.

The agent thrusted gently and you gasped, grinding down on him and starting a slow rhythm. The angle had his cock brushing against your walls and you cried out. It made you want to move faster, chasing the release you hadn't had in far too long. Javi noticed the change and he tightened his hold on you, matching your movements with his own thrusts. 

You pressed your palms flat against his chest, his skin slightly tacky with sweat, and you rolled your hips with a loud moan. "Javi."

He threw his head back on the pillow. "Fucking hell, I missed you."

Thrusting upward again, the agent pulled himself up and held your body tightly to his. He buried his face into the crook of your neck and reveled in the sound of your cries as he fucked you. He wasn't lying. He really had missed you. He'd missed more than just this. More than fucking you. 

But, if this was the only part of yourself you'd give to him right now, he'd take it.

You bounced in his lap and his hands trailed up your sides, kneading at your flesh as he made his way up to your breasts. He brushed his thumbs across your nipples and sucked lightly on the juncture of your neck. The familiar feeling of Javi marking you made your pussy throb, walls tightening around his cock. 

One of his hands moved down to grab a palmful of your ass and he leaned forward, pressing you onto your back. "Javi."

You gasped and he trailed his lips down your neck and throat. "Say it again. Louder. I wanna hear my name falling off those pretty lips, hermosa."

His thrusts were rougher, calloused hands running across every inch of soft skin that they could find. The new position had your eyes rolling back, body arched so the thin cotton shirt slowly fell back. He snapped his hips against yours and you let out a loud cry, body spasming as you reached your orgasm. 

"Javi!"

"That's it. My name's the only one I ever wanna hear you scream."

You whimpered, cheeks flushed as you rode the current of pleasure like a wave. He kept going, forcing you to gasp. He was close. The clamping down of your body around his cock always made him finish quickly. Javi grit his teeth, keeping an eye on your satisfied face as he thrusted. The absolute look of bliss on your pretty features was more than enough to make him come undone. His hips jerked and he grunted loudly, spilling cum into you.

He collapsed onto you, careful not to crush you. The two of you stayed like that for a few minutes, panting and gasping as you caught your breath. You moved first, brushing your thumb across the back of Javi's neck and pressing your lips to his shoulder. He moved his head from your neck and looked over at you.

"Want me to get off?"

"I think you already did."

You snickered and he rolled his eyes, pinching your butt cheek. "Mala."

You giggled and then let out a gasp as he pulled out of you. He ran his hands down your body, tracing every curve. Memorizing you with his fingertips, as if it were the last time he'd get to see you like this. Then, he pressed his lips against yours for a gentle kiss.

You pulled away, rolling out from under him and standing up from the bed. You tugged your underwear back into place, wiggling slightly as cum pooled out onto the satin. Then, you found your clothes from last night. You pulled the wrinkled pencil skirt off the floor and quickly zipped it on. Then, you tugged his shirt off and replaced it with your blouse, quickly buttoning the silky material.

When you were fully dressed, you looked up and found Javi already staring at you, a disappointed look in his eyes. "Don't give me that look, Javi. You used to do the same thing to me."

Brown eyes widened as he registered the weight of your words. You weren't wrong. Before, when the two of you would have sex, he'd leave first. You'd invite him over for dinner, have sex, and then he'd leave. He hardly ever stayed for long after. It was routine.

So, why was it so much worse when you did it to him?

Maybe, because you used to stay. When you'd come over to his place, it was almost like the two of you had a normal relationship. You'd spend the night, falling asleep in his arms, and he'd get to wake up to the delicious aroma of coffee.

Not anymore.

Now, _you_ were using _him_.

How the tables had turned.

"Not even gonna make coffee before you go?"

You snorted and shook your head. "Not a chance. I have to stop by work really quick. I didn't have time yesterday to file the paperwork for Colonel Martinez's promotion."

"Promotion? More like a death sentence."

You clenched your jaw and narrowed your eyes at the disgruntled agent. "Fuck off. You don't get to be a hypocrite about this. I may have signed this man's death certificate but you're working with narcos. You don't get to judge me, Javier."

"Not judging, hermosa. I just-"

"What? You're disappointed? News flash, Javi. Me too. I'm disappointed in you. I'm disappointed in myself. I look in the mirror and I don't even fucking recognize who I see."

Your voice broke and he watched your eyes water. It shook something in him. He hated it when you cried.

Pushing himself off the bed, he tucked himself back into his sweatpants and walked towards you. He wrapped his arms around you, letting you sob into his shoulder. Then, he ran his hands through your hair and pressed a sweet kiss to your head.

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. I hate myself, Javi. I hate who I've become. It was different when it was just you. I wanted to help. I don't know how to help myself. I couldn't even help you."

_But you did._

You had helped him. Sure, he was still desperate to catch Escobar, desperate enough to work with Don Berna and friends, but he'd seen what this war was capable of. All the things he had to lose. 

All the things he'd already lost.

You'd shown him that he was still capable of feeling. He wasn't cold and indifferent. Holding you here in his arms, like this, was a reminder of what he'd done to keep you out of harm's way. How he'd pushed you away, unknowingly trying to help you. Trying to save you from himself.

What he hadn't noticed? He'd been trying to save you from himself instead of trying to save you from yourself. Instead of helping you in the ways you'd tried to help him. Comforting you. Whispering words of support. Holding you.

He's spent all this time protecting you from the pain of loving him, that he'd lost focus just enough to allow you to experience the pain of war. 

A war you hadn't signed up for.

He hated himself. Even more than before.

"Hermosa-"

Tears cascaded down your cheeks as you looked up at him, the torture evident. "How do you do it? How do you deal with all this? All this bullshit."

"I don't."

It was the truth. He drank. He smoked. He pushed all of it deep into his mind most days, buried to torture him another time. He was the shell of a man he used to be. He was filled with anger and self loathing. The only bright light in his life was you, and you weren't nearly as present as before.

"I can't do this anymore. Eddy told me to get out before it destroyed me. I thought I was listening, but-"

"Remember when I came over to your house after Carrillo shot that kid?"

The memory of his disdain for the badge that night was vivid in your mind and you nodded. "Yeah."

"That should've been my limit. I should've walked away. I didn't. Now, I'm here. Working with asshole drug traffickers to take down another asshole drug trafficker."

"You're trying, Javi."

"Don't defend me. I'm an asshole. A cabrón. Told you. You deserve better."

"Maybe I don't want better. Never did."

He gulped, closing his eyes and letting out a heavy sigh. That was it. The culmination of all your problems, wrapped in a little sentence. He'd known all along what you wanted. Hell, it was the same as what he wanted. The thing was, he was certain, now more than ever, that he couldn't be with you. _Wouldn't_. You were already in too much pain. This thing with Escobar, working for Gaviria, was taking too much of a toll. He wouldn't put you in more pain. He wouldn't let you bear the burden of worrying about him every night. He'd seen what it had done to Steve and Connie. He couldn't do the same to you.

He'd let you down so many times before, but this time felt so much worse. It was like ripping his own heart out. A piece of his soul, the little bit of it he had left, was dying. 

"I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, hermosa."

You let out a little laugh, void of all emotion, and you pulled away from his embrace. "I know. I knew the whole time, honestly. You don't have the time. The energy. It's okay, Javi. I get it. I just wish it was different. That _we_ were different."

You had this painful smile on your face and he wore a frown beneath the mustache. "Me too. I wish I could give you everything. I just can't. I care, I just-"

"I love you. You know that, right? More than anyone I've ever known. More than anyone I'll probably ever know."

Hearing the words out loud made his chest tighten. He'd probably known it all along. It was in everything you did with him. The way you comforted him. The way you looked at him. The way you kissed him. The way you touched him. 

Hell, it was in the way you made his coffee.

He loved you just the same. 

He'd never been as good at expressing it, but he truly did. 

"Hermosa, I-"

The words died on his lips and you laughed, genuinely this time, nodding slowly in understanding. "You don't have to say it, Javi. It's okay. I just wanted to tell you. It never felt like the right time before. Somehow, this does."

You took a nervous step forward, placing a soft kiss on his lips, and then smiled at him. Then, you pivoted on your feet, quickly sliding them into your heels, and made your way to the door. Your hand stopped, hovering just above the handle, as you remembered what time of year it was.

You laughed softly and turned around to look back. "I probably won't see you before then, so Merry Christmas, Javi."

Brown eyes widened in surprise. "It's that time of year already?"

You nodded. "Yeah. The year flew by, huh?"

"Yeah. Sure did." His voice was abnormally quiet. "You gonna do anything?"

Your face lit up and you gave another nod. "Family's actually coming down this afternoon. Mom, sister, future brother-in-law. Everybody. It'll be nice, I think."

_Not as nice as last year, though._

You didn't say the words out loud. Instead, you turned the doorknob and pulled the door open. You walked out, thinking long and hard about your options.

Javi had really been the only thing keeping you in Colombia, if you actually stopped to think about it. Your father would be fine, he had his wife and her family around. Sure, Eddy lived here, and he was your best friend, but you'd been itching to leave since the option had been given to you. The only thing that had stopped you was the man you were in love with.

Now, you'd openly voiced your feelings and he'd reluctantly turned you down.

You could make the move. You had nothing else keeping you. This was your brief moment to push yourself into a change of scenery. Your life was calm enough now to break free.

Glancing down at your watch, you noted the time. You needed to be at the airport in a little over two hours. That gave you enough time to do what was probably going to be your last big project before putting in applications. Glancing back at Javi's house, you sucked in a deep breath as you thought about it.

That was probably the last goodbye you were ever going to give him.

* * *

Your sister squealed loudly, wrapping her arms around you in a tight hug. She was squeezing the absolute life out of you and you couldn't care less. You had missed your family far too much to care about the state of your ribs as she tightened her grip.

"Okay, mija, you're going to kill your sister. Calm down."

Monica pulled away, narrowing her eyes at your mother. "It's fine, Mom. She can take a beating in the bedroom, I think she can take one from my hug, too."

"Sucia. If she's sleeping with anyone, it better be Eduardo."

Your jaw dropped as you flicked your gaze from your sister to your mother. "Mom!"

Everyone around you laughed, even your sister's boyfriend, and you grumbled loudly. Folding your arms across your chest, you heaved a sigh and shook your head. 

"So much for a normal Christmas."

Ricky, the only man in your group, tossed an arm over your shoulder and smirked. "It's not technically Christmas, yet. There's still time for it to be normal."

"Around these idiots? Yeah, right." You peeked over to find your sister in an intense conversation, so you leaned over to whisper to him. "You do know what kind of family you'll be marrying into, right? Good luck."

He laughed loudly and nodded. "If I can handle your sister for six years, I think I can handle anyone."

"I heard that!"

"He's not wrong, mija."

Everyone kept bantering back and forth as you made your way to the SUV. Then, all the way home. They were a regular group of comedians, keeping you entertained and well distracted from what had happened earlier in your day.

Well, distracted until you got home.

Your sister, sitting directly behind you, leaned forward as you parked the car. "Who's the hottie at your door?"

"Woah, did you just call him hot?"

Monica rolled her eyes at her boyfriend and you sat there in silence. You didn't know what to say. There had been a time before when you'd been overjoyed to see Javi at your door.

This was _not_ that time.

Your mom squealed beside you. "Mija, you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend! I mean, he's not Eduardo but it's been so long that anyone will do. I need to make a proper assessment, though!"

She went to open the door and you immediately reached over, pulling it shut again. Then, you closed your eyes in frustration. You could feel a headache forming. 

Sighing heavily, you pointed at the other three people in the car. "All of you stay here. Not a word. Talk about the plan for Christmas or something. Do not get out of this car."

"Damn, you'd think he worked for Pablo Escobar or something."

You glared at Ricky and your sister snickered. "More like the DEA. That's Javi, huh? He's hot, sis. Good job."

"Shut up."

"I can't believe you listened to me and invited him to Christmas. I'm so excited-"

"Monica. Shut up. I didn't invite him. We're not together anymore."

The entire car went silent and you forced yourself to open your door. You made your way around, taking in the sight of him. He was leaning against your door, fingertips pressed against his forehead and a cigarette hanging from plush lips. He was wearing his usual aviators and that damn leather jacket that stirred your insides.

He looked way too good and you hated it.

He must have heard your heels against the concrete, because he was pushing himself off the door as you walked up. "I called-"

"What are you doing here, Javi?"

His eyebrows shot up and then he gave you an easy smile. "What you don't like when a man shows up unannounced?"

You rolled your eyes at his use of your line from last night, and you folded your arms. "I'm serious, Javier. Did something happen?"

He pulled the aviators off his nose, tucking them into his shirt, and trailed his gaze down your figure. "You look nice."

_Nice?_

It was quite possibly the worst compliment he'd ever given you. In fact, it brought you back to the first night you'd slept with him. Eddy had said you looked 'nice', too. It was the frustrating, half-assed compliment that had started this all.

You couldn't help but crave the familiar pet name you'd come to adore.

_Hermosa_.

He really did think you looked beautiful. You were wearing a pair of high rise jeans and a cropped white blouse. You had a pair of white heels on and those familiar pearl earrings. Your hair was up in a high ponytail, a few stray pieces framing your face. Your very angry face.

"I don't have time for-"

"I brought you something."

You furrowed your brows in confusion as he pulled out a small box. It was neatly wrapped, most likely by someone else, and topped with a big gold bow. A Christmas present. You hadn't the faintest idea what could be inside, but you found yourself not caring in the slightest.

You sighed, rubbing at your forehead. "Javier, why are you here?"

He glanced awkwardly down at the gift, then back up at you. "I brought you a gift."

He was so out of his element. Your kiss earlier had felt like a goodbye. It probably had been your intention. To kiss him one last time, wish him a Merry Christmas, and then kick him to the curb. A fitting ending, really. End it all around Christmas, when that had been the time of year it had begun, too. 

It was poetic, almost.

Almost, because he came back to your house.

You'd left, apparently to go pick up your family since he could see them gawking in the back of the vehicle, and the sound of the door shutting had woken him. You'd walked out of his house, an attempt to walk out of his life, and he couldn't stand it. He couldn't even deal with it for a whole five minutes. He'd pushed you away and, yet, here he was again. He just couldn't stay away from you, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself to. 

So, he'd run around town trying to find the perfect gift

Now that he was standing here, the entire thing sounded insane. He was insane. You made him absolutely crazy. He had no concept of anything. 

It wasn't registering in his mind that you were done with him. That you _needed_ him to let you go now.

He outstretched his arm to hand you the gift, ignoring the sharp pain in his chest as you gave him an annoyed look. "Javier, my family is in that car. You realize that, right? They can see us."

He nodded slowly. "I know and I don't care-"

"But _I_ do. I care that they can see us. Look, I'm not trying to be an asshole but maybe I didn't make myself clear. We're not doing whatever this was anymore. My sister is going to get proposed to this week, Javi. I want something like that. I want someone to look at me the way that Ricky looks at Monica. So, unless you suddenly changed your mind about us in the last four hours, I don't know why you're here. And don't lie and say it's for that gift, either."

_Had he? Had he changed his mind?_

You were being somewhat cold, but you were genuinely hopeful. The problem? You were tired of being let down. You were tired of letting him in, time and time again, only to be distraught and heartbroken when he pushed you away.

One look at his face told you that this time was no different. 

Javi chewed the inside of his cheek, contemplating his response. "Hermosa-"

"No. Javi, stop. It's almost Christmas. I told you I love you and you said you couldn't. I get it. I accepted it. Don't do this to me again. You know I'll fall for it. Every time. Spare me the heartache. _Please_. I'm begging you."

Your eyes were watering again, despite how badly you tried to keep them at bay. You didn't know how else to get through to him. This was it. You could always tell he hated it when you cried. 

This was the one and only time you hoped that he was no different now.

Brown eyes widened and Javi took in your trembling form. "I'm an idiot."

You laughed through the tears. "Cabrón."

"I keep telling myself I won't do this to you. I'm a fucking piece of shit. I can't give you everything you want. Everything you deserve. Everything I want to give you. I hate it. It fucking kills me, hermosa."

"It kills me more."

Tears trickled down your cheeks and you watched his eyes water slightly. You'd never known Javi to cry. You'd never seen it. Not even on his worst days.

It was the one and only time you hated that he surprised you.

Clearing his throat, the agent rubbed at his jaw, the nervous tick appearing again. "I, uh, I'm sorry. That I came here. I mean, I'm not sorry but-"

"I know."

"I'm sorry I pushed you away. That I pushed and pulled and took everything for granted. I took _you_ for granted. I should've let you go. I tried. Really. Hermosa, I tried so fucking hard to let you go. I couldn't. I'm so fucking bad at this."

"Not good at commitment. That's what you told me a year ago. I wish it had, but it hasn't changed. You won't let yourself commit. Not to me, anyway."

He let out a humorless laugh, raking his free hand through his hair. "If I can't commit to you, hermosa, then there isn't a woman on this fucking planet I could commit to. You know that, right? If I can't change for you, it's not your fault. You're perfect. I'm a fucking asshole."

You nodded. "Okay."

You didn't know what to say. Should you say bye? Kiss him again? Hug him? 

"I guess I should leave, huh?"

"Yeah. Probably."

He nodded, glancing over your shoulder to see your family still staring at him from their seats in the car. The man looked bored. Typical. The older woman looked sad, probably your mom, heartbroken that you were in pain. Then, he glanced at the last woman. She must have known exactly what was happening because she was flipping him off. 

He laughed at the sight. "That your sister in the back?"

Your eyes widened and you turned around, only to whip back toward him in shock. "I'm so sorry! I didn't know-"

"Don't be sorry. She cares about you. I don't blame her. If you were my sister, I'd flip me off, too."

"Monica is an idiot but she means well."

"Your mom probably hates me. She's crying."

"My mom hates a lot of things about my life. Where I live. The stress of my job. Lack of children. My love life is just a number on a lengthy list of things she hates."

_Lack of children?_

The statement made Javi wince. Mostly because he knew he'd never have them. He wasn't the type to be a doting father. He also didn't have the urge to bring children into such a fucked up world.

You were so much better off without him.

"Do you want kids?"

He asked the question without thinking twice and you choked on air. "What?"

"Sorry. Not really my business-"

"No, it's fine. You just caught me off guard." You chewed your lip and nodded slowly. "Yeah, I want kids. Two, probably. Boys, if I could. My parents had to deal with me and my sister. Girls are awful."

Javi smiled softly, nodding and handing the gift off to you. "Good."

You grabbed the box this time and tilted your head in confusion. "Good?"

"Yeah. I don't want kids. I've seen too many terrible things. So, it's good that you want them because it gives me the push to leave like I should. You deserve the fucking world. Twenty kids if you want them."

"Definitely not twenty. Unless they're coming out of someone else's vagina."

The agent chuckled and then gave you a genuinely sad smile. "You'll be a good mom. I envy the lucky bastard that gets to put a baby in you."

"You could've been that lucky bastard."

The statement fell from your lips before you could stop it and your cheeks went red. Javi didn't care. He didn't give you the chance to explain yourself.

"You deserve a happy life. A good man. A doting husband that'll help with the kids. Not an asshole that drinks away his problems. I've done a lot of fucking up with you, but I won't let it go that far. I couldn't do that to you. It'd kill me more than letting you go."

Javi watched you take the steps forward, in too much pain to stop you as you pressed a long kiss to his lips. "I love you."

The tears kept falling down your cheeks as he responded. "I'm sorry."

You laughed against his mouth, brushing under your eyes with your fingertips and smiling up at him. He was telling the truth. He really was sorry. You could see it in the way he looked at you. The pain etched in his features. 

He didn't want to let you go, but he was doing it anyway. 

Javier Peña wasn't a man of forever. He never had been. Not good at commitment. Not a relationship guy.

With you, he had really wanted to be.

He wouldn't let himself. Couldn't.

You deserved better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I going to lie to you guys and say that I don't cry when I write some of these chapters? Nope. I for surely cried while writing this one...and I mean I SOBBED. A big oof. I warned you guys that Javi is a mess so don't come for me...but at least I gave you lil bit of smutty goodness XD 
> 
> Anyways, no bonus chapter this Thursday. This chapter just feels like it needs its own week...although, if I'm being honest, every chapter from here on out is hefty with feelings. The Christmas chapter will be next week, bringing us full circle to where we began...how will these two cope with not being together? T_T
> 
> I'm sorry I torture you guys, but alas it's all in the name of a realistic story. See you next week! Smooches~


	15. Fuck You, Whitney Houston.

You managed to shuffle everyone into your car again on Christmas Eve morning, heading for one of your father's houses on the outskirts of the city. It was the same one he always spent Christmas at, though you'd only been once before. You usually went to Eddy's for the holiday, so spending time with your own family was new to you. Add in the fact that, on Christmas Day, the Sandovals never did much besides lounging about, you felt out of your element, actually celebrating the holiday and making a big feast.

What was worse? Your sister was probably getting proposed to today and you were absolutely miserable.

You hadn't wanted to get out of bed, only conceding when your mother had yelled at you. Your head was throbbing, stomach slightly queasy, and you knew you probably had a hangover. After all, you'd had quite a lot to drink after dinner. 

A dinner where your mother had insisted on prying into your now over relationship with Javi.

_He doesn't look like a family man. What were you thinking?_

Even Ricky had grimaced uncomfortably at her comment, sinking down into his seat at the table. That had been saying something. You knew it was bad if he had a reaction to something she said. After all, he'd been put through the ringer when he'd first been brought home, so he knew how it felt to be on the receiving end.

Nobody knew quite like you, though.

She'd always had a way of picking at you, digging under your skin like a damn tick.

Thankfully, she was silent almost the entire car ride. Probably because she was gearing herself up to deal with your happy father and his wife. You absentmindedly turned the radio, not settling on any one station for long, and she huffed beside you.

"Pick something already."

"Mom, you're in a mood."

The corner of your lips upturned at the sound of your little sister's voice. She was really the only one allowed to talk to your mother like that. Perks of being the baby, you assumed.

"The radio sucks out here."

Ricky piped in. "You get any of the mainstream stuff from the States down here, Y/N?"

"He's asking because he wants to listen to Whitney. He's been obsessed with that song from The Bodyguard."

You snorted. "Wow, Ricky. Getting in touch with your sensitive side?"

"Fuck off. The song is good! Don't let her fool you. Your sister cried during the movie."

"Yeah, but I don't try to belt out Whitney's vocals when it comes on!"

"My singing is fantastic."

"Sure, if you like the sound of a horse fucking a chicken."

You made a grossed out face, glancing up at your sister in the rear view. "That's disgusting, Monica."

"Pay attention to the road."

You sighed, fingers gripping the wheel tightly as you pulled into the driveway. "Yes, ma'am."

You parked the car and your mom and Ricky immediately got out, leaving you with your sister for a second. You pushed your sunglasses on, hiding the bags that your concealer had failed to cover. Part of you wanted to drop them off and speed off, leaving them here while you moped around your house. It wouldn't be fair to your family, though. This was supposed to be a happy time, spent with the people you loved.

So, why did you only want to spend it with one person?

"You love him. Don't you?"

You'd forgotten Monica was still in the car so, when she spoke, you jolted in your seat. "What?"

The younger woman unbuckled her seatbelt, squeezing herself between the front seats so that she was beside you. "Javi. The hot DEA agent. You love him, huh?"

_Yes. More than anything._

Brushing your fingertips under your aviators, you heaved a sigh. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does. You love him. He clearly loves you. So, what's the problem?"

"You do realize that you flipped him off, right?"

"He made you cry. Was I supposed to give him a high five?"

"You're ridiculous."

"And _you're_ in love. So, talk to him."

Turning your face towards her, you scoffed. "It's not that simple."

"Why not? Ricky and I-"

"Fuck off. I don't want to hear about you and Ricky's perfect relationship. Unlike you, I have problems."

Her eyes widened, lashes nearly reaching her neatly groomed brows in surprise. "I'm gonna pretend you didn't just snap at me. Come on, sis. What's holding you back from being happy?"

"He is. He's busy. He's fucked up in the head. I don't know, hermanita. We don't want the same things, okay? I want a family. I want to be married someday. He left his last relationship at the altar."

"Oh."

"Yeah. _Oh_. Look, I love you but I get enough from Mom. Can you please leave the me and Javi thing out of Christmas? For me?"

"Dad met him, right? He might ask."

"Fuck. You're right. He's going to go all 'Where's la policia, mija?' on me and I'm going to die of embarrassment when Mom tells him. Kill me."

"Just breathe. It'll be okay. You'll get through this. It's just one day, how bad can it be?"

* * *

_Miserable_. That was how bad it could be. Actually, worse than miserable. It was absolutely atrocious.

Carmela, your stepmother, had been falling all over your father and pissing your disgruntled mother off. Monica and Ricky had been cuddling on the couch all day, making you sick with jealousy. The couples had left you alone to be grilled by your mother.

And oh, did she like grilling you.

"Why didn't you invite Eduardo? He always invites you to his family's Christmas. We'd love to see him."

_'We'_ was code for _'I'._

You sipped your second cocktail of the day and looked up from beneath abnormally clumped lashes. "He spends the day with his family. I'm not changing that just because you miss seeing him."

"Is he still with that waitress?"

Her tone was icy as she spoke about Paola and you rolled your eyes, uncaring if she saw. "Paola does catering for an upscale restaurant. She's not a waitress."

Monica strolled last the two of you and into the kitchen to grab herself a drink, joining in on the conversation. "Have you met her? Is she nice?"

You simply nodded. "Yeah. She's great. Super sweet. She cares about him a lot. She's good for him."

" _You_ could be good for him."

"We're not doing this. Not today. I'm not having the 'date Eddy' talk for the fiftieth time, Mom."

"I just think-"

The timer in the kitchen beeped, cutting her off, and you internally cheered. "Oh, darn. Looks like I need to check the food. So sad we can't talk about this again!"

Monica snorted, staying in the kitchen so that she could be near you to help. "Please tell me you're making buñuelos. I've been dying for them since I found out we were coming."

You grinned, actually happy for the change in topic. Then, you pulled out a deep pot and a bottle of oil. She squealed with delight beside you, cheering with an arm up in the air.

"Best Christmas ever!"

For her, yeah. It was certainly going to be memorable for the woman who had it all. For your baby sister who was getting proposed to, just like you'd wanted all your life.

Like you'd probably never get.

Pushing aside the torturous thoughts, you put the oil on to heat up and grabbed the little balls of dough from the fridge. "I hope you want nutilla, too, because Papa insisted that I bring it."

"Did I die and go to heaven?"

You snorted, shaking your head with amusement as you unwrapped the tray. "You won't be going to heaven. There's a special place down below with your name written all over it."

She leaned over your shoulder and grinned wickedly. "You'll be right next to me, sis. We're both awful sinners."

_If only she knew the half of it._

There was still a nagging guilt eating away at you. It diverged into a million little whispers in the back of your mind. Some of them were in your mother's voice, reminding you that you were alone and unhappy. Some were in Eddy's voice, telling you to stop thinking about Javi and that you were making a mistake by thinking about leaving Colombia. Then, there was Javi's voice. His was the loudest of all. It reminded you of just how far you'd fallen.

It left a hole in your gut and you hated the sound of it.

So lost in your own head, you weren't paying attention to your cooking. The first batch of buñuelos was a charred black, hardly edible, and your sister gasped beside you.

"Sis? Hey! They're burning!"

Her frantic words woke you from the trance and you groaned. "Shit!"

You pulled the blackened dough from the oil and immediately tossed them in the trash. Then, you dumped the oil out and started fresh. Hopefully, you'd be able to focus this time instead of internally scolding yourself.

"Are you okay, mija?"

Your sister had run off, likely to grab your father, seeing as he was now standing beside you with a heavy hand on your shoulder. His grip was gentle, and he gave you a supportive smile. You hadn't seen him since the hospital incident with Javi, so the weight of his palm on your shoulder felt surprisingly nice. It was like the tension rolled off you in waves.

"Sorry, Papa. Just got lost in thought. I swear the rest of them will be perfect."

"I won't ask, mija."

He pinned you with an understanding gaze and you broke. He'd always had this way of getting you to open up without even saying a word, an impossible mission for anyone else. He watched the tears trickle down your cheeks and he immediately turned the stove off, the food forgotten about as he pulled you in for a tight hug. You clutched desperately at his shirt, the sage-colored material pooling beneath your trembling hands as you sobbed into him. 

"I'm sorry, Papa, I just-"

He rubbed a large hand across your back in soothing circles. "Shh. Está bien. Just breathe."

You tried to listen, breath hitching as you continued crying. It was like all the trauma and pain you'd felt in the last year was finally rolling off you, cascading into giant rivers that streamed down your cheeks. You'd never known pain to be like this. It had never built up so slowly and consumed your entire being until you broke. Something about no longer being with Javi, remembering that weird hopeful look on his face, and the weight of your work was all too heavy. Now, it was breaking you down fully.

You felt like your heart was crushed.

"Want me to kill la policia?"

Your father made a joke to ease the tension and you hiccuped into a laugh, shaking your head. "No."

"Lo amas."

_You love him._

"It doesn't matter. It never did."

"Your hermanita told me he got you a gift. ¿Qué fue?"

_Right. The gift._

You still had it. You hadn't had the heart to throw it away, despite your mother's protests to you keeping it. She didn't understand. It was the only semblance of a real relationship, besides the flowers you'd gotten once, so you hadn't been able to part with it. Pulling away from your father, you sniffled and pointed down to your purse. 

"It's in my purse. I never opened it. I couldn't throw it away, though. He told me to keep it."

Your father nodded and he knelt down, rifling through your bag until he found the small box. "Aquí."

He handed it to you, raising a brow to indicate that you should open it. Part of you didn't want to. You knew opening it was letting in another piece of Javi, when he'd never give you himself entirely. A pointless endeavor, really. At this point, you'd be better off giving it back and never speaking to him again. Ripping the band-aid off instead of slowly peeling back it, along with layers of yourself.

The problem? You couldn't.

So, you obliged. Tentatively reaching for the pretty box, you took it from his hands and sucked in a breath. The gold bow was slightly smashed from rattling around with your things all day, but it was still gorgeous. Your hands trembled as you unwrapped it, pulling off the lid slowly. You didn't know what you'd been expecting, but you certainly hadn't foreseen Javi putting in a note. Sure as shit, though, there was a little card resting on top of folded tissue paper. 

Javi hardly ever surprised you but, of course, he'd pick now.

You flipped the little note over in your palms and laughed loudly.

_Hermosa._

_I don't really know what to write. I'm not good at any of this. I just missed you. I saw this and thought of you. It's not nearly as pretty as you are, though. Merry Christmas._

_-Cabrón_

It was so unapologetically Javi, even written in his terrible excuse for writing. It wasn't very sentimental, but it was at the same time. It was like almost everything else he did. Chaotically sweet. He'd never been particularly good at expressing his feelings, but this tugged at your heart in a way nothing ever had before.

It reminded you, yet again, just how deep you'd fallen.

"Are you gonna open it?"

Monica was standing beside your father now, intrigued by the gift. She'd hardly been a supporter of Javi after what happened when he showed up at your house, but she was still curious. She also wasn't nearly as outspoken about her disdain as your mother. She simply wanted you to be happy, like any good sister would. 

You gulped, nervous to peek below the paper. Still, you needed to know. So, you tugged off the top layer of tissue with nimble fingers and your eyes immediately widened. Beneath the wrapping was a pristine bracelet, a gold chain sporadically separated by small pearls. It was absolutely breathtaking, the best gift you'd ever received. It also matched those little pearl earrings you owned perfectly. The same ones you were currently wearing.

Monica peeked into the box and immediately cussed. "Fuck. He's good."

"Language, mija."

You couldn't even laugh at them because you were struggling to breathe. It was like oxygen didn't exist anymore. You felt like you were far below the surface, surrounded by water and no air. The only thing you could feel was the cold of the metal as you ran your fingertips over it, memorizing every single link. Time didn't exist. 

Neither did sound.

Monica was speaking but you couldn't hear her. Nobody else was in that room with you anymore. It was just you and Javi, though he wasn't even present. Every happy memory came flooding your mind at once. The sadness and heartbreak was gone for a fleeting moment, and every vivid image was the two of you. Smiling. Laughing. Kissing. Touching. Being.

_Together_.

It was like a reel of every single good time you'd shared and you choked out a sob, finally breathing again as they played like a movie in your messy head.

The happy moments last Christmas flooded your mind, reminding you of the hour you sat on the couch with Javi, eating underbaked cookies. Then, when he drove you to the hospital to see your overdramatic father and told you to call him anytime you needed anything. The gorgeous arrangement of overpriced flowers he bought you after he'd accused you of acting on now non-existent feelings for Eddy. The soft way he made love to you after that. The hilarious scene of him trying and failing at making you pancakes while he yelled at Steve on the phone. The way he sincerely apologized for cheating, even though technically he hadn't. The way he held you while you broke down over your own inner turmoil, just like you'd done for him before.

Even him showing up at your doorstep the other day, this exact gift in hand while he let you go again, made your heart throb.

Every memory with Javi, even the not so great ones, were good memories because they were of the two of you together.

Now, you were alone again. 

Surrounded by family that was all happy, while you were miserable.

You carefully took the bracelet out of the box, eyeing the shine of it with a sense of mourning. Besides memories, this was the only piece of Javi you'd get to keep and, though you wanted to be angry and throw it away out of spite, the sentimentality of it cut deep. You wanted to keep it because keeping it felt like keeping him. 

It felt like you could keep him even though he'd let you go.

Or, had you let him go?

Who was even at fault here?

Both of you?

"Sis?"

You glanced up through blurry vision, making eye contact with a concerned Monica, and you smiled weakly. "Sorry, I just-"

"Don't apologize. Look, I know I don't exactly know what you're going through, but I think you should keep it. I mean, I kinda hate him for hurting you, but also it's a really sweet gift and it makes you smile, so-"

You interrupted her with a hug, wrapping your arms far too tightly around her slender form. "I don't know how to do this."

"How to do what?"

"Move on. From Javi. From Colombia. From everything."

"Maybe leaving Colombia is the first step. Maybe you won't get over him until you're gone."

_Maybe never. Maybe getting over Javi was never an option._

* * *

This was the moment. It was beautiful, really. Your family had just eaten dinner, after you'd gotten ahold of yourself just long enough to finish cooking. Monica had helped, of course. Now, the six of you were seated outside, around a fire pit and beneath a canopy that twinkled with string lights. A perfect scene, set up specifically with this moment in mind.

Your brain was fuzzy as you sipped your fifth drink of the night. If you'd been thinking about it, you'd have remembered just how bad your decision making abilities were when you drank. It was hardly your top priority, though.

Your number one priority was simply getting through the pain of watching your sister take another big step in her life. One that you should've really been happy about. Instead, the image of her boyfriend knelt in front of her, a small box in hand that exposed a beautiful solitaire diamond ring, made you sick. It made your gaze flicker down to that familiar pearl bracelet, chipped nails digging into your thigh in frustration. You hated it but you hated yourself more. The envy was bubbling within you and you'd never quite felt anything like it.

You wanted to run.

Both maternal figures were sobbing hysterically, dabbing tissues beneath their eyes and running through an entire box of Kleenex. Your father had a sheen in his eyes and a big grin of approval on his face. The happy couple was embracing, your sister squealing with excitement as Ricky put her new ring on. 

You? You were seated furthest away, nursing your drink in silent misery. 

Well, silent until your mother decided to make you part of the equation.

"Mija, quit being rude! Your sister just got engaged!"

Gaze flickering up from the amber liquid in your glass, you glanced over at your sister. Despite her joy, she had this look of understanding aimed at you. She shook her head at your mother, silently pleading for her to leave you alone, but the older woman was having none of it. She huffed, narrowing her eyes at you and marching over.

"Stop wallowing over here and be a part of this family. This is one of the most exciting moments of our lives and heaven knows I won't be getting a moment like this from you anytime soon. Or grandkids, for that matter."

"Mom!"

Even your father hated her jab. "Marisol, please."

Her statement cut through you like a knife and you grit your teeth, downing the last of your drinking and throwing your hands in the air. "I get it! I'm the fucking disappointment. Monica is the perfect child. She's going to give you beautiful grandchildren that you can dote on more than you ever did us."

"Sis-"

"How much have you had to drink? Honestly, Y/N, stop making this about you."

You scoffed, rolling your eyes and setting the empty glass down. "Who fucking cares? Why does it matter what I do? It's never good enough for you, anyway."

"Stop being dramatic. Get over that idiot and celebrate with your family."

"Get over him? Really? Did it ever dawn on you that maybe I tried? That maybe it's hard for me to be surrounded by happiness when I got my heart broken a couple days ago?"

Monica got in between the two of you, pressing a palm to your mother's heaving chest. "Mom, stop. She's been through a lot-"

"She is _not_ going to ruin this for you. This is the happiest moment of your life until your wedding day and I won't let your sister destroy it with her bad attitude. All because she fell for some idiot cop."

"My fucking god. That's it, isn't it? You don't care because he's a cop! It makes so much fucking sense now. You divorced a cop and you think, in some fucked up way, that I should've seen it."

Her voice was a roar, echoing in the quiet of the backyard. "You should have! He cheated on you! He didn't even want a relationship! He was never yours! Get over it!"

Everyone was silent. Especially your baby sister. She looked beyond guilty, shifting uncomfortably from heel to toe. You knew exactly why.

The only person in your family that you'd told everything about Javi to was her.

The bitterness engulfed your entire body, every inch of you trembling with fury. "You told her. You told her everything."

"Sis, I'm sorry. I just-"

"You just what? Wanted to remind her how stupid I am? Wanted to keep your place as the favorite child? Fuck you."

Your father stepped in this time, placing that gentle hand on your shoulder. "Mija-"

You slapped him away, tears pooling in your waterlines. "Fuck all of you. I'm going home. I can't do this. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I'm happy. I'm done acting like this is how I wanted to spend my fucking holiday. It's not. I hate this."

You ignored everyone's protests, leaving them in bewilderment as you darted inside to grab your things. Then, you ran. You bolted out the front door, stumbling down the stairs of your father's house until you got to the car. You plopped yourself into the driver's seat and made a completely irrational decision. You were far too tipsy to drive all the way home, but you did it anyway.

You didn't care. 

What did it matter, anyway?

They didn't care. They were probably too busy celebrating again. Joyfully clinking glasses of champagne while they pretended that you'd never been there. Your entire family was probably cheering and congratulating the happy couple. 

You were hopelessly alone, driving through blurry vision along a windy road. What was worse? The radio finally landed on an English station, just in time for you to hear that song that Ricky had been talking about.

_Bittersweet memories_

_That is all I'm taking with me_

_So good-bye_

_Please don't cry_

_We both know I'm not what you, you need_

You slammed your hands against the steering wheel, effectively smacking the horn. "Fuck you, Whitney Houston!"

Tears streamed down your cheeks again, dripping into your lap. The only sound in the car, as you smacked the radio off, was the jingle of that little chain around your wrist and your wheezes as you fought back the temptation to scream. 

_Worst Christmas ever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, disclaimer...I don't dislike Whitney Houston in any way, shape, or form. Or Dolly Parton. It was just too funny a title to let go XD
> 
> Alsooooo, look at me. Lying to your beautiful faces again! I said the last chapter would get its own week and I'm a big, fat liar. Woops. Idk I just felt like you guys needed to know what was in the box tbh. Javi did good T_T plus I'm sitting here with dye in my hair and I'm hopelessly bored so this killed like twenty minutes of my wait time...also, this is the only chapter (I think) that Javi isn't technically in. Gasp. He'll be back on Tuesday, tho. You guys will get a little bit of how he spent his Christmas and oof. It's a rough one. 
> 
> Anyways, I'll see you guys in four days because today is Friday, not Thursday! Sorry if me posting threw off your calendar XD Smooches~


	16. Say It Again.

Christmas had been absolutely awful for Javi. He'd spent most of the day in a mess of blurry vision and wrinkled clothes. The day itself had only reminded him of you and how much he'd fucked everything up. 

Then again, maybe he hadn't.

You were better off without him, so maybe he'd finally done right by you. 

Still, he hated the void that existed inside his chest. So, he'd filled it with liquor. He'd spent the first three quarters of the day on his couch, sprawled out with a bottle in his hand. Then, when that one was emptied, he'd grabbed another. That had been the extent of his movements on Christmas day. He hadn't even bothered to shower.

At least, until his partner had shown up with leftovers from his own Christmas. Steve had brought a heaping tupperware of food, knowing full well that, if he wasn't with you, the older agent would be drunk. He'd been right. Again.

The blonde had let himself in, after knocking a couple times to no response, and had woken up his drunken partner. He'd told Javi to shower because he'd 'smelled like a damn horse's asshole' and forced him to eat something. He hadn't asked about you. Hadn't needed to. 

Javi had been certain that it had been written on his miserable face.

Then, they'd gone back to work a couple days later, only for Javi's week to get even worse. Getting grilled by Steve had been another lovely reminder of you, adding to the lengthy pile. Steve had been far less forgiving, though. Where as you had understood the thought process behind it all, his partner hadn't supported his new allies. It made sense, really. Guerillas and narcos. It was hardly an upstanding combination. Then again, was the DEA really much better?

_What good guys, Steve? That us?_

Javi didn't know whose side he was on anymore. His goal was still the same. To catch Pablo Escobar and either put him behind actual bars or six feet under, wherever he couldn't hurt people anymore. Only problem was that the way to that goal was far more complex than he'd originally thought. It had been so much easier at the start of all this. Back when Javi still somewhat thought he was a decent man with good morals. 

Now? 

He didn't know who he was anymore.

Not a good guy, though. 

Did he even care? 

Not really. He didn't have anyone to try for, anymore. No one cared what he did. No one was worried about him. 

There was no one around to convince him that he was being too hard on himself and that there was still good buried beneath all his wrongs.

He was spiraling without someone around to ground him. 

Without you.

* * *

You bit your nail in contemplation, peeling a fleck off the otherwise pristine red polish. It was something you hardly ever did. Chew your nails. You only ever did it when you were severely anxious about something.

_Javi_.

He wasn't really a part of your life anymore, but you couldn't help but be significantly worried about him. Martinez had recently given the President a concerning call regarding a run in with the Castaños. Had you not known about Javi's involvement with Los Pepes, you wouldn't have been concerned by it. That was the problem, though. You _did_ know about his partnership. 

The government was slowly uncovering little details about Los Pepes and, while the focus was still on Pablo Escobar for the President, you couldn't guarantee that it would stay that way forever. It was only a matter of time before Los Pepes was fully exposed, Javi included.

Christmas had been an absolute mess, but it was all still running fresh through your mind. You had ruined everything with your own heartbreak, an intention you hadn't had. You hadn't meant to bring down the good mood of your sister's engagement, but something about seeing everyone so happy while you were so miserable was something you didn't know how to cope with. _You_ were an asshole, now. Your family had all flown back to California and, now that you were alone again, your thoughts were racing out of control. 

What else? 

Your stomach had been driving you nuts lately. You weren't very hungry and, as a result, you had these annoying stomach cramps. It was likely a result of all the alcohol you'd consumed after recent events. Huffing in annoyance, you made your way to the drugstore to buy something. It was your last off day before having to return to work, and you needed to get this under control, otherwise you'd be miserable for your first day back. 

You were about thirty feet away from the store, when you caught sight of a little girl running toward a stray ball. The street was at a slight slant and, try as she might, the ball was rolling far too quickly for her to catch up. You pulled your finger away from your lips and smiled softly, bending down to stop her toy as it rolled in front of you. 

You held the pink sphere up and beamed at her as she ran. "Aquí tienes, cariña."

"¡Gracias!"

She ran towards you, barreling down the sidewalk, when all of a sudden smoke and debris were flying everywhere. The street shook wildly and you fell to the ground, losing sight of the little girl in the cloud of ash. There was a sharp pain in your hands as they hit the pavement, and another in your leg as you fell to the ground. You couldn't see anything. You could barely breathe. 

You couldn't even hear anything because all that you could make out was a loud ringing in your ears.

You laid there, struggling for air and paralyzed with fear, for what felt like an eternity. You'd never experienced anything like it. There was commotion around you, injured people running frantic through the streets, and you felt numb. Suddenly, someone was helping you up and you struggled to stay balanced. 

It was a younger man, clad in the standard Colombian police uniform, and he was saying something to you. He was still holding your arm, supporting you as you stood shakily in front of him. Wobbling one more time, you glanced down to see your bare foot bleeding. Your other foot still had a sandal on, covered in a thick layer of ash. You glanced back up and, as he waved his hand in front of you and spoke, you shook your head.

You pointed to your still ringing ear. "No lo oigo."

His mouth stopped moving and he nodded, gently tugging at your arm to pull you forward. He walked you toward an ambulance, past a swarm of reporters and more frantic people. In the midst of your trek, you could faintly make out a small body beneath the rubble. The sight made you nauseous and your eyes stung as you squeezed them shut.

You didn't want to know if it was the body of that little girl. 

The cop led you to the back of the ambulance and he lifted you so that you could sit. Then, you watched as he motioned someone to you and pointed at his ears, probably to let them know that you couldn't hear anything. Glancing back down, your hands were shaky as you lifted them and you turned your palms upward, exposing various gashes and a few shards of glass buried into your skin. It hurt a lot, but not quite as badly as your leg.

You reached down to touch the other tender area, only to be stopped by a medic. An older man this time, probably around Javi's age, stopped your reach and applied some sort of solution to your throbbing calf. You winced at the addition of more pain and let out a cry as he pulled out a piece of shrapnel from the explosion. He applied pressure to the wound and carefully worked on it, bending down just in time for you to see a frantic woman holding that familiar ball.

She was a little older than you, covered in her own cuts and a layer of soot, screaming and crying as she ran around. Probably the mother of that little girl you'd encountered. Letting out a sharp cry, this time in emotional agony, you sobbed in the back of the ambulance. You cried and cried, tears blurring your eyes and hiding the spots in your vision as you passed out.

* * *

The base was a mess of chaos and Steve sighed. "Another fuckin' explosion downtown. Shit's gettin' ridiculous."

Javi sighed, rubbing at his temples as he met his partner's stare. "I get it."

"The Castaños are fucking nuts. Now, Escobar is pissed off enough to go bombin' the whole damn country."

The older man narrowed his eyes, opening his mouth to respond when Trujillo was bolting toward him. "Peña. El teléfono."

The young cop pointed at the flashing line, worry evident in his features, and Javi picked it up in confusion. "This is Peña."

"Javier. It's Eduardo Sandoval."

Brown eyes widened in surprise. There was absolutely no reason that the Former Vice Minister should be calling him. There was especially no reason he should've been calling with such desperation in his voice.

_Unless-_

The agent stood up quickly, grabbing his jacket and shoving his gun in the back of his jeans. "The fuck's going on? Is she okay?"

Javi could hear loud beeps and voices in the background, but he could only clearly make out the other man's voice. "There was a bombing downtown. She's unconscious, but she's stable."

"Tell me which hospital. I'm coming right now."

He didn't have time to question the fact that Eduardo Sandoval had called him. He didn't have time to explain to Steve what was going on. The blonde was right beside him and could probably put two and two together anyway. 

Javi also didn't have time to panic, though he already was.

He got the hospital info from the former politician and bolted out the door, ignoring a yell from his partner. The agent sprinted to his SUV and floored it out of the parking lot, speeding the entire way to the hospital.

Along the way, he had more time to think about all the ways this was fucked up. He shouldn't be heading to see you when this was partially his fault. If he had never gotten involved with Don Berna, then the Castaños would have never fucked with Pablo Escobar. If the Castaños had never fucked with Escobar, then he would have never found out that Cali was involved. If he hadn't found out Cali was involved, he would have never had the pharmacies bombed.

You wouldn't be in that hospital.

Javi's actions had caused the most horrifying domino effect he'd ever experienced and he hated himself for it.

He'd said he'd stop hurting you, so how much bad karma did he have for all his consequences to come back to you again?

He made it to the hospital even faster than he'd brought you that one time, and he didn't care at all about parking between the lines. His car was probably impossibly crooked and it wasn't even a thought in the back of his mind as he ran in. Nothing was on his mind except finding you.

How the woman at the front desk understood a word he was saying when he was this frantic, he didn't know, but he found himself following her directions. Up a floor and down the hall to the right. He bypassed the elevator, opting to run up the stairs instead, and he turned to the right. He almost ran into Sandoval as he made it to your room.

The other man also looked a mess, holding Javi back so he couldn't go into the room. "She's okay."

"Let me see her."

"Peña, calm down-"

The mustached agent yanked himself from the other man's grasp. "Don't tell me to fucking calm down. I need to see her. I need to know that she's okay. I need to know because, if she's not, then I-"

"You love her."

Brown eyes were glued to the floor and he ran a shaky hand through his hair. He didn't want to respond. He didn't want to because responding meant either lying or admitting to feelings that he was trying to push aside. Both were bad options. After all, you'd made it clear that, unless he was willing to open his heart fully, you wouldn't be with him. If he did let himself love you, though, he knew he'd only be holding you back with his own problems and trauma. 

He couldn't win either way.

So, he brushed the statement off instead. "How bad was she hurt?"

Sandoval sighed. "Not too bad, thankfully. A large cut on her leg but otherwise she's just a little banged up. She's on some painkillers and a medication to help her head, but she'll be free to go in a day or so."

"You call her family? Her dad is in-"

"Ibagué. I know where José lives. He's on his way. I called Monica already, too, and she'll call her mother. I told them not to fly back down because I know Y/N wouldn't want them to. Her mom probably still will, though. Then, I called you."

"Why?"

Light eyes were tense with frustration and Javi watched as your friend clenched his jaw. "It wasn't my idea. She asked for you the last time she was awake."

_Oh_.

A million thoughts ran through Javi's mind at the admission. You weren't together anymore, so why'd you ask for him? His brain was mush as he tried to think about anything. He was way too worried about you to even try to comprehend your thought process. Hell, you'd just been in the blast of an explosion. Maybe you'd hit your head really hard and you simply weren't thinking properly.

One thing was easy to understand, though. The agent could recognize the familiar look of jealousy in Sandoval's eyes and he let out a laugh. The other man was hardly happy that he'd had to call him. Furious that you'd even asked for someone else.

"You're pissed she didn't ask for you. Look-"

"I hate you. I think you're the most selfish man I've ever met in my life and why she loves you, instead of-"

"You? She'd be better off if she loved you."

"But she doesn't. She loves _you_ and you don't care. Cabrón."

Already tense, Javi could feel his temper rising as they argued. "Fuck you. You don't know anything about me."

"I know exactly who you are, Agent Peña. You're a selfish, stubborn man that only shows up when it's convenient for him."

That used to be accurate. Now? Now, he was a tortured soul that cared about almost nothing. 

_Almost_.

"Discúlpenme, pero ella está despierta."

Both men turned toward the nurse and she looked awkwardly between them, motioning for them to walk in. Javi was first. He wasted no time in brushing past her to make it to your bedside.

He sucked in a breath at the sight. 

Your face was a little cut up, not too badly, and you had one larger gash in your lip. You were running a bandaged hand across your forehead, and your hair was a tangled mess. You looked okay, in the grand scheme of things, but the sheer image of you bruised and cut like this made him sick to his stomach.

The agent pulled up a chair next to you and immediately sat down, brushing a stray hair behind your ear. "Hermosa?"

You glanced in his direction, a weak smile on your face, and tears immediately fell from your eyes. "Hey."

"Are you okay?"

You laughed softly and he brushed your tears away with calloused thumbs. "You still called me pretty, so I must not look that bad."

Your joke got a small smile from the agent. "I always think you're beautiful. Even with a busted lip."

"Want to make out?"

Brown eyes widened in shock and he coughed loudly. "Okay, how many medications are you on?"

You snickered and he smiled fondly at the sound. "I'm fucking with you. Making out would probably hurt right now."

" _That's_ the flaw you found in that plan?"

"Well, and your mustache looks like you haven't trimmed it in a week."

That one got a louder laugh from the agent and he leaned back in his chair, staring at you in bewilderment. "Fucking hell, you're incredible."

A throat cleared to your left and you turned, smiling at the other man in the room. "Please tell me you brought those empanadas."

Eduardo shook his head, hands tucked into the pockets of his slacks. "Sorry. The nurse said no. You can have them when you get out of here."

You groaned, throwing your head back against the pillow. "Eddy, you had one job!"

"I was busy calling this idiot."

His tone was sharp and the sound of it made you feel bad. "Sorry, it was a joke. Thanks. For everything."

"Cabrón."

Both you and Eddy looked at Javi in surprise, one of you clearly more amused than the other. You snorted slightly, covering your mouth with a bandaged palm. You found it hilarious, Javi using the insult that Eduardo usually used against him. 

Eddy didn't find it so funny. "Fuck you."

"You call me one all the time. Don't take it personally."

"Don't be an asshole and I won't call you one. Destroys her life but shows up anyway."

"Eddy, stop-"

The agent stood up, the chair screeching as it slid across the floor. "You fucking called me. The fuck's your problem?"

"You. You're my problem."

"Guys, stop."

Javi took a step closer to the taller man. "Why am I your problem? Go back to lounging in your mansion and not helping your country."

"I sacrificed more for this country than you could ever dream of. Maybe you should go back to yours."

"Guys. This is not the time for a pissing match."

"You don't know the half of what I've done."

"You got Colonel Carrillo killed. I know that."

Javi's face was red, flushed with anger, and you yelled at the other man. Both were clenching their jaws, tension visible in their straining necks. They looked like they'd go at it any second.

"Eduardo! Stop!"

Blue eyes locked with yours, betrayal evident in those stormy orbs. "Me?"

"Can you go get me a coffee? Please."

He pointed a long finger at the DEA agent beside him. "You want him to stay? You want me to go but he can stay?"

You sighed and looked away. "Eddy-"

"I'm going home. Back to my _mansion_."

"Eddy, stop-"

"No. You want him here, then I guess he stays. I'm leaving."

Javi sighed, turning toward the other man. "Look-"

"Cabrón."

"Eduardo, stop. That's not fair-"

"Then choose. Right now. Choose. Me or him?"

You scoffed, shaking your head at his absurd request. "I'm not doing that."

"Choose. Me or him."

"Sandoval, stop. I'll go get her coffee-"

"You'd bring it back black."

The agent narrowed his eyes. "A tiny bit of sugar. A lot of cream. Got anything else?"

"Her favorite color?"

"Red."

"Where does she go on vacation-"

"Hawaii. With the entire family. Every year in May."

"Guys! This is ridiculous! What is this, an interrogation?"

Eddy snapped. "Stop pretending like he wants to be with you."

Your eyes snapped open and you felt the rush of unshed tears as they pooled in your waterline. "Stop it."

Javi turned to find your eyes watering and the sight made him furious. He hated it when you cried over him, but he could now consciously say that he hated it when other people made you cry more. If he was the cause, at least he just hated himself. 

Eduardo turned, gaze softening at you as he realized what he'd said, and he sighed. "I'm sorry-"

"Get out."

"Y/N-"

Your voice was hoarse, breaking as you spoke. "No. Eduardo. Out. Get the fuck out of my room. I don't need this. You're being selfish. I just almost fucking died and you want to have a pissing match with him. You're being an asshole."

The taller man was silent, opening his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but he closed it again. Then, he made his way to the door and walked out, leaving the two of you alone. You laid back, staring up at a random crack in the ceiling. Javi eyed you, sitting back down beside you and grabbing your hand. You instinctively laced your fingers in his, and he caught the glimpse of a thin bracelet on your wrist.

A tiny chain, with a couple of pearls that were slightly scratched, probably by the explosion. Still, they gleamed in the light. The sight of the familiar jewelry made him smile and he ran his thumb across them.

"I guess I should probably give it back to you. Since we're not-"

He didn't want to be reminded of your separation, cutting you off before you could finish the sentence. "Keep it. Looks good on you. Besides, I still have the lighter from last year. Only seems fair."

You laughed quietly, still not looking at him. "It wasn't like I could exactly return it. It has your name on it."

"I can get the bracelet engraved."

You snorted, finally looking at him. "You can't engrave a single pearl, Javi. Don't be ridiculous."

"I bet Señora Rodriguez could."

"She hates you."

He shifted his gaze, breaking eye contact with you. "I don't blame her."

"How's work?"

He looked back up at you, but not really. His gaze was directly on your face but he looked like he was a million miles away. Like he was inside that tortured mind of his again. You watched as he glanced down at your bandaged leg and visibly tensed, his jaw so tight that you thought he'd break a tooth.

Maybe work had been the wrong thing to ask about.

You tightened your grip on his hand, giving him a gentle squeeze. "Sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"It's my fault."

You tilted your head in confusion, ignoring the slight pain in your neck. "What?"

"Nothing."

"Javi, talk to me."

"No."

"No? Why-"

"Why'd you ask for me?"

You sighed, finally understanding why he was so peeved. "Javi, I'm fine. This isn't on you. Escobar made that explosion happen. Not you. Stop beating yourself up."

"You got hurt and twelve people died. One was a little girl."

You yanked your hand from his and he furrowed his brow, brown orbs laced with confusion. He expected you to be upset that he was beating himself up. You always defended him from himself. What he hadn't expected was for you to shift so uncomfortably. Guilt was eating at him and he could see it reflected in your scratched up face.

You turned away from him but he could still see how your lower lip quivered. "Hermosa-"

"Can we talk about something else? How was Christmas?"

You pasted a fake smile on your face and the sight made him queasy. So did the question. His Christmas had been the worst one of his life. He'd done nothing but drown in his own sorrows and drink so he could stop thinking. He'd even puked in his own toilet all night. 

It was hardly magical.

"It was okay. Yours? How was your family?"

"Ricky proposed to Monica. My mom was a blubbering mess. My dad was happy, as per usual."

"I'm happy for them."

"I'm not."

The agent stilled at your confession. "What?"

You let out a sharp laugh, eyes watery as you turned back toward him. "I hated every second of it. It was the worst Christmas of my life, when it was supposed to be the best one. My sister is happy. My entire family was so fucking happy and I was miserable. I used to know how to deal with my family. Now? Now, I don't. They're like strangers."

He grabbed your hand again, only to grimace when you pulled away. "I'm sorry."

"Stop. Don't apologize, Javi. I should apologize. I told you I was done. I thought I meant it. Then, I saw my sister smiling and overjoyed and I broke down. I fucking broke down and ruined Christmas because I didn't want to deal with it. It made me sick. I was a fucking asshole because I secretly didn't want to spend Christmas with my family. I wanted to spend it with you. You ruined my Christmas last year, Javi, but it was still the best one I've ever had. Then, I ruined theirs this year. What the fuck is wrong with me?"

" _Me_. I'm what's wrong with you, hermosa. I should've never started this-"

Your voice was quiet as you ran a finger across the gold chain on your wrist. "Do you regret it?"

There was no anger in your eyes as he responded. "No. Only that I hurt you."

"Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I regretted it. If I hated you. I don't, though. I still love you. When I woke up in here, Eddy was already here and I didn't want him to be. I wanted it to be you. I almost died and you were still all I thought about. I said we were done but I don't know how to be."

He didn't know what to say. The truth was that he didn't know how to be done, either. He didn't want to be. He wanted to spend the rest of his life, however short it might be, with you. He wanted to spend every Christmas with you. He wanted to wake up beside you every morning. He wanted to sip delicious coffee and learn how to make breakfast with you. He wanted to steal kisses at work. He wanted to be the only man in the world that got to see the expensive lingerie you wore beneath professional clothes. He wanted to buy you more flowers. 

He wanted to make mistakes and apologize for them, before telling you how much he loved you.

He hadn't cared about his life much lately, but he wanted one with you. 

Even Pablo fucking Escobar had a wife and a happy family, so why couldn't he?

"I love you."

The words were a whisper from his lips but you heard them all the same. Your heart froze as you stared at him. He wasn't looking at you. He was chewing the corner of his mustache, lost in thought as he sat next to you. You weren't sure he was aware enough to know what he'd said. 

Still, the words engraved themselves in your chest.

_I love you._

Tears spilled from the corners of your tired eyes and your entire body trembled. "Javi-"

He gulped, shifting his tortured gaze back to you. "I couldn't say it before. Don't know why. I tried before Christmas."

"Say it again."

"No."

The smile fell from your face, tears still falling. "W-What?"

"You know I can't. All those things you want, hermosa. I still can't give them to you. I'm too deep in this. I don't deserve you. You almost fucking died because of my job. Because of what I've done. I won't hurt you again."

He'd never wanted love. Now that he felt it, he knew why. He'd spent countless nights with different women, never growing too attached, out of fear. That fear consumed him. Always had.

It wasn't fear of commitment, but rather the fear of letting someone else into his messy world. 

He'd already let you in too far. He'd claimed to be trying to push you away, but he never really had. He always came back. He'd never truly given up on you because he'd already let you in. 

Now, he needed to push you back out.

The bombing was proof of his fears. He didn't deserve you. He'd known all along that he'd been emotionally hurting you with the back and forth. It had never put your life in danger, though. You, sitting in this hospital bed and wrapped in bandages? That was more than enough to get him to let go. 

It was, unfortunately for your hopeful heart, the push he'd been needing all along.

"Javi?"

The tears were rolling down your cheeks and he bit back the urge to wipe them away. Instead, he pushed himself out of the visitor's chair and made his way silently to the door.

"Don't do this. Please. This isn't your fault, Javi."

Your words were hardly registered as he twisted the handle. His entire body was numb, uncharacteristically cold as he pulled the door open. 

"Javier. Stop. If you go-"

He shut the door behind him with a loud click. It was the only noise that he could hear. The beeping of the hospital was silent. Your voice through the door was non-existent. Even Sandoval calling him a 'cabrón' fell on deaf ears as he left. 

He walked out of the hospital and out of your life for, what he knew for certain, was the last time.

He needed you to let him go. What else? He needed to talk to Don Berna. 

Hurting innocent people, especially when you had gotten caught in the crossfire, was where he drew the line. He was done helping Los Pepes. He'd wanted to be better for you. Now that he wasn't with you, he still wanted to be better.

You'd ignited a hope within him that he'd thought previously to be long gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to think I don't know how to write for these two unless it hurts really bad...there's something wrong with me, guys. I'm sorry for getting your hopes up with another confession but like do you honestly expect him to do it any other way? I don't. 
> 
> We're coming down to the final couple of chapters. Don't worry though...I've got a couple follow up one shot kinda situations for these two that'll take place after. I just wrote one of them and ooh baby it was fun. 
> 
> This, on the other hand? Not so fun. This chapter was HEAVY. 
> 
> Please don't kill me. I'll see you guys when I see you. Maybe next Tuesday....maybe Thursday. Idk. There's not many chapters so I should make you guys wait the week but I always cave. Smooches~


	17. Disappointed.

The second you walked into the office, Gaviria knew. It was written all over your face. He didn't even need to look down at your hands to know what you were holding. It was your first day back since the explosion, and you'd been busy since Javi left you at the hospital. Eddy had helped you take care of the bandages and you'd also put in a few applications while you'd been out.

He nodded at you. "You're going to use it?"

You took a deep breath and forced a smile. "Yeah. I'm sorry. I know it's a pivotal time and I want to help you, really I do, it's just-"

The President held a hand up, effectively silencing you, and you stopped. "It's okay. You don't need to apologize. I understand. I asked you to do something that I should have never asked you to do. I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I asked you to find a way to convince Colonel Martinez to join Search Bloc. I knew what I was asking. I didn't think twice. I should have never put that kind of pressure on you."

Your eyes widened and you shook your head. "It's not your fault. That wasn't it. Really. It's everything. All of this. I thought I could handle it. I thought I was strong like Eddy, but I'm not."

"You're stronger."

You shook your head in defiance. "No, I'm not. I'm weak-"

"Walking away doesn't make you weak, Y/N. It makes you strong. Strong enough to realize what's important. Many people have lost themselves to this. I'm sure you've seen it."

_Javi_. His name was the first that came to mind, but the more you thought about it, there were more people than just him.

_Steve. Eddy. Trujillo. Carrillo. Even Gaviria, himself._

The war with Escobar had taken bits and pieces of all of them. They weren't who they used to be. Two of them were gone. Now, it was your turn. 

At least you were walking away, instead of being forced. That had to count for something, right?

You leveled your gaze with his, finding only sincerity in his eyes. "I put in for the Embassy. Back in the States. A couple other places, too, but that would be my first choice."

He raised a brow in surprise. "You want to leave Colombia?"

You thought carefully about your words, not wanting to offend the man. "Colombia has taken a lot from me recently. It's given me a lot, too, but it's taken too much. I love this country but I don't think it's home anymore."

Gaviria gave you a slow nod. "I understand. I think you'd do well at the Embassy. You've met quite a few people from the US Embassy already, so it's a field you're somewhat used to dealing with. I can make some calls, if you'd like."

"No, thank you. I appreciate it and I'll use that letter, but I'd like any opportunities I receive to be based on my own work. If that makes sense."

"Stubborn as always. No wonder you and Eduardo are so close."

You let out an embarrassed laugh and shook your head. "I don't think you know anyone that isn't stubborn."

"I think you might be right."

The suited man walked towards his window, arms folded behind his back as he stared down at the street. You didn't move. Instead, you studied him warily. He was tense, a discomfort present in his shoulders as he squared them. The sight made you sigh.

"Sir? Can I ask you a question?"

His head turned slightly and he nodded. "Of course."

You swallowed and debated your words carefully, settling on somewhere between friendly and worried. "I gave you those flight invoices for Pablo Escobar's family. What do you intend to do with them?"

His body stiffened even more and you shook your head behind him. The Ambassador and Messina had been in only an hour or two earlier, only further solidifying your assumption. They were planning to use his family as leverage. You'd done some terrible things to help the cause, sure, but this was something you just couldn't get behind.

Hell, even Javi might not have supported this idea.

Gaviria turned fully toward you, face creased with remorse. "Something tells me you already know the answer to that question."

Disappointment etched itself in your features. "Forgive me for saying this, sir, but you shouldn't do this. I know that Pablo Escobar is a public enemy and a disgusting human being, but this is too far."

He gave you a soft smile and nodded. "You saying that is _exactly_ why I think you're strong. Stronger than the rest of us."

He didn't apologize. He didn't deny it. He simply told you that you were right without actually saying it. 

You glanced down, biting your lip as you looked at your palms. They were still slightly scarred from the explosion, a permanent reminder of everything that had happened. You hadn't worn a pencil skirt since, either. The bandage still on your leg was like another reminder of the pain you felt.

Physical and emotional.

"How are you feeling?"

You glanced back up and forced a smile. "Okay, I guess. A little more antsy now that I've been stuck at home for days."

"Eduardo took care of you, right?"

You laughed, smiling brightly and nodding. "Another stubborn person. He wouldn't leave. He's like a doting mother hen. I'm an injured bird."

"Mala."

You glanced up at the clock on the wall, seeing that it was nearing time to go home. "I should probably finish the rest of the paperwork on my desk. Then, I have to go grab food for dinner since I know my mom probably hasn't let Eddy leave my house."

Your boss smiled knowingly at you. "He cares about you. He always has."

"I know. I appreciate him. I just need him to stop asking if I need help going to the bathroom. I feel like an old woman."

You turned to walk out, revelling in the man's laughter at your joke. You looked around, taking in the architecture of the building as you made your way to your desk. You were going to miss the building and some of the people in it. You were definitely going to miss Gaviria. 

He wasn't quite the same man that you'd initially been hired to work for, though.

Then again, you weren't the same, either.

* * *

"So, the Embassy? That's a big move."

You hummed in agreement, peering up at the greenery around you. "Yeah. I haven't made a firm decision. They haven't called me back, yet. I just think maybe Colombia isn't the place for me right now."

You didn't want to look at him. You knew he'd be sporting a large frown, blue eyes squinting with worry. He was probably going to try to convince you to stay in Colombia. He was usually good at making you rethink poor decisions. This time, though? You _wanted_ to be impulsive. You wanted to chase a random thought and run with it. You didn't want to think. You didn't want to be level headed.

You wanted to be happy.

"You don't like Colombia anymore?"

You knew what Eddy was implying and you shook your head. "We're done. Me and Javi. I'm sure you figured that out at the hospital. That's not why I want to leave, though."

"I know. Cesar called me. He told me that he asked you to do something that he shouldn't have."

"It's fine. Eddy. Really. I can deal with doing it that one time. I just can't handle doing something like that again. I hate how it feels."

Your former boss tilted your chin up with his index finger, giving you a soft smile. "That's because you're a good person."

"I don't feel like one."

He pressed his lips to your forehead and then rested his chin on your head. "You are. Better than the rest of us. Trust me."

You'd been about to open your mouth when you heard a click. The noise made the both of you turn in surprise, only to groan in unison when you saw your mom standing not too far away. She was beaming at you and Eddy, waving a camera in her hands. You severely regretted letting her come back down and stay at your house.

"You looked too cute like that! I couldn't resist."

You pulled away from your friend's grasp and rubbed at your temples. "Mom. We're not twelve."

"You were having a moment. How could I not catch it on film?"

"Keyword being _were_. We _were_ having a moment. You ruined it."

Eddy chuckled beside you, wrapping a long arm around your shoulder and pulling you into his side. "She's just upset that she's not wearing any makeup."

You narrowed your eyes, pinching him hard. "Cabrón! Are you trying to say I don't look good without makeup?"

He stopped laughing, giving you an intense look as he shook his head. "You always look beautiful."

You felt your face heat up and you shook your head, turning away to walk toward your smirking mother. She always got like this when you brought Eddy around. You used to hate it. It was like she did everything in her power to push the two of you together. Now? Now, you were fully single. 

You also didn't work together anymore. That had always been your excuse whenever she'd ask about you dating him.

_Mom, he's my boss. It's unprofessional. I can't._

You strolled up beside the older woman and she wrapped her arms around your shoulder. "How are you feeling? Is your leg bothering you at all?"

The worry lines were evident on her pretty face and you shook your head. "No. It's basically healed now. I'll have a scar, but it's okay. Now I'll look like a badass."

She scoffed, shaking her head in annoyance. "You sound like your sister."

"How's wedding planning going?"

She quirked a brow. "You sure you want to talk about her wedding?"

Avoiding her gaze, you stared down at the ground in discomfort. The last time you'd talked about marriage, you'd said something cynical in your rage. You still felt bad. You'd already apologized to Monica, and she'd accepted it in exchange for you to be her maid of honor, a request you'd already been prepared to say yes to. She wasn't angry at you in the slightest.

Your mother, on the other hand, was a different story. She was still upset. You could see it in the depths of hazel eyes. She'd always been a little disappointed in your life choices, and this one was no different. She hated how outspoken you'd been about your relationship status. She also just seemed to hate how single you really were.

You could never win with her.

Sighing heavily, you glanced back up to meet her gaze. "I'm sorry. I know Christmas didn't go how you wanted-"

"You ruined it. It was supposed to be a magical moment for Monica and the entire family, but you ruined it."

_Ouch_.

You glanced back at Eddy as he walked up, giving him a look to leave, and he nodded. "I'm going to go start dinner. I'll leave you two alone."

He gave your mother a kiss on the cheek, softening her cold demeanor slightly, and he left the two of you. You didn't know what to say. You knew what she wanted to hear, but you couldn't lie to her.

She wanted you to be with a man like Eduardo but your heart still craved Javi.

"He's a good man. He won't leave you crying on a doorstep because of his job."

You groaned, running a hand down your face and pulling away from her fully. "Can we not do this again? I get it. You don't like Javi. He's not in my life anymore-"

"Exactly. You have space for Eduardo."

"Stop it. He has Paola and-"

She interrupted you again, all but snarling at the mention of his girlfriend, whom he'd recently reconciled with. "He knows you better. You two would be perfect together."

"He's my best friend. Nothing more."

"You know you're not getting any younger, right? When I was your age, I already had two children."

There it was. The children card. Again. She'd brought it up on Christmas and it had been what had ignited your need to drink. It had been the catalyst to the emotional breakdown you'd had that day. She always bugged you about it at the worst times. Sometimes, when you thought about certain moments in your life, you could hear her voice in the back of your mind. 

Going through a breakup? 

_When are you having kids?_

Your sister getting engaged?

_When are you going to finally settle down like Monica?_

Talking about wedding planning?

_I really thought we'd have planned your wedding by now._

Just genuinely not in a good head space?

_You know you're not getting any younger._

You grit your teeth and laughed emotionlessly. "Stop. Stop reminding me. I know I'm a disappointment. You don't have to remind me every time my life doesn't go the way you wanted it to go."

Her eyes widened. "That's not-"

"It's _exactly_ what you mean. I get it. Monica is the golden child that stayed with you in California. I'm the stupid one that moved thousands of miles away and started a life in a country that I now want to leave. I get it. It's my life. Not yours. You had two kids at my age? Great! Maybe the man I'm in love with doesn't want kids. Maybe he doesn't want me."

Tears streamed down your cheeks and you brushed past her, yanking your arm free when she tried to grab it. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I just worry about you."

"Don't. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'm waiting to hear about a new job and I'll be moving out of this shit hole soon enough. Let it go for now."

"Okay."

You turned back to see her giving you an apologetic look. She pulled your arm gently and wrapped her arms around you, keeping you in a tight hug. You sobbed into her shoulder, tears staining her top as she rubbed your back soothingly.

"I'm sorry I fucked up."

"Shh. It's okay. I'm not disappointed in you. Nobody is. We just worry about you. No mother wants to see her daughter's heart break. I just never thought you'd be so cynical about love, mija. I wanted you to not be like me. After your father, I never tried again. Just because you didn't find it with him, doesn't mean you never will."

_Yes, it does._

You bit back the response, sniffling silently instead. "I'm glad Eddy's making ajiaco. Think he has good wine?"

You felt her chest heave with laughter. "Of course he does. He always has good wine."

"Good thing I'm not wearing makeup. I would've gotten it all over your shirt."

"It's okay. I stole this shirt from Carmela."

You laughed loudly at the admission and shook your head. Of course she would steal an expensive shirt from your stepmom. She always did hate her. 

"You're terrible."

"She's terrible. Good fashion sense, though. Besides, your father got out of raising you two most of the time. He can spare a shirt and the cost of your sister's wedding."

Her eyes twinkled with mischief and you shook your head again. "Mala."

The two of you walked up toward Eddy's house, where you were having dinner tonight, and you made your way up the steps. His house was slightly on the outskirts of town, surrounded by lush jungle. It was beautiful. You'd always been jealous of his home. Once upon a time, you'd thought maybe it would be your home one day.

Now, you couldn't see it. 

Your phone rang and you glanced down curiously. You didn't have the slightest idea who could be calling. Selfishly, part of you wanted it to be Javi. You knew it wouldn't be, though.

"Hello?"

A slight accent came through from the other end. "Is this Y/N? This is Christopher Chavez, with the Colombian Embassy."

Your eyes widened in shock and you immediately pointed to the phone in your hand, mouthing some words to your confused mother. She knew exactly what you were saying and lit up. She squealed loudly, ignoring your look, and clapped her hands together. Then, you gestured to the phone again, a sign that she should go while you took the call, and she nodded frantically. 

She left you alone to take the most important phone call of your life.

* * *

He'd been trying so damn hard to make the right decisions. He'd told Don Berna that he wouldn't help, though he hadn't exactly pressed that issue. Still, he'd found out about Fernando Duque and hadn't told the narco where he was, opting to tell Messina about it instead. Things had been looking up.

At least, that's what he thought until he walked into the bar and spotted a familiar CIA agent. "Agent Peña. I don't think Don Berna's gonna make it."

Javi reluctantly sat down, alarms sounding in his head. "What is this?"

"A friendly chat. You're making some very scary people nervous, Javier." The younger man leaned back in his seat, jaw ticking as Stechner continued. "Which puts me in a spot because I'm the one that suggested they approach you in the first place."

He glanced over at the CIA agent in mild surprise. He didn't get a chance to speak, though. The other man was far too interested in giving his own monologue.

"Now, I don't know what you know about what it is I do, but understand this. I have our nation's long term interests in mind. That's the beat I walk. And, sitting here tonight, that means making sure the right folks are left standing when Escobar gets his bullet. So, do Uncle Sam a solid. Don't complicate that."

The balding man took a sip of his beer and Javi immediately felt nauseous. He'd asked you before, how you'd known about him working with Los Pepes. You never responded to the question. Now that he sat here, across from Stechner, he had his answer. 

He was trying so damn hard to stay away from anything and everything that reminded him of you and, yet, here you were again within his work.

Javi's jaw was tense as he spoke. "When did you fucking talk to her?"

"You're quick. I figured she'd go to you right after."

His nostrils flared at Stechner's nonchalant attitude. "You show up at her house?"

"Jesus, no. What do you take me for, Peña? A stalker? I sent her flowers with an address and a time. She probably thought they were from you."

He brushed off the agitation for a second. "I bet she was severely disappointed."

"Called it a _colossal waste of her time_ , I believe. I think I got the point across, though. She's feisty. I can see why you like her so much."

The comment stung, rubbing salt in a wound that was still fresh. The mustached agent tried to push his feelings aside, a feeble attempt to not show Stechner anything, but he knew it probably didn't work. He was CIA, after all. He knew everything. 

Stechner clearly didn't care about Javi's agitation, only feeding off of it. "These folks are prone to emotional decision making, which can lead to bush league nonsense like killing a federal agent. Or, maybe even his girlfriend, an employee of the Colombian government."

That one made him snap. He'd pushed you away in favor of keeping you safe from his world. It clearly wasn't working. 

So, he made an irrational decision, backed up by layers of emotions imploding within his scattered mind. He took another swig of beer and slammed it down in front of the older man. Then, he narrowed his eyes.

"Go near her again and I'll fucking destroy you. If you, or anyone, touch a fucking hair on her head, I'll fucking find you. I don't give a shit what it takes."

Stechner laughed, amusement glimmering in his eyes. "How is she doing? Has she recovered from her injuries?"

He couldn't answer that one because he genuinely didn't know. What was worse? Hearing the question now, he hated that he didn't know how you were doing. Sandoval probably knew how you were doing. 

The thought made his chest tight with jealousy and he took another sip of beer. "I haven't talked to her. You know, telling her about me and Los Pepes probably didn't do anything."

"It did enough. She riled you up, didn't she? I know I pissed her off."

"You piss _everyone_ off."

Stechner laughed again. "Love is a dangerous emotion in this line of work, Javier. You can always count on it to do one thing. Destroy people. Take the lawyer, for example. They found him, even without your help, so."

The older man shrugged, trailing off and leaning back comfortably in his seat. He looked completely unfazed by it. Lacking remorse in all aspects. Was that what Javi had to look forward to in the future? 

Solitude and a lack of empathy?

Was that what he was going to become?

Without you, who was going to keep him from losing himself completely?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof lots of things going on T_T they've gone their separate ways but they're still so damn entangled...I wanna hold them and tell them to love each other. I guess technically I could make that happen buuuuut the sweet torture is so much better. Right? XD
> 
> Anyways, this story is almost over and then there will be a couple one shots that follow. For those of you asking for a happy ending...uh, all I have to say is stay tuned? 
> 
> Since the story is so close to finishing, I guess it's kinda up to you guys whether or not I post on Thursday! There's only two chapters after this so, if I do post on Thursday, that means the last chapter will be posted in a week. Ahhhhhhhhh. Decisions.
> 
> I'll see you guys soon! Smooches~


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